A yet to be named retail business is headed into 29th St. Town Center, and they are hoping for big things. “We know a lot of great businesses have come and gone in the 29th St. Town Center,” says shop owner Cindy Kornfeld. “We know there are lots of challenges there, mostly involving the cost of the lease,” said Kornfeld in regards to Forest City’s high leasing prices in the area. “We were able to strike a deal with them which lowered our monthly lease prices.” Kornfeld said she and her business partner each agreed to give up an appendage, Kornfeld an arm, and partner Kristi Addison a leg. “It was the best way to get a monthly price we could afford,” said Addison. “Now, we are just hoping for the best.”
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Facebook Servers Crash Due to Stapleton “First Day of School” Posts
The social networking company Facebook suffered major embarrassment due to technical difficulty last Wednesday after having servers overload, and putting the site down for just over two hours. “We had a major spike in traffic we simply weren’t prepared for,” said Facebook CIO Tim Campos. “We had an overload that was unexpected, and although we do our best to prepare for the overload, this was pretty unheard of.” Campos says after they fixed the issue, and increased traffic space, they were able to pinpoint the issue. “We always want to improve our service,” said Campos. “And part of that is realizing your mistakes. We were able to pinpoint an unexpected amount of posts and traffic to a residential neighborhood in Denver.”
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58% of Stapleton Acquires Cold After First Week of School
Well, it has begun. We are all back swimming in the giant petri dish of viruses that is school. And with the school year, comes early cold season. In fact, a poll of 2,000 households shows that almost 60% of the neighborhood has contracted some sort of virus in their home. “It’s really frustrating,” said Stapleton parent Katie Schmit. “We basically survive the entire summer without a bug in our house, but after the first week of school, I have two sick kids and parents who have runny noses. Not much you can do about it, but still, a little annoying.” Other families are having the same experience. “We all have sore throats,” said Amanda Madison. “Who knows where it will go next. Hey, maybe it will be the only cold we get all year.”
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Stapleton to Undergo Second Baby Boom After Female Libido Pill Approved
In what is being considered a HUGE victory for Stapleton men, a female libido pill has been approved by the FDA. “The fact that I can basically legally drug my wife into fooling around with me is great,” said Stapleton dad Royce Madison. “I mean, like most Stapleton dads, I’m a pretty average looking dude. But, have you seen my wife? She is smoking hot. She probably regrets not marrying a better looking guy, but here we are. And if she can legally take drugs to be more attracted to me, hey, more for me.”
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Local Dad to Retire Board Shorts
When the neighborhood pools close Labor Day weekend, so will a great chapter in a man’s life. Local dad Liam Gregory announced yesterday via Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and Periscope simultaneously that he will be hanging up the Hurley board shorts and white trucker hat for good. After years standing in knee deep water, pretending to watch his kids, it seems that the time has come to actually interact with his children (Colton and Brody). As with any retirement, the question of a potential comeback has already been asked, to which Gregory replied he “would never rule anything out”, but that he plans to be seen at the pool next summer “clad in solid-color swim trunks like the older dads, with a Coors Light in hand” (as opposed to his traditional retro-chique PBR). “Besides,” he continues, “my tribal arm band tattoo will always remind me of what once was.”
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Stapleton MCA to Require Permits for Door to Door Salesman, Campaigners, and Activists
This summer has seen an influx in people asking for Stapletonians’ money in some regard. Of course there are the roofers, but Stapleton also has an increasing number of activists going door to door asking for money or loitering outside of local businesses looking to get residents to commit money to their cause or sign petitions. “It can actually be kind of annoying,” said resident Todd Wilson. “I just want to go the bar and have a few drinks, but I am accosted by people trying to get me to donate money, sign a petition, etc. Why can’t I just get that stuff in the mail like the old days? It was way easier to ignore.” Other residents agree that the foot traffic of salesman in their neighborhood has increased. “I certainly support activism,” said resident Jess Kornfeld. “I love that people are willing to get involved in things that I am too lazy to. But, it seems like they are ringing your doorbell when either your kids are sleeping, or they are coming by right at dinner time. Just leave some literature on the door.”
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Lorax Speaks Out Against Disappearance of Trees in Stapleton Pocket Park
Over the last month, trees located in the F-15 pocket park have begun disappearing. All that remains is their root system, or a crater of where the tree used to be. It has become a source of urban legend to local residents. “I don’t think we have received an explanation,” said resident Mike Dreesman. “But the trees are slowly disappearing. And I have never seen anyone or anything coming in here to remove them. I would think that would be a pretty big operation, but I haven’t seen anything.” Resident Michelle Fox feels the same way. “Where are they going and who is taking them?” asked Fox. “And why are they taking them? It was nice having that little bit of shade, so, I really miss them. Now there are only a couple of places left to tie your dog while you run around with the kids. Pretty frustrating.”
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Havana St. to Undergo Construction…Again
It was recently announced that the Havana St. exit off of I-70 would undergo construction beginning this week and would not reopen until late this January. Crews will be working to demolish and repair a bridge. The announcement didn’t surprise any Stapleton residents. “You mean, it wasn’t already under construction?” asked resident Adam Hanlon. “That street is always having slows and closures, and if that’s not going on, you get stuck by the train.” Zach Crowley has had a similar experience with Havana. “Whenever I go down there, there seems to be something going on with the lights, or the roads, or the exits. It’s always a mess.”
What’s not yet known is the traffic effect the construction will have on residential Stapleton. “It may end up being good,” said resident Joel Murphy. “I live on Havana, so I wouldn’t mind a little less traffic speeding through to Aurora.” Fulton residents were less excited about the temporary closure. “We already have people using our street as a raceway to Aurora,” said Fulton St. resident Laura Strassburg. “Now, there’s a chance that may double? Not excited about that at all.” It’s too early to know how much the closure will affect outsiders traffic patterns, but Eastbridge residents need to remember to get over and take that Central Park exit or Quebec exit, or you’re going to be super pissed when you get to Havana.
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