{"id":568,"date":"2011-05-22T22:20:52","date_gmt":"2011-05-23T05:20:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/?p=568"},"modified":"2011-05-22T22:20:52","modified_gmt":"2011-05-23T05:20:52","slug":"open-letter-to-guy-considering-brining-bottled-beer-to-pool","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/?p=568","title":{"rendered":"Open Letter to Guy Considering Bringing Bottled Beer to Pool"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>\t\t\t\t<![CDATA[With the pools opening up in two short weeks, the Stapletonion wanted to make an important public service announcement.\u00a0 We all like bottled beer.\u00a0 In fact, when the keg-o-rator at The Stapletonion corporate office runs out, we often fill the void with bottled beer.\u00a0 It\u2019s just fun to drink out of a bottle sometimes.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get us wrong, we like cans, too, but bottled beer can add a touch of class to almost any event.\u00a0 In fact, The Stapletonion has a hard-line pro-bottled beer stance (really we are pro-beer served in any fashion).\u00a0 The only place we do not condone having bottled beers is at the pools in the summer time.\u00a0 Yes, we think a bottle of beer tastes great in the hot mid-afternoon sun, but the risk.\u00a0 Oh, the risk.\u00a0 Let\u2019s walk through this step by step.\nLet\u2019s say you are lucky enough to get the bottled beers by the crack security guards at the pool gate.\u00a0 Then, you sit down and pop open your first bottle.\u00a0 Nice.\u00a0 Very nice.\u00a0 You\u2019re hanging in the lawn.\u00a0 Nothing could go wrong.\u00a0 After two more, you\u2019re getting cocky.\u00a0 Now you\u2019re sitting on the edge of the pool.\u00a0 Cement, bottle\u2019s mortal enemy, all around you.\u00a0 Here\u2019s where things get dicey.\nWe know you played Jr. High Football, and you\u2019re quite the athlete and would never drop a bottle.\u00a0 But wait, the bottle is wet.\u00a0 You get excited when someone with a female voice yells your name.\u00a0 You turn quickly and your arm hits your neighbor sitting next to you.\u00a0 The bottle drops, and before you can catch it, it hits the concrete side of the pool, exploding your precious beer and shards of glass all into the pool.\u00a0 The staff yells, \u201cCODE 9!!\u201d as they scramble to evacuate the pool.\u00a0 You are still sitting there shocked at what has happened.\u00a0 Your neighbor has quickly moved away from you as to not be mistaken for the idiot that ruined pool day when it was 98 degrees outside.\u00a0 The pool will be closed for the next two days because of your selfish a$$.\u00a0 How do you feel now?\u00a0 Not so good.\nThe Stapletonion does have a solution to this problem, however.\u00a0 We at the Stapletonion recognize that sometimes you only have bottled beer in your fridge.\u00a0 Easy fix.\u00a0 Bring that beer over in a cooler along with a plastic cup.\u00a0 Leave your cooler outside of the premises and open a beer, pour it into your plastic cup, and walk inside and enjoy the day.\u00a0 Repeat as necessary.\u00a0 Just don\u2019t be a moron and bring bottles into the pool area.]]>\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\t\t\t\t<![CDATA[]]>\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[108],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-568","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-issue-5","7":"entry"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/568","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=568"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/568\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=568"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=568"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=568"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}