Forrest City Plans Purchase of Another Former “Landing Strip”

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GOP contender Newt Gingrich has big plans for his future potential presidency. He would like to colonize the moon by 2020. This plan may seem unrealistic to some, mostly because we last landed there in 1972 and currently don’t have a space program. However, there are those that believe it is possible, and want to make sure they are cashing in on the opportunity. “We believe this is absolutely going to happen,” says Forrest City President Phil Dargossi. “We need to stay ahead of the game, which is why we are in the process of purchasing a large chunk of the most livable moon property.” President Dargossi compares this purchase with one of the most successful development projects in the U.S. “When we purchased the property of the old Stapleton airport, most thought it could not be successful,” says Dargossi. “It was overridden in concrete, toxic waste, garbage, and worst of all, it was next to Aurora. We have made this project work through making a lot of promises to residents, some of which we keep.” Dargossi plans to contact some of the defunct Stapleton home builders to see if they are interested in getting some functional moon homes designed. “They were kind of our bread and butter at starting the Stapleton project, and they can give us a jump start on the moon project. Dargossi understands that the undertaking has several challenges. “When we first started the Stapleton project, we sold a certain vision. Now, we haven’t always followed through on that vision, which has caused some angst in the community. So, what we are researching right now is how high are expectations of people willing to live on the moon? Do they need a school and a pool in every filing? How quickly do we need to have a Whole Foods in their town center?” Forrest City plans to complete the purchase after choosing their site using old Hubble photographs. Design on community layout will begin immediately. Dargossi expects the community makeup to consist mostly of “people willing to live on the moon.”]]>

Gang Violence Escalates Among Rival Stapleton Children

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In what should otherwise be an age of innocence and fun, some Stapleton children are being pressured to join rival neighborhood gangs or face the social consequences of playing alone, or worse, with only their toddler-aged siblings.  Details of the lifestyles of members of two rival Stapleton gangs have been divulged in this shocking exclusive Stapletonion exposé, by actual gang members who wish to remain anonymous.  The following stories came from members of the North Central Park gang, also known as “the NCP,” and the Southside Stryders, comprised of children residing in homes south of Central Park.     The NCP members identify themselves by their red Stryder bikes, whereas the Southsiders ride blue ones, although some have colors randomly selected by their parents.  Each gang is vying for Central Park turf, the neutral area between the neighborhoods.  After a brief period of peace between the two gangs, violence has risen after an NCP member’s baby sister got hit by a Nerf ball that was meant for her older brother.  [Read more…] about Gang Violence Escalates Among Rival Stapleton Children

Gay-Orientated Neighborhood to be Marketed in Stapleton

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With home building scheduled to start this year on the last large undeveloped area in south Stapleton, Forest City is considering creating a neighborhood marketed specifically to gay and lesbian buyers. The Filing 16 neighborhood would be called “Gaypleton” drawing on a longstanding nickname used by homosexuals who reside in Stapleton, said Charlie DeAngelo of the Forest City marketing department. “We’ve been aware of the Gaypleton nickname for several years,” said DeAngelo. “Quite frankly, we didn’t know what to make of it at first, but clearly GLTB (gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual) home buyers have been an important market segment to us in Stapleton.” DeAngelo explained that, until now, Forest City never formally tried to market to gays and lesbians. “We realize, of course, that many of our builders decorate their model homes with very gay-friendly themes, and it goes without saying the HGTV dream home sweepstakes really put Stapleton on the map with gay and lesbian buyers across the county,” said DeAngelo. “But Gaypleton is proactive. We just think it’s time for Forest City to come out, so to speak, and show we’re not taking the gay and lesbian market for granted.” [Read more…] about Gay-Orientated Neighborhood to be Marketed in Stapleton

Resident Makes Complete Stop at Stop Sign

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On January 27th, Stapleton experienced a first: someone made a complete stop at a neighborhood stop sign. At approximately 11:32AM, a driver was driving south on Fulton St. towards 26th. The intersection is similar to several 4-way stops in Stapleton. As the driver approached the sign, he slowed his vehicle as everyone else does. However, he then did something completely unexpected. “I was waiting for him just to keep on going,” says eyewitness Kristina McKissen. “However, he came to a complete stop, looked right at me, and waited for me to go as I was rolling through my stop sign. It kind of freaked me out and I had to pull over for a minute.” [Read more…] about Resident Makes Complete Stop at Stop Sign

Block of Identical Neighbors Realize they Have nothing in Common

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EaWe, neighbors who are extremely homogeneous in age, income, race, and number of kids finally agreed they would never be friends because of their differences. “We have been at several block gatherings,” says Jeff Jones one of the block members. “But we always struggled with things to talk about unless it was our kids. At some point we decided that we would get along, but stop trying to be friends.” The group has tried drinking together, watching games together, playing board games together, but have realized, incredibly, they have no real common ground. “Believe me, I wish the best for these people,” says one of the other neighbors Zach Geary. “I just can’t stand being around them. When I first met everyone, I thought this would be the coolest block ever. Turns out, it is not the case.” Another Stapleton oriented web site — the new stapletonneighbors.com — hopes to help with this issue. For a monthly fee, you can find people in Stapleton that are good matches for you, much like a dating site. You can then correspond with them, and if things go well, you can look into whether or not there is a house on the market that you could purchase, or potentially work out a house swap. ]]>

McDonalds Purchases Stapleton Control Tower

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The speculation of what was going to happen to the Stapleton control tower is finally over. The Stapleton landmark has been involved in several rumors from turning into general use office space, to a high end restaurant. Four days ago McDonalds Corporation made the purchase from Forrest City for an undisclosed sum, and two days ago, one of the most recognizable logos in the world was placed upon the top of the tower. “We are excited to have such a powerful brand grace our community,” said Forrest City President Phil Dargossi. “We were having some challenges in finding interested buyers, and luckily, McDonalds kind of came in and swooped us off our feet.” According to Forrest City, there were other interested investors; however, none wanted to commit to the enormous financial responsibility that would have been involved in the renovation. “We know this is going to be an extremely unique project for us,” said McDonalds Executive Vice President of Development Grant Beerbower. “Honestly, the main part of the project for us is getting the positive PR and then the incredible advertising that it brings us being on the tower.” Beerbower is not sure what the layout will look like, but wants to do something to allow patrons to take a view from the top. Many residents are disappointed in the decision to allow McDonalds to purchase the landmark. “We took this classic piece of Stapleton, and now have this corporate monstrosity here,” says resident Stacy Wolf. “I would have rather had them tear it down.” Residents are already planning a boycott and march against the chain restaurant. “I strongly recommend that no one eat at McDonalds again,” said Wolf. As of now, McDonalds still does not have any blueprints of what they will do, but they plan to begin renovation in late March. ]]>