Issue 6

A comprehensive study recently conducted by the University of Colorado concluded what many Stapleton residents have known for years:  residents in the Nantucket Close are significantly better than everyone else.  The study looked at several factors including appearance, income, intelligence, athleticism, musical ability, artistic ability, and even charisma.  “We scored each one of these categoriess, and then had a comprehensive score, which we call a person’s Clooney Score,” said Dr. Chris Frazier of the University.  “The highest score one can get is 1000.  The average Nantucket Close resident scores an 894, the average Stapleton resident scores a 637, and an average American would score 482.  In Nebraska, the average person is a 268.” [Read more…] about Report: Nantucket Close Residents ARE Better Than You

Residents are eagerly awaiting the opening of the new Stapleton Library, but unfortunately, the grand opening has bad timing, according to most analysts.  “Sadly, libraries are quickly going the direction of the newspaper,” said Wall Street Journal .com analyst Jake Wharton.  “With Wikipedia, who needs microfiche; with the Kindle, who needs physical books; with the iPad, who needs anything else,” questioned Wharton. [Read more…] about Stapleton Library Slated to Open Exactly One Day After Libraries Become Irrelevant

Chad Muchmore is a stay at home dad, who was looking for a way to get in shape.  Problem is, he is in charge of looking after his 8 month old child.  After researching several options, he decided to go with one of the local stroller classes.  “It looked like the best thing for me,” said Muchmore.  “I liked the format, and I would still be able to look after my baby.”  At the time, Chad did not realize that the Stroller Class he joined was comprised completely of women. [Read more…] about Trailblazing Dad Gains Acceptance at Stroller Class

Stapleton residents may not have to wait long to see Paul Walker or Vin Diesel driving through their neighborhood. Word has leaked from Hollywood that Fast and Furious 6 will be filmed on location in this quiet Denver community. Casting Director Viveck Alaganti stated: “We were looking for sites to shoot the new movie and we came across this special two mile section of Martin Luther King Boulevard between Quebec and Havana streets.” Alaganti further explained “sure, we drive fast in our movies, but these are trained drivers in high end sports cars. Even then, we only hits speeds around 100 miles per hour.  What we saw on MLK through Stapleton easily hit those speeds and it was being done by soccer moms in minivans and Volvos!” The two mile stretch is perfectly straight, has no elevation gain, and only three stop lights that appear to be optional to most residents. “It makes for the perfect drag strip” said Alaganti.  He even added that they have approached several residents of Stapleton about being stunt drivers in the film. “Quite frankly, our guys are just too scared to drive that fast!.” No word on the title of the new movie, but some are calling it Fast and Furious 6:  Less Sub, More Burn. Hollywood insiders are being pretty mum on the plot of the new film, but early leaks indicate that the cast has finally left the life of crime behind to move into a nice suburban community.  Paul Walker’s character will have 4 kids (with more on the way), two dogs, a cruiser bike, and will now ride in a minivan complete with nitrous boost and a DVD player for the kids. Fast and Furious 6 will be in theaters in 2013.]]>

A local Stapleton mom was caught by surprise last Saturday, to see her daughter return home from an American Girl Doll-themed birthday party with the Chinese-American based character “Ivy.”  “I mean, we already have Ivy.” Said the mom. “Why not Addie? Or Julie?” Upon learning her daughter had been given the doll as a party favor, she said she immediately felt judged. “What kind of message does this send?  They don’t think we’re PC enough? Ivy was the first doll we bought our daughter, since she looks Asian, and I didn’t want to be racist.”  One of the better qualities Stapleton prides itself on, is the pervasive talk about the value of diversity.  “Sending 8 little girls home with the same doll, doesn’t exactly support that message.” Said the 36 year-old-mother of 2, gesturing around her yard with a glass of wine. “Look around, as a community we believe in diversity and you can see it in our homes. The  HOA lets us paint our houses a variety of colors.  We have blue, houses, red houses, yellow houses; even the occasional stucco. If I wanted homogeneity, I would have moved to the suburbs.”  Yet what was most upsetting about the incident, was that she had considered the party hostess to be a close friend.  “I don’t know, am I reading too much into this? I’d expect this from a classroom mom, but not a good friend.  I mean, we have drinks together at La Sandia!  She obviously looks down on me.”  Ivy’s new owner is weighing her options of donating the extra doll, or letting her daughter keep it, as a reminder of just how common moms-judging-other-moms, can be.]]>

My child has pooped or vomited in the pool. The lifeguard saw it, ordered everyone out of the pool, and I was publicly humiliated. I have various negative physical reactions every time I take my kids to the pool.

My child vomited or pooped in the pool. Other people saw it but I just scooped it out, was embarrassed, then went about my business as they were disgusted and told their friends. I still feel like those people are watching me and talking about the repulsive incident every time we go to the pool.

My child vomited or pooped in the pool. No one saw it so I scooped it out but felt really, really guilty about it and still do.

So if you are a Stapleton mom, fall into one of these categories, and would like to take part in a study that could possibly cure you of your disorder and pay you for your time, please contact Dr. Greg Asbee at poolanxietystudy@gmail.com.  Dads are ineligible for the study as Dr. Asbee mentions that dads really just don’t care when things like this occur.]]>