Staff Writer

In a study conducted by Johns Hopkins University, Stapleton kids have proven again they are ahead of the curve. Johns Hopkins took a sample of over ten million teenagers who play the popular waste of time, Fortnite, and tracked their improvement over an eight-month time period. “What we found is that most kids did got better after playing an average of four hours per day, which was expected,” said Dr. Bryan Farrell, lead researcher on the study. “Then, we spliced that down by age, number of hours played, and even ZIP codes. We weren’t sure what we were trying to learn necessarily, but kids waste so much time playing it, we figured we had to do some sort of study on it.”

[Read more…] about Stapleton Teens Improving at Fortnite Faster than National Average

After recently seeing a friend’s house, Sara Helman decided she wants to completely replace many of the furnishings in her home. “The look of our living room, which includes the couch, love seat, and ottoman, just needs to be updated,” said Helman. “I love what Lisa did with their place and I think we could do something similar, but with the feel of our family, if you know what I mean.” We don’t, and apparently, Sara’s husband Brian doesn’t either. “I’m totally fine with how things are right now,” said Brian. “I’m not sure why things need to change.” Brian would prefer to make any changes after the kids are out of the house. “Why get new stuff for the kids to destroy? That’s what they are going to do. You know it, I know it. But, she wants to talk about it, and I’m just not ready for it.”

[Read more…] about Stapleton Man Doesn’t Have Energy to Discuss Home Furnishings with Wife

Keith Plakke does a respectable job at keeping a nice home. He mows his lawn, does some weeding, waters the flowers, and so on. But the winter is a different story. “I hate the cold,” says Plakke. “I don’t like to work in it, drive in it, or be outside when it’s cold at all.” So, as Plakke looks towards the upcoming winter months with disdain, he was quickly reminded of how much he hates it after the recent fall snow. “Even getting dressed is more of a pain in the ass,” said Plakke. “Not to mention getting clothes on the kids. I mean, talk about adding time on to your day.” The one nice thing for Plakke about the winter is that he has a nice neighbor who typically shovels his sidewalk. “It’s a great deal,” says Plakke. “I patiently wait for him to go out and start shoveling, and then I walk out towards the very end, acting as if I was going to help. I’m always very thankful, of course. But, it’s Denver. That snow was going to melt in a few hours anyway, right? Plakke is really hoping the goodwill of his neighbor continues. “If he just stops doing my shoveling, that could completely ruin my winter. I’m not even sure I own a shovel,” said Plakke. Plakke knows that the dead of winter is some months off, but worrying about the situation does cause him angst. “The waiting is the hardest part. Not knowing if I am going to have to do my own work or not. I almost want to just bring him a couple bottles of decent whiskey and sit down and talk about it. That way, it would finally be over.” Unfortunately for Plakke, winter is not.

Scott Strassburg enjoys being social and getting together with neighbors and friends. He will meet them at restaurants, bars, parks, house parties, and basically anywhere. That is, except his own house. “It’s not that I don’t like people, I just don’t want them in my house,” said Strassburg. “A lot of times they want to bring their kids. Have you seen what kids do to houses? They destroy them. Plus, I have to stress about what I have to get everyone to eat, drink, and so on. Then, there’s pre-hosting cleaning and post-hosting cleaning. It’s just a lot of stuff to do just to have a home game.” Strassburg says that he is flexible when it comes to small gatherings. “If it’s just a couple of the neighbor dudes without kids to watch a game, I’m totally in. It’s just the idea of having to put work and thought into it. Why add unnecessary stress?” Strassburg admits that although he refuses to ever host, he expects to continue to be invited to other parties. “I still think I’m a good enough guest that even though I don’t invite people to my place, I should still be invited to parties.”

[Read more…] about Stapleton Man Refusing to Host Gatherings Still Expects Others to Invite Him

Progress Coworking and Stapleton All Sports are sponsoring an evening of gambling, drinking, and dancing, with a chance to win lots of great prizes, at the first ever Vegas Night in Stapleton hosted by The Hangar at Stanley Marketplace. The event is on Friday, November 2nd, from 6:30 to 10:30, but the party will continue on in to the early morning hours at Stanley Beer Hall.

[Read more…] about Vegas Night in Stapleton; What Happens in Stapleton, Stays in Stapleton

People have been moving from one Stapleton neighborhood to another for over a decade. Recently, some neighborhoods have seen an increased number of residents moving out and up to the newer neighborhoods up north. “We’ve definitely noticed more people leaving the older neighborhoods, or shithole neighborhoods as we call them, to Willow Park East and Wicker Park,” said Principal HOA Spokesperson Janelle Ayers. “It just has that new neighborhood smell that everyone likes. Plus, East 29th Ave., Westerly Creek, and South End are just kind of shitholes.” Although residents notice some of their neighbors have been moving north, they take exception to the Principle HOA calling their neighborhoods “shitholes.” “Did they actually refer to our neighborhood as a ‘shithole?’ questioned East 29th Avenue resident Dana Montgomery. “I mean, without us, there would be no Stapleton. We started this thing and we still love our neighbors and this borough. It’s hardly a shithole.” Westerly Creek resident Jim Shaffer was also taken aback by the comments made by the Principle HOA. “That’s a terribly irresponsible statement,” said Shaffer. “I mean, these are current residents who pay their HOA fees and help make Stapleton a great neighborhood. Almost not believable that a person of authority could call a region a shithole. Hopefully, no one else is okay with this.” Ayers has since backed off her original comments saying it’s just something they say and “really don’t mean anything by it.” “We did not mean to offend anyone,” said Ayers. “But the reality is, I bet when people go to local bars and talk to each other about Stapleton, they probably do call these older boroughs shitholes. So, they know what we’re talking about.” Correction: An earlier version of this story had Ayers calling the neighborhoods “shithouses.” The term she used was “shithole” and the appropriate edits have been made. We apologize for the error.

The hit Broadway play ‘Hamilton’ is coming to the Buell theatre in March, but for most Denver area residents, there is really no chance of getting in to the quickly sold out show. People waited online for hours only to find out they were behind tens of thousands of people or heard the news by 3PM that tickets were sold out. “It was tough to hear as I had promised my wife we would get tickets,” said Stapleton resident Eric Heald. “I had two computers going and was trying to call in, but just no luck.”

[Read more…] about ‘Hamilton’ Coming to The Cube

Cold weather and snow has sporadically hit Denver, and that means it’s time to get out the gloves, hats, and boots. The Klingman family keeps all of these items in one big messy container. And the container is not just for the new items. The Klikngmans keep old gloves and boots that no longer fit the kids, or gloves they no longer use. Mom Dawn fully intends to sell the items on Swap as soon as she gets around to it. “We’ve just been so busy these last…well, several years,” said Dawn. “But, I will do it. I promise.”

[Read more…] about Container Holding Hats and Gloves Getting Fucking Ridiculous