In a study conducted by Johns Hopkins University, Stapleton kids have proven again they are ahead of the curve. Johns Hopkins took a sample of over ten million teenagers who play the popular waste of time, Fortnite, and tracked their improvement over an eight-month time period. “What we found is that most kids did got better after playing an average of four hours per day, which was expected,” said Dr. Bryan Farrell, lead researcher on the study. “Then, we spliced that down by age, number of hours played, and even ZIP codes. We weren’t sure what we were trying to learn necessarily, but kids waste so much time playing it, we figured we had to do some sort of study on it.”
Not surprising to Stapleton parents, the 80238 ZIP fared very well when it came to improvement in the game, with 80238 being one of the top five best ZIP codes in the country when it came to marked improvement. “Well, I guess all that time is paying off,” said local parent Ashley Mason. “I would rather have them good at something valuable, but at least it’s nice to hear they are doing well at it.” Luke Travillian agrees. “I’m always frustrated when they want to play that game, but to be one of the top five best in the country, that’s pretty cool,” said Travillian. Many parents weren’t happy with the results of the study. “It’s really embarrassing,” said Ryan Carney. “Who wants our kids to be good at a fucking video game? We shouldn’t be encouraging this.” Kristen Weber was also discouraged by the results of the study. “It just shows how spoiled kids in Stapleton are,” said Weber. “They have access to this game and we are letting them play it too much. I would like to see our kids improve scholastically or athletically at the same rate. Now that would be something to brag about.” Dr. Farrell suggests parents just be patient, as the Fortnite fad will pass. “The good news is that kids will eventually want to stop playing Fortnite,” said Farrell. “The bad news is it will simply be because they want to start playing another video game.” Parents, looks like its time to just burn all those video game consoles.