With a reported five robberies and two aggravated assaults, the Denver Police Department wanted to help Stapleton residents understand what they can do to not be a victim. Below are some of their tips:

• Don’t shop at the Stapleton King Soopers late at night. Just don’t do it. Did you really need those Double-Stuffed Oreos at 10PM? Okay, maybe you did, but go to a 711 where the lighting is better and it is significantly safer.
• When you are walking late at night, keep your hand inside your waistband to give the impression that you are packing heat. Don’t actually carry a gun, however.
• Take jiu jitsu classes. If things come to hand to hand fighting, no one wants to be choked out or have their elbow busted. Knowing you can do these things will also make you feel safer.
• Travel around with crossfit chicks. These chicks can kick people’s asses, and perpetrators know this. Just buy them each a paleo dinner and you are good to go.
• If you are threatened, yell loudly, “I’m from Black Hawk County, bitch!” They will know what’s up and slowly back away. Trust me; don’t mess with people from Black Hawk County.
• If someone pulls up close to you, run wildly at them screaming and yelling. They want you to run. But, when they see a psycho running at them, they usually pull away pretty quickly.

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On the heels of a recent armed robbery, Forest City and Blackwater Security have inked a deal to make Stapleton much safer. “Immediately below making money for our stockholders, is the safety of our residents here in Stapleton,” says Forest City President Phil Dargossi. “As residents know, things are getting out of hand. We need to stop this train before it gets going. People need to know that Stapleton is committed to being the best urban neighborhood, and that means making it the safest.” Blackwater won the bid on an undisclosed cost to Forest City. “This group has been around for a long time, and knows how to do things right,” said Dargossi. Except for that one little incident, of course.” Blackwater (Academi) CEO Craig Nixon promises that his organization will be able to clean things up and make Stapleton safe. “We specialize in rough, urban terrains like this,” said Nixon. “Part of what we do is peacekeeping, but we do it through fear. We want any potential criminals to get the idea that hey, ‘you burgle here, you’re going to die here.’ We have the utmost confidence that things will be handled to residents’ satisfaction. What could go wrong with a Nixon in charge?” Nixon says that his organization plans to do several things, but would only disclose some of them. “Obviously, a lot of it is surveillance,” says Nixon. “But, we will have boots on the ground. However, the bad guys just won’t know who they are.” Nixon went on to say that his people will be posing as contractors, parcel carriers, and even school bus drivers. “We want potential criminals to be suspicious of everything, to the point where the paranoia simply removes Stapleton as the easy target it has been.” Resident Mike Leonhart is excited about the extra help. “It’s nice to see Forest City stepping up,” says Leonhart. “It seems like the local police aren’t doing enough for us. They keep saying they have a whole other part of the city to patrol, but I’m not buying that. Bring on Blackwater.” Sarah Rudee agrees. “It will be nice to be able to send my kids to the park without having to worry about them being robbed,” says Rudee. “It’s about the kids, and if Blackwater can make a safer environment for my kids, than I am all for it.” Not all residents are enthused about the extra security. “I guess I always just think that fewer guns are safer,” says Ken Ray. “How trigger happy are these guys? I am certainly not comfortable with collateral damage. Way too many kids here to have a bunch of assassin’s walking around. This is another crazy idea from Forest City.” Susan Hoffman agrees. “I don’t want a bunch of crazy guys walking around with guns,” says Hoffman. “That is what we are trying to get rid of.” Nixon has assured Forest City that they have very strict rules on when they are allowed to initiate a firefight. “Our guys are trained in hand to hand combat as well,” says Nixon. “From the research and numbers we have run, we don’t see more than two circumstances a week where our people will be firing their weapons.” Stapleton residents will soon be sleeping much easier with Blackwater on our side. ]]>

Forest City has recently been promoting the newest and ninth Stapleton neighborhood, Willow Park East. Just north of the Conservatory Green neighborhood, Willow Park East will have 700 homes. The new neighborhood is described as having “a modern aesthetic and an organic vibe” and “a neighborhood that weaves nature on a grand scale into a friendly urban pattern.” Furthermore, “It’s a mix of purposeful new parks, sweeping green spaces, innovative new schools and next-generation homes.” [Read more…] about Compare & Contrast; Forest City Neighborhood Visions Versus Reality

Northfield High School continues to prepare for its inaugural year next fall. Teachers and administrators are being hired, and of course, construction on the building continues to take place. School officials are also working hard to make sure there are clubs and activities for the freshman class. One of the biggest challenges for a new school is integrating an athletics department. [Read more…] about Northfield High School to Have Smartest, Least Athletic Sports Teams

Working with the FBI, the Denver Public Schools’ (DPS) Police Department has uncovered a hackers’ collective operating out of High Tech Elementary School in Conservatory Green. Led by a set of three second-graders, and also including students from first grade and kindergarten, the ring of hackers made use of equipment and technology resources at the school to infiltrate a number of websites and programs, including PBS Kids, Minecraft, and the DPS lunch and calendar sites, among others. [Read more…] about Hackers’ Collective Uncovered at High Tech

The Grove at Stapleton touts “like the olive groves of ancient Greece, The Grove at Stapleton is a place where friends, old and new, share stories of past adventures and plan exciting new ones.” Essentially, the Grove plans to be a great place for those in their mid-50’s to score some tail. Like any other community, many Stapleton families experience divorce. Most people moved to Stapleton so that they could give their children great opportunities, and therefore, a lot of people here try to be good parents. So, when a divorce happens, those involved in the separation try to stay in the neighborhood. [Read more…] about “The Grove at Stapleton” to be Completed Just in Time for Mid-Life Divorcees

Denver Police fielded a record number of 9-1-1 and 3-1-1 calls from miffed Stapletonians complaining their spouses were being passive aggressive after viewing President Obama’s State of the Union Speech. Chief McClelland said his district was just recovering from the massive amount of paperwork generated by the spike in domestic violence as a result of the Broncos loss two weeks ago when the phones lit up on Tuesday night. “It was crazy, we had men and women calling, reporting their significant others were being abusive. Of course we were concerned.” But after the 17th caller explained that the abuse was just passive aggressive behavior, Cheif McClelland instructed his dispatchers to “just hear them out, fill out a report, and file it away.” [Read more…] about Denver Police Report Increase in Passive Aggressive Behavior After State of the Union

Local fitness entrepreneur Jim Barrett has been a member of several fitness clubs and groups and has even started a few. “I have done almost every fitness craze out there,” says Barrett. “From Bowflex to Zumba. There are lots of great ways to keep in shape. I am always just trying to stay on the cutting edge, and stay ahead of the game. That’s why I started ‘Snow Way.’ It is a revolutionary and unique way to get into and stay in shape. Not to mention, it provides a great public service.” [Read more…] about Business Spotlight: Snow Shovel Your Way to a New You