Issue 161

Stapleton woman Sarah Burns left town for a three-day work trip two weeks ago. Like many successful, working Stapleton women, Sarah occasionally has to travel. “It’s not too bad,” said Burns. “Usually, it’s just one to two days, but every once in a while, I have to be gone for three to four days. I miss the kids, but with technology, I can at least see them and talk to them.” When business women leave town, they have to trust their spouses to make sure everything gets done around the house. “There is so much going on with the kids,” said Burns. “School lunches, drop off and pick up, after school activities, breakfast and dinner, homework, housecleaning, and laundry, to name some of the things.”

[Read more…] about Record One-Third of Shit Gets Done While Wife Out of Town

Recently, Stanley Marketplace implemented a new policy where pets will no longer be allowed inside the building. The policy excludes service animals, but included and was not limited to dogs, cats, and even harmless dinosaurs. “We knew this would cause some backlash,” said Stanley spokesperson Kyle Strassburg. “Many of our patrons enjoyed bringing their friends, big and little, in to our place. But, with so many different animals, so many people, so many restaurants, it just became too much. We had to make a tough decision, and ultimately our animal friends are the ones who lost out.” Resident Jim Evers is having a hard time dealing with the change. “I used to bring my pet velociraptor in here all the time,” said Evers. “Some people were nervous around Cooper, but he is so sweet. It’s not like he’s a pit bull or anything. It was just great to let him hang out while I had a couple of beers at Cheluna. I definitely think this will hurt their business.” Ryan Barnum agrees. “My troodon and I used to go in there all the time,” said Barnum. “This new policy is bogus. I get not wanting filthy cats and dogs in there, but what is the issue with Scooter, an innocent troodon? It’s ridiculous. I mean, I’m still going to go there, because it’s Stanley, but I’m not always going to like it.”

[Read more…] about Stanley’s New “No Dinosaur” Policy Frustrating to Local Residents

The “Shortcut to Stanley” has become busier and busier since it opened just over a year ago. The only traffic on the road back then was headed straight to Stanley Marketplace or maybe to Amina Auto to fix a vehicle. Nowadays Stanley is attracting business from every direction, and people from Aurora are using Dayton as a through street. For the most part, this isn’t a big deal. Except that for some reason, a number of drivers insist on treating the intersection as if it is a 4-way stop. “So many times I am headed up Dayton to turn right to go to Stanley,” said Eastbridge resident Steve Nielson. “I’m waiting for the traffic on 25th traffic to clear, and suddenly, the driver just stops, waiting for me. That’s nice and all, but it’s not a 4-way stop.” Nielson says this has happened to him on several occasions. “There is a dip in the road there for sure, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop.” Other residents have driven in to the same issue. “It’s really annoying, and dangerous,” says North Central Park resident Amber Gerber. “Why are they stopping? Are they going to go right when I do? Is someone going to go around them and hit me?” City officials have been alerted of the issue, and agree something needs to be done. “When I drove over there just to observe the sight, it happened to me first thing,” said Aurora City Traffic Engineer Mark Lewis. “It’s very likely we just add two stop signs and call it a day. Must be that our brains think there should be a stop sign there so just fill in the blank.” Until the issue is resolved, area drivers are reminded that they should obey actual street signs, not ones they think should be there.

Eastbridge continues to see its neighborhood Christmas decorations soar to new heights. People go as far as paying thousands of dollars to have them professionally decorated. Many people spend countless hours on the weekend going to the store to purchase new decorations and getting their arrangement just right for everyone to enjoy, not to mention bragging rights. This holiday season Eastbridge resident Mark Street decided to buy two menorahs and place them inside his two front window sills. “I really just got sick and tired of trying to keep up with the Jones’s, having to buy bigger and better Christmas lights every fucking year. It’s bad enough Christmas decorations go up the day after Halloween, even worse my next-door neighbor Jon just dropped $400 on an 8 foot blow-up Grinch. I purchased two Menorahs on sale for $89 on shop-judaica.com. There was no assembly required, and it took me five minutes to put the batteries in and set them up, which gave me the entire afternoon to watch college football and even a little time to play with my kids.”

[Read more…] about Eastbridge Man Pretends to Convert to Judaism to Avoid Putting Up Christmas Lights

Stapleton parents Stew and Carol Hogan promise to not go overboard every year. However, every Holiday Season, they find themselves in the same predicament with lots of presents and no place to put them. “We used to be able to hide them different places in the loft and the basement,” said Stew. “But, the kids are getting older, so they seem to be doing more ‘exploring’ so to speak. We can only put so many toys in Carol’s underwear drawer.” The couple had been shifting things from car to car, covering items with blankets, but it got to be too much. “Our neighbors used to hide things at their place as well,” said Carol. “But, they have so much stuff now, too. We couldn’t have their kids finding our kids’ stuff.” Ultimately, the Hogans decided they needed a better temporary hiding solution. “We eventually went with a nearby storage facility in Aurora,” said Stew. “Sure, it adds more money to the Christmas expense, but it does remove a lot of the stress. The kids aren’t going to drive to the storage facility, find the correct compartment, and then have the key.” The Hogans also figured out a way to at least mitigate some of the cost. “We shared the idea with our neighbors, and they loved the idea. So, we just split the cost, and it works out great for everyone.” The Hogans could consider not going overboard every Christmas, but that’s just not going to happen.