Issue 111

In what is being considered a HUGE victory for Stapleton men, a female libido pill has been approved by the FDA. “The fact that I can basically legally drug my wife into fooling around with me is great,” said Stapleton dad Royce Madison. “I mean, like most Stapleton dads, I’m a pretty average looking dude. But, have you seen my wife? She is smoking hot. She probably regrets not marrying a better looking guy, but here we are. And if she can legally take drugs to be more attracted to me, hey, more for me.” [Read more…] about Stapleton to Undergo Second Baby Boom After Female Libido Pill Approved

When the neighborhood pools close Labor Day weekend, so will a great chapter in a man’s life. Local dad Liam Gregory announced yesterday via Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and Periscope simultaneously that he will be hanging up the Hurley board shorts and white trucker hat for good. After years standing in knee deep water, pretending to watch his kids, it seems that the time has come to actually interact with his children (Colton and Brody). As with any retirement, the question of a potential comeback has already been asked, to which Gregory replied he “would never rule anything out”, but that he plans to be seen at the pool next summer “clad in solid-color swim trunks like the older dads, with a Coors Light in hand” (as opposed to his traditional retro-chique PBR). “Besides,” he continues, “my tribal arm band tattoo will always remind me of what once was.” [Read more…] about Local Dad to Retire Board Shorts

This summer has seen an influx in people asking for Stapletonians’ money in some regard. Of course there are the roofers, but Stapleton also has an increasing number of activists going door to door asking for money or loitering outside of local businesses looking to get residents to commit money to their cause or sign petitions. “It can actually be kind of annoying,” said resident Todd Wilson. “I just want to go the bar and have a few drinks, but I am accosted by people trying to get me to donate money, sign a petition, etc. Why can’t I just get that stuff in the mail like the old days? It was way easier to ignore.” Other residents agree that the foot traffic of salesman in their neighborhood has increased. “I certainly support activism,” said resident Jess Kornfeld. “I love that people are willing to get involved in things that I am too lazy to. But, it seems like they are ringing your doorbell when either your kids are sleeping, or they are coming by right at dinner time. Just leave some literature on the door.” [Read more…] about Stapleton MCA to Require Permits for Door to Door Salesman, Campaigners, and Activists

Over the last month, trees located in the F-15 pocket park have begun disappearing. All that remains is their root system, or a crater of where the tree used to be. It has become a source of urban legend to local residents. “I don’t think we have received an explanation,” said resident Mike Dreesman. “But the trees are slowly disappearing. And I have never seen anyone or anything coming in here to remove them. I would think that would be a pretty big operation, but I haven’t seen anything.” Resident Michelle Fox feels the same way. “Where are they going and who is taking them?” asked Fox. “And why are they taking them? It was nice having that little bit of shade, so, I really miss them. Now there are only a couple of places left to tie your dog while you run around with the kids. Pretty frustrating.” [Read more…] about Lorax Speaks Out Against Disappearance of Trees in Stapleton Pocket Park

It was recently announced that the Havana St. exit off of I-70 would undergo construction beginning this week and would not reopen until late this January. Crews will be working to demolish and repair a bridge. The announcement didn’t surprise any Stapleton residents. “You mean, it wasn’t already under construction?” asked resident Adam Hanlon. “That street is always having slows and closures, and if that’s not going on, you get stuck by the train.” Zach Crowley has had a similar experience with Havana. “Whenever I go down there, there seems to be something going on with the lights, or the roads, or the exits. It’s always a mess.” What’s not yet known is the traffic effect the construction will have on residential Stapleton. “It may end up being good,” said resident Joel Murphy. “I live on Havana, so I wouldn’t mind a little less traffic speeding through to Aurora.” Fulton residents were less excited about the temporary closure. “We already have people using our street as a raceway to Aurora,” said Fulton St. resident Laura Strassburg. “Now, there’s a chance that may double? Not excited about that at all.” It’s too early to know how much the closure will affect outsiders traffic patterns, but Eastbridge residents need to remember to get over and take that Central Park exit or Quebec exit, or you’re going to be super pissed when you get to Havana. ]]>

Stapleton resident and Director of Berni’s Journey, Berni Slowey is inviting Stapleton residents (and everyone else) to come see Berni’s Journey on August 21st, on the Green. This is a great way to support our local artists, and see a great documentary. You can read the Front Porch’s review by clicking here. There will be a discussion following the film, and Director Berni Slowey will be in attendance. ]]>

Nothing helps you get through happiness or depression like great food and alcohol! On August 24th, The Berkshire wants to help you get through your back to school week by offering $10 bottomless mimosas and $5 bloody Marys from 11AM-1PM. While you are enjoying your beverages, order yourself one of their many fine dishes. Just make sure not to shy away from the bacon! Best of success to all parents on a great school year! ]]>