Staff Writer

Society, or at least American society, has a series of social norms. One of these norms is politely asking questions of people of which you clearly don’t care or want to hear the answer to. Some of these include, “how are you,” “what have you been up to,” “how is your family,” “any big plans for (whatever season),” and “how’s your job going,” among tens of others. People ask these questions when they have nothing original to offer in conversation, yet feel awkwardly compelled to speak to someone. Sure, sometimes these questions can be genuine, but a lot of times, if you really cared about the person you were talking to, you would already know the answer to these general questions. In the end, the person asking the questions is trying to make an effort to be polite, so they shouldn’t be criticized for their efforts. Stapleton resident Chad Caughron feels differently however, especially in regards to a particular question. “Summer is now over, and you run into lots of people you haven’t seen for a while,” said a frustrated Caughron. “People at grocery stores, out to eat, and especially now at school. People keep asking me, ‘how was your summer?’ They really want me to sum up a three month time period in a paragraph or less? It’s one thing when people ask how you are doing today, but how has my last 90 days been? That’s a pretty ridiculous question.” Caughron would prefer people either not ask, or be more specific when speaking about large time periods. “If the question was, ‘what was the best place you went to this summer?’ or ‘are you excited to get the kids back in school?’ I can handle those. Quick and easy. But don’t make me condense my entire summer down to a few words and pretend I think you care.” Coughron has become so annoyed by the question, there’s a chance he could get violent if someone asks him again. “I swear, I’m going to strangle someone if I hear it again,” said Coughron. “I’m just going to jump at them screaming, and grab their neck. There better be some people around ready to pull me off. I just can’t handle it any more.” Maybe we should all be careful about asking people about their summers. There could be more Chad Caughron’s out there.

For better or worse, Stapleton is a community of privilege. The issues Stapleton residents deal with, are typically “white people problems” or at the very least “first world problems.” Stapleton residents may be heard discussing having one of their luxury SUV’s in the shop, or that a dance class they wanted their child to get into filled up, and even issues with their place in the mountains. But, nothing was more Stapleton than what resident Jennifer Larson overheard while at the Stanley two weeks ago. “I was sitting out in one of the common areas doing some work and drinking coffee,” said Larson. These two ladies, who must have been friends, were sitting there talking and laughing, but they were also kind of arguing. It was really ridiculous.” Larson pointed out two things that were obnoxious about the conversation. “First of all, they were talking extremely loud,” said Larson. “Secondly, they were actually arguing over who they thought had a busier European vacation. I mean, that’s pretty pretentious, even for Stapleton.” Larson said it got to the point where the friends were mapping out the schedule they had and comparing photos to see who ran around more. “It was really incredible. They would say things like, ‘Oh, you didn’t make it there? We did.’ I guess if you are going to argue over your fancy Euro-trip, maybe do so more quietly or somewhere private.”

Stapleton mom Michelle Graunke adores her children. She spends as much time with them as she can and will do everything for them. “They are just so sweet,” said Graunke. “They are the greatest thing and really terrific kids.” Graunke says overall, her kids behave extremely well. “We never get complaints from teachers or coaches, or their friend’s parents. It’s really nice knowing when we send them places, they’re going to be good.” There are occasions where the kids aren’t a picture of perfection, however. “When the kids are tired, it’s a total f#cking nightmare,” said Graunke. “I mean, I love those little bastards to death, but when they’re tired…they test me.” Graunke says bedtime can be a real mess. “I mean, if we’re getting them to bed just a minute passed the tipping point, it gets a little nuts. Screaming, crying, and sometimes, physical violence. They’re pretty f#cking miserable.” Graunke says she always comes back to loving them, but she goes through a short window of wondering what the hell she was thinking when she decided she wanted to have kids. “After they are sleeping, I calm down, remember the good times, and I am back to worshiping them again. But, man, during that tired-fit phase, I just want to just kill those little f#ckers.”

The popular social media site Next Door is often used by Northeast Denver residents. The site allows people to buy and sell items, post events, and even has a lost and found. The most common use is alerting others to suspicious behavior or crime in the neighborhood to help others become aware of important information. If something is time sensitive, people can mark their posts “urgent.” If there is an accident, a serious crime situation, a missing dog, and sometimes even a missing child, people often mark these posts “urgent” so that the messages get delivered directly to people’s email boxes. The aforementioned situations absolutely qualify as urgent, and area residents should give these matters the appropriate amount of attention. There are some situations where Next Door members are too liberal with the term “urgent” posting an item as urgent when the situation did not dictate it. The most common involves a missing feline. “I hate getting urgent emails from Next Door only to find out someone’s old cat is missing,” said Next Door user Skylar Walsworth. “It’s extremely annoying. I’m expecting to see big news on a crime in progress, but it’s just that someone let their senile house cat slip out. Sorry, can’t help you.” Stapleton resident and Next Door user Kate Hanson feels the same way. “It’s a cat,” exclaimed Hanson. “And no, a missing cat and a missing dog are not the same thing. First off, they’re from totally different suborders. Secondly, you can easily tell dogs apart. And finally, people like dogs.” Next Door user Eric Miller has a possible solution to the “urgent” missing cat issue. “Why not add it as a user group,” suggests miller. “You could choose if you want to hear about missing cats, or any animals really. If you care about cats, you will get all of the “urgent” missing cat notices. If you don’t care for them, you won’t be burdened with the emails.” However, the rule of thumb for users should be they understand no one gives a sh#t about god damn cats.

Stapleton people are competitive with everything. Their homes, cars, vacations, parties, and of course, their kids. But, no area is more dog eat dog than the competitive world of hot mom cliques. The Stapleton hot mom league boasts 18 different cliques, each trying to out-hot the others. Teams vie for the title of hottest clique by continuously adding and discarding “players (hot moms).” Often trades are even made. Once on a team, organizations share secrets to players on how to stay hot, whether it be skin care, diets, fitness strategies, what to wear, and of course, elective procedures. The fight to get free agent hot moms, those who aren’t currently on one of the hot mom teams, can be brutal, and the stakes are high. “We are always scouting new potential teammates,” said hot mom clique leader Amanda Baird. “We put our best foot forward and let them know what we can offer so that we get the unofficial title of hottest mom clique.” Other groups go as far as to pay off real estate agents. “If a hot mom moves into the neighborhood, we want to be the first to know about it,” said clique leader and CrossFit guru Maria Propp. “So, yeah, we have a large group of real estate agents we pay off so we can be the first to introduce ourselves. First impressions are important.”

[Read more…] about Hot Mom Clique Locks Up Free Agent to Three Year Deal

Stapleton mom Christine Morningstar has worked for roughly 12 years as a butler for her two boys, ages 10 and 13. She has provided meals, cleaned rooms, done laundry and many other tasks to help the boys any way she could. Overall, it has been a very gratifying experience for her. “I’ve really enjoyed this job,” said Morningstar. “Of course, it can be a grind, but I really do love these boys and would do anything for them. I think what makes any job special is who you work with, and these kids have been great to work with.” As the boys have grown older, their needs have changed, however. They are not as picky with meals, they clean their own rooms, and have even started trying to do their own laundry. “I knew my position was getting downsized,” said Morningstar. “So, we sat down to talk about where the organization was headed, and if there was somewhere else I could fit in.”

[Read more…] about Stapleton Mom Making Smooth Transition from Children’s Butler to Children’s Chauffeur

Stapleton parents Dana and Bryan Phillips have a five year old boy who is similar to most Stapleton five year olds. Max enjoys playing at the park, going to the pool, and spending time with his friends. When Max is with his Stapleton friends, you almost can’t tell the one area in which Max is completely different than his buddies in the neighborhood. Max is not the best at everything he does. “We love Max so much,” said Dana. “He is good at a lot of things, but we know he is not the best at everything. I know that is a weird thing for a Stapleton parent to say, but we know it’s true, and we have to be honest with ourselves.”

[Read more…] about Stapleton Parents Comfortable With Child Not Being Best at Everything

With the Shortcut to Stanley preparing to open soon, neighboring cities Denver and Aurora have had issues settling on the street name of the new road. “From our standpoint, it’s not an issue at all,” said City of Aurora engineer Kevin McCoy. “This is in Aurora, so we get to name the street. Denver can name any street they want, but not ones in the City of Aurora. We will take care of that on our end.” Denver city Engineer Luke White disagrees. “Their city?” asked White. “If it wasn’t for Stapleton, the real one, not Stapleton Aurora, no one would even care about that part of Aurora. Hell, Aurora didn’t care about that part of Aurora until Stapleton came along. So, yeah, we feel like we should get some input there and the Stapleton street, Emporia, should keep the name as it goes through to the Stanley. Bringing Stapleton people, to a Stapleton project.” Aurora ignored Denver’s requests and ultimately hitched a street sign branding the street Dayton Way. “It was pretty disrespectful,” said White. “They didn’t so much as reply to our requests to discuss it. It was pretty childish and frustrating. But, you know, I guess you fight fire with fire.” Denver responded by placing a massive concrete bench with the name “Emporia Street” etched on it. “It’s not going to be fun trying to move that thing,” White said with a grin. “Let’s see if they have anything left in their arsenal.” McCoy did not let on what Aurora will do next, but admitted there will be a response. “This thing is going to escalate quickly,” said McCoy. “We’re just getting started.” Looks like the border wars are back in a big way.