Staff Writer

Man Coughs at Park to Clear Area So He Can Play Baseball With Son

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Stapleton Dad Randy Pfalzgraf was headed over to the F-15 park to play some baseball with his nine year old son, Tanner.  It was a beautiful day, with weather in the mid-60’s and no wind.  Due to the great weather, several other people were spending time at the park as well.  “There were people over kicking soccer balls, playing frisbee, and a few people even trying to fly a kite,” said Pfalzgraf.  The problem was we needed space to let my son hit and field some balls.  I didn’t want anyone getting hit with a ball, and they were all there before me.  I couldn’t just ask them to get out of our way.” 

Stapleton Conglomerate to Purchase Private Pool

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Rumors have surfaced of several local residents forming a conglomerate of investors who plan to purchase land and build a private pool.  The unidentified group who only spoke on the condition of anonymity have formed the organization out of fear the Stapleton MCA pools will not be open this summer.  “What are we going to do with our kids?” asked one of the investors.  “Pools are the single best summer babysitter,” said another.  Others were concerned about non-kid related issues.  “Honestly, summer is a great time to check out the hot moms in the hood.  Where are all these hot moms and nannies (nanny pool article) going to go to show off their bods if the pools are closed?” questioned another concerned member of the conglomerate. 

Nothing has been finalized yet in regards to location or logistics, but members suggest it could be in Willow Park.  “There are some spaces there we are considering,” said one of the members.”  Other things being worked out by the members is who will be allowed at the pool, what the charge will be, will they allow squirt guns, bottled alcohol, etc.  “It’s still in the very early stages,” said a member.  “It will be a ‘Stapleton only’ pool.  We do know that.”  The conglomerate knows that one pool won’t be enough for the entire community, but “hopefully it will serve as a next best thing,” said a member.  “We may have to have people book times, like you would for a golf course.”  Asked on how Covid plays in to all of this, the member simply said, “I don’t even care anymore.”

Family Scores Record 4th Fight In Day Over Children’s Board Game

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The Halupnik family like other families throughout Stapleton has tried to make the most of this situation and has tried to keep busy.  “Anytime we have an opportunity to get outside, we do that so that we can kill some time, obviously,” says mother Susana.  “We have definitely had some challenging weather days, so we have to become creative during those times.”  Husband Mark acknowledges the challenges of getting through each day and each week.  “We for sure have allowed more screen time than we have previously.  But, we are still conscience of it, and we cut it off to make sure the kids are being as productive as they can in this ridiculously crappy time.”  The Halupniks have a 10 year old son and an 8 year old daughter.

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Stapleton Swingers: “In Person Sex Way Better Than Zoom Sex”

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The Stapleton Swingers group has been hit especially hard by the Covid “stay at home” policy.  “It’s been really challenging for our group,” said Amy Ford.  “Obviously, all of our in-person events have been canceled.  I mean, you have to be responsible during these times.  You don’t want someone catching a deadly disease, right?”  As the lead of the group, Amy says they have made sure to keep in contact.  “We still keep items on the calendar and email each other.  We know we will eventually come out of this thing and when we do, we want to be able to hit the ground running, so to speak.” 

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Quebec King Soopers Fully Stocked; Stapleton Residents Still Refuse to Go

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Since the Covid pandemic officially hit roughly a month ago, people everywhere have been stocking up on anything and everything.  This mad rush has left grocery stores all over Denver short on all sorts of home necessities.  Locally, Target and the Eastbridge King Soopers have continually been out of items including and not limited to cereal (wtf), meat, baking goods, and yes, most paper products.  While Stapleton residents continue to patron these stores.  “I mean, unless you want to drive all around Denver, you just need to stick with what we have, right?” asks Eastbridge resident Terry Kongshaug.  “You keep going and hope you get lucky at stocking time.”  Resident Jodi Houston feels the same way.  “It’s really frustrating, but it’s not like I’m going to leave Stapleton.  And, really Target and the Eastbridge Soopers are really the only options right now.”

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Stapleton Couple Fights Over Who GETS to Shovel Sidewalk

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Shoveling is typically a chore no one wants to do, especially in the Carman house.  “I’ll nag him after a snow to get out and shovel like all the other guys on the block are,” said Meg.  “I hate having our house be the only house on the block that has a snow-covered sidewalk.”  Meg’s husband Jeff says that sometimes Meg has to do the shoveling base on the timing of the snow and when he is either at work or has to leave for work.  “It doesn’t always work out, as sometimes I’m not even home when it is snowing.  Regardless of what she thinks, I can’t be in two places at the same time.”  Neither of the two enjoys shoveling.  “I mean, having to bundle up, go out in the could and do hard, physical labor for 20 minutes is not something I enjoy,” says Meg.  “I don’t mind the work,” says Jeff.  “It’s just dicking around trying to find my boots, gloves, and hat, putting stuff on and taking it off…just a pain in the ass.”

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Stapleton Dad Misses Seeing Hot Mom at School Drop Off

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School drop off has always been a great thing for Swigert dad Keith Grady. “A lot of people don’t like the hassle of getting their kids in and out of the car, dealing with their potential fights, making sure they are emotionally ready for school, and so on,” said Grady. “But, I have always enjoyed school drop off, and in particular, this year.” Grady says aside from getting to see his lovable children off to school, there is another reason he has been extremely eager to drop his kids at school. “Have you seen Amy Houston?” Grady asks rhetorically. “I bet at least 60% of the dads you see at Swigert school drop off are there specifically to see her. I mean, there are LOTS of hot moms at the Swigert drop off, but seeing Amy can really make your day.”

Grady says one of the things that stands out about Amy is that she is approachable. “A lot of these hot moms won’t even acknowledge your existence. Amy will say hi, and even engage in conversation by asking you a question. I mean, I know she doesn’t like me, and we’re both married, but it’s still pretty cool to feel like someone is pretending to almost flirt with you.” Grady says the recent school closure has been really hard on his family. “Obviously, having the kids home all day is very difficult. The kids are missing their friends, teachers, their activities, and just the structure of normalcy.” Grady feels the school closure has hit him the hardest. “Not seeing Amy every morning has been really hard,” says Grady. “I’ve stalked her on LinkedIn and considered giving her a friend request on Facebook, but I’m not sure that’s appropriate considering I don’t even know her that well.” Grady thinks there are some things DPS could be doing to ease his struggles. “The kids are doing these virtual classrooms through Zoom. Why can’t we have a virtual drop off once a week? Maybe you just sit your kid down in a chair, and then you can wave to any of the other parents sitting their kids down. I mean, that couldn’t be that hard to set up, right?” Ultimately, Grady is hoping that school will be ready to go next fall. “At this point, I just hope to start seeing her again next year. This virus needs to run its course. I really miss Amy.”

Auction Guest Stunned After Realizing Event was “For the Kids”

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Shane Campbell had been looking forward to the party High Tech Elementary was throwing for a month. “It was an opportunity to meet new people that have kids at our school, and an excuse to get us out of the house for a while,” said Shane. “We already know lots of people there, so we were going to have a dinner party beforehand, and kind of cut loose for the night.” The Campbells had a sitter all set to go for the event, and were very excited to get away from the kids and have an evening for themselves with their friends. According to Shane, the night started off great. “We met up with friends at Punch Bowl Social and did some bowling, some eating, and some drinking,” said Shane. “It was a blast. And we were just getting going.” The couples then headed off to the Hangar for the school auction. “We knew we were going to see more friends, and drink more booze,” said Shane. “So, as good as it was, things were going to get better.” Shane and his party arrived at the auction casually late, and a little buzzed. “We saw lots of parents we see at the school, but never get a chance to speak with,” said Shane. “I was looking forward to doing some socializing.” Shane grabbed his wife a wine and himself a craft beer, and they began walking around. “We started mingling, meeting people, really having a great time. It was so much fun.” Shane was on top of the world, when suddenly the principal walked to the front of the room by a large projection screen. “So, she asks for our attention, and we see a PowerPoint presentation up on the screen,” said Shane. “No good party has ever included a PowerPoint presentation. I was freaking out.” Things got worse before they got better. “Three slides in I find out this whole thing was for the kids,” said Shane. “I was shocked. I came to meet with people and get a night out away from my kids, and I come to find out this entire thing was for the kids? It was really a buzz kill. We sat there through a 20 minute presentation and learned that schools need funding, and they need our help…you know, for the kids.” Shane says that he will be more careful next time when deciding to go to an event without a complete understanding as to what it’s about. “Hey, buyer beware, I guess. Won’t make that mistake again.”