Issue 41

The exclusive Stapleton Nantucket Close neighborhood has long been known for its extremely conservative political viewpoints. The private courtyard residence held several high dollar fundraisers for 2008 Republican candidate John McCain, and they have supported several Americans for Tax Reform candidates for state and federal government offices in the last six years. The elite community has now secured a $50,000 per plate dinner fundraiser for Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney. “We could not be more excited,” said Nantucket Close President John Retzlaff. “He is an amazing person, with incredible vision, and we hope to do everything to make him the next President of our country.” All of the adult members of “The Close” have already purchased their plates as well as donated an extra $100,000 to the campaign. Speaking under the condition of anonymity, one of “The Close” residents was unable to hide their excitement. “One of the things we have been told is that Romney will push through a ‘The Close’ tax credit or exemption which will give us job creators a little more ability to create more jobs.” Some of those jobs will be on display on October 25th when the Huff family will add an extra daily cleaning to their posh Nantucket Close mansion. They will also add 30 servers to their current serving staff of five, to keep the presidential nominee and the guests happy. “We want this dinner to be memorable for our future president,” said mansion owner Jake Huff. “Hopefully, this fundraiser gets him the money he needs.” Aside from Nantucket Close residents, tickets are being sold statewide, mostly in Colorado Springs and Denver suburbs. There are still seats available, and for more information and to purchase tickets, go to: www.theclose4romney2012.com. ]]>

There has long been the presumption that the educated elite in this country typically vote democrat. Some statistics do back this up, showing that over 60% of those with graduate degrees tend to vote Democrat. But does knowing this information make it right for ‘get out the vote’ volunteers, who may prefer a candidate, to use that information for their party’s benefit? Many residents argue that it is not. [Read more…] about “Get out the Vote” Volunteers at Stapleton Soopers Suspected of Profiling “Highly Educated, Private Schooled-Looking” People as Democrats

All over the Stapleton Moms Yahoo! group, there has been talk of ditching the old standby chocolate treats on Halloween in favor of some new candy that is non-fat and sugar free, and undoubtedly, tasteless. It is unclear whether or not this movement is in an effort to keep our kids here in Stapleton healthy, or if it is simply being used to stave off visitors from other communities. More than likely, it is the latter. [Read more…] about Non-Fat, Sugar Free Candy Threat Used to Deter Outside Trick-or-Treaters

What was intended to be an easy sparring debate for the President, went terribly wrong when he was trounced for the second straight time by 17 year old DSST debate champ Greg Halsor. The President’s staff was looking for an easy but able opponent that would give the President a victory and some of his confidence back. “Things did not go exactly as planned,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “The President was looking for some good experience, but more than anything, looking for a win. That didn’t happen today.” [Read more…] about DSST Debate Champ Crushes President in Mock Debate

The trendy paleo diet has been around for a while now, and the individuals that are on it have seen great results. The diet can seem complex, but the crux of it is that you eat like a caveman (or woman). This means that you can eat any wild berries (not poisonous) or fruits, wild grasses, etc., but nothing that had to be cultivated, since farming and cultivation were not around yet. Also, paleo diets do not have any carbs, as breads and pastas were not around yet either. Water is the only drink allowed, as no other drink had been used during the paleolithic time period. Meats, of course, are the preferred choice for those on a paleo diet. The main animals during this time period include the cave lion (combination of a lion and tiger), the woolly rhinocerous, and of course the giant deer megalocerus. The trouble with the paleo diet is that woolly rhinos are really hard to find. “We would love to have a woolly rhino on the menu,” says Berkshire owner James Barry. “But they are extremely hard to find, and very expensive. Plus, we don’t think we would sell enough of them to make it worth our while.” Barry says that they have lost business because of the paleo diet. “It’s not just the customers that have become paleo, it is because of their friends. They can’t meet at a place that doesn’t have a strict paleo menu, so we lose more than just the paleo customer. We lose their friends.” [Read more…] about Paleo Diets Affecting Local Businesses

Stapleton resident Chad May has a squeaky clean driving record and prides himself on his cautious driving. That’s why he was so ashamed and regretful about almost running into a child crossing the street on Xanthia St. yesterday. The boy’s parents, Randy and Joanne, were horrified by the near miss and emphatic about what they perceive as a dangerous street. “This is exactly why we’ve posted these signs instructing drivers to slow down and drive like their kids live here,” said Randy. [Read more…] about Driver Busy Reading “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” Sign Almost Strikes Child

With all the buzz surrounding the new iPhones, it is hard to find a negative review, unless it is from die hard Apple haters. The iPhone 5 added more bells and whistles and continues to be the clear leader in smart phone technology. Stapleton residents are often early adopters, and many residents raced out to get their new toy. New users were pleased with their new phone up until they attempted to use the maps function. [Read more…] about Stapleton Residents Ditch iPhones After Seeing Maps Label Stapleton as “Aurora”

Send in Halloween pictures of your child, you, or your family to The Stapletonion, and if we publish your submissions in our November 14th issue, you will receive a free Stapletonion tee shirt(s). The photos must be of you or your family, can be anywhere, but we will not accept any photos of pets being dressed up. The Stapletonion does not take a stance on gun ownership or the death penalty, but on something as important as dressing up pets, we have to say NO. Please send photos to: Stapletonion@gmail.com, with the subject line “Halloween.” Thank you in advance for your submissions, and Happy Halloween.]]>