Nancy King and her husband Matt have been married for nine years now, with many of those years being unhappy ones. They have two children, Abi a six year old, and Andrew a four year old. They both love their children, and know that it is not healthy to raise them in an unhappy home. So why do they stay together?
“We have realized that raising kids is a lot of work,” says Nancy. “As much as I sometimes despise Matt, he is good with the kids and is very helpful. I could never afford help like that if we were divorced.”
“Do you realize how much work divorce is,” exclaimed Matt. “What if we do the every other week or weekend thing. During my weeks, I have to do all of that picking up, dropping off, feeding, putting to bed, putting clothes on them, laundry, etc. on my own. That is just way too much to ask.”
In spite of their relationship shortcomings, Matt and Nancy make an excellent team. When one wants to go hang out with friends, the other stays home with the kids with no problem. While Matt is rushing the kids off to soccer practice, Nancy is getting the groceries for the week. “I can’t even imagine doing all this crap on my own,” says Nancy. “People say we need to get out and try to be happy, but I don’t see a lot of scenarios where I am happy having the kids away every other week and then trying to do everything for them while they are here. Maybe when they are both in junior high we will finally call it quits.”
Relationship expert Dr. Kevin Miller makes a distinct difference between staying together “for” the kids versus “because” of the kids. “Many people convince themselves that they are staying together for the kids,” says Miller. “In a majority of cases, this is simply not accurate. Staying together for the kids means you are trying to do them a favor. Living in an unhappy household never benefits the kids. However, when you stay together because of the kids, you are correctly implying that the inconveniences you would suffer in a divorce outweigh the potential happiness you may benefit from through a divorce.”
Dr. Miller actually recommends staying together because of the kids at least until the kids are in 4th or 5th grade, unless the couple is unable to avoid fighting in front of the children on a nightly basis. In that case, he recommends an immediate separation.]]>