In an announcement that will shake 2 and 3 year olds to their core, the popular children entertainers ‘The Wiggles’ have abruptly cancelled a planned outdoor concert performance at the Stapleton Town Center.  Originally slated for Saturday, July 23^rd, at 1:00 PM, a specific reason for the cancellation was not given.  However, during a surprisingly impromptu statement issued by the usually silent Wiggles cast member, “Wags the Dog” outside a San Antonio Hooters location, the popular K-9 character finally broke his silence. “These guys have been perpetually pushing the envelope for so long, it’s finally caught up with them – just look at ‘em.  They’re a collective (expletive) train-wreck,” added Wags.  “You don’t honestly think they could display that level of energy and enthusiasm day in, day out, without a few ‘Mother’s Little Helpers’ do you?” [Read more…] about Wiggles Cancel July Town Center Performance Amid Substance Abuse Rumors

Neighbors in Stapleton’s Southend aren’t sleeping any easier after hearing about a Caucasian man seen walking a white Labordoodle along the greenbelt last week.  The man was reportedly seen walking the allergy- friendly pooch at 6PM last Thursday near the skate park. “Something just didn’t seem right about it,” reported Southend resident and block captain, Dana McAlister, who saw the man and his non-shedding canine while she was removing flyers from her front door.  “It was dinner time for one and kind of hot, so I thought, ‘that’s kind of weird.’” [Read more…] about Southenders on High Alert After Spotting White Guy Walking Dog

In an effort to make Stapleton moms less self conscious and nannies less “creeped out,” the Stapleton MCA has agreed to turn one of its pools (YTD) into a “nanny-only” pool.  The pool has received extremely mixed feedback, albeit consistent within groups.  For example, Stapleton moms and nannies are very excited about the new pool.  “I think it’s great,” says Stapleton mom Delicia Speaker.  “There are so many nannies, that it makes sense to have a pool just for them.  It is not about us moms.  We just really care about the nannies.”  Nannies are on the side of the moms.  “I am excited,” says Heidi Andreasen.  “It will be nice to go to the pool without getting stared at by all those really creepy old guys.  I mean, the other day, this dad that was like 36 said hi to me.  Ewwww!” [Read more…] about Stapleton MCA to Open “Nanny Only” Pool

Stapleton residents have become so desperate for a Havana Town Center, they are now ecstatic about the announcement of a 711 convenient store moving in farther down the road on Havana.  “I was psyched it wasn’t a King Soopers,” said resident Ben Raiklin.  “This is so huge.  I will happily pay the extra 30% to not have to drive two miles to King Soopers.”  Other residents, such as Tom Brennan, are psyched about the unique product offerings of 711.  “Usually, I have to drive an extra couple miles to get my big gulp.  Now, I just head down the road and grab one for myself and then some Slurpees for the kids.” [Read more…] about Thank Heaven! 711!

This may be bad timing considering we just celebrated our great nation’s independence, and I am writing an article that goes directly in the face of the constitution’s 2nd amendment.  However, as an editor of a major publication, it is my responsibility to do what I think is right and mobilize the masses. [Read more…] about Letter from the Editor: Help Put an End to High-Powered Squirt Guns at Stapleton Pools

Sunday, June 19^th, the Stapleton Farmer’s Market opened up on the green. The market gives residents a chance to shop for organic vegetables, pet treats, salsa, and even top meat cuts (The Stapletonion highly recommends Blue Horseshoe steaks & burgers — www.bhcattle.com.  It is also fun to simply walk around, let the kids play, enjoy the weather and talk with friends. Opening day was going great with tremendous vendors, great weather, and overall good times. At approximately 10:45AM, all that changed, with the simple snap of fingers.  “I remember seeing two people walking towards each other, snapping,” said resident Kristen Battenfield.  “It was pretty stupid looking.”  Things got worse for the farmers market when suddenly “Dancin’ in the Streets” by David Bowie and Mick Jagger began playing loudly.  “Immediately, the green was filled with all these people,” said Battenfield.  “The dance, as expected, was rudimentary. People left during the ‘performance’ and I am sure the local businesses weren’t happy.” Many businesses were disappointed with the timing of the event.  “I don’t know why the flash mobsters decided to ruin opening weekend,” said salsa salesman Nick Dinnebier. “Most of the business owners have already talked with the police, and the police said they will arrest any future flash mobsters at the market.”  Although no one was directly hurt by the flash mobsters, there is no way to evaluate the psychological impact.  “I wish flash mobsters would at least think about the kids,” says Battenfield.  “There were at least a dozen kids crying, trying to cover their eyes and ears.”  Market-goers are asked to immediately report any suspicious behavior and keep a close eye on those that do not appear to look like Stapleton residents.  ]]>

[Read more…] about Complaints Force Stapleton All Sports to Change Name to Stapleton Some Sports

Construction on a new neighborhood preschool began over the past few months and many Stapleton residents have been confounded by the new silo at its front door. Stapleton resident Colleen Lawruk tells the Stapletonion, “My daughter will be starting preschool school in the fall and we were very excited that there might be a farm at the site. My son loves pigs so we are hoping some interaction with farm animals was built into the curriculum.” But upon further investigation, the Stapletonion has discovered from the preschool’s headmistress, Lisa Bartness, that the silo will serve as a “time out” room for children who act out. She explains, “we plan to fill the silo with “time out” appropriate games and let the children reflect upon their poor behavior. We think that it will work perfectly because there are no corners in the room which will have a psychological effect on the kids to help deter them from misbehaving in the future.”  [Read more…] about Preschool "Re-Education Chamber" Under Construction