{"id":4156,"date":"2013-10-22T20:57:59","date_gmt":"2013-10-23T03:57:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/?p=4156"},"modified":"2013-10-22T20:57:59","modified_gmt":"2013-10-23T03:57:59","slug":"school-boundary-dispute-triggers-massive-rioting-mayhem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/?p=4156","title":{"rendered":"School Boundary Dispute Triggers Massive Rioting, Mayhem"},"content":{"rendered":"

\t\t\t\t\"\"<\/a>The SUN Education Expo erupted into chaos and mayhem Thursday night, as long-simmering tensions surrounding the planned overhaul of elementary school admissions finally boiled over. Within hours, warring factions of enraged parents had taken to the streets in a pitched battle over educational preferences for their children, and Stapleton appeared to be on the brink of a full-scale civil war.\nCentral Park West residents quickly claimed Stapleton\u2019s high ground by occupying the Airport Control Tower, while Eastbridge residents began building a massive barricade at the site of their nonexistent town center. The barricade appeared to be constructed primarily of discarded toys, barely-used children\u2019s clothes that no longer fit, and old furniture that had been relegated to area basements after Ikea opened in Centennial.\n\nMeanwhile, there were reports that a large mob of Conservatory Green residents, who want equal access to the South Stapleton schools, was advancing on foot toward the Central Park Boulevard Bridge\u2014which is being defended by an even larger mob of South Stapleton residents who don\u2019t want their children shipped across I-70 to High Tech to make room for Conservatory Green kids.\nForest City appealed for calm. Mark Lockie, a spokesman for the developer, pleaded with Eastbridge residents in particular: \u201cLook, seriously, I\u2019m pretty sure we can get you a Whole Foods if you\u2019ll all just calm the f*** down.\u201d\nBut Forest City was also preparing for the worst. Lockie said the developer was boarding up the windows at its headquarters, and barricading all entrances with massive piles of never-read copies of the Stapleton Green Book.\n\u201cIf necessary as a last resort, we will create an impenetrable ring of fire around the building, using Green Books as kindling,\u201d he said. \u201cWe\u2019ve got plenty of them.\u201d\nIn addition, an employee at Dick\u2019s Sporting Goods Park, who spoke on condition of anonymity, revealed that Forest City had asked the stadium to prepare a possible blast of Raffi music that could be heard throughout Stapleton. Military analysts agreed this would be an excellent psychological warfare technique, and would probably end any rioting almost immediately.\nThe disturbance began with a heated argument at Thursday\u2019s expo between a group of Central Park West residents and a group of Eastbridge residents. Witnesses reported that one Eastbridger told a vocal member of the Central Park West group, \u201cI\u2019ll see you in Hell before you limit my kids\u2019 elementary-school options just because you didn\u2019t read the damn rules before buying your stupid house.\u201d A resident of Central Park West retorted that at least his neighborhood was focused on \u201csomething that matters, like our kids\u2019 education, instead of a nonstop town-center bitchfest.\u201d\nBefore long, pushing and shoving began, then punches were thrown and hair pulled. Soon, the violence began spilling out into the streets of this normally tranquil upper-middle-class haven of New Urbanist living. DPS and SUN officials announced that the expo was cancelled, and fled for their lives.\n\u201cWe shall tell our enemies,\u201d one Central Park West resident shouted to the assembled mob as they marched toward the vacant Airport Tower lot, \u201cthat they may take our lives, but they\u2019ll never take OUR SLIGHTLY IMPROVED ODDS OF GETTING OUR KIDS INTO A SCHOOL THAT\u2019S MARGINALLY BETTER THAN THE OTHER GOOD NEARBY SCHOOLS!!!\u201d\n\u201cThe helicopter parents are going to war,\u201d another resident opined. \u201cIt is likely that we go to our doom.\u201d\nPassions were equally high in Eastbridge as residents began building their barricade. \u201cSwigert should have been in OUR neighborhood, but they stole it from us, precious!\u201d one resident was heard to say. \u201cWicked, tricksy, false! We hates DPS, we hates Forest City, and we hates Central Park West, precious! We hates it forever!\u201d\nAs the chaos spread, there was growing concern that loud outbursts could interrupt local toddlers\u2019 naptimes, causing further mayhem. Some even darkly whispered that, if the situation deteriorates badly enough, it might prevent nannies from making it to Stapleton.\n\u201cMy God, this could become a nightmare,\u201d said one local mother.\nThere were also fears of possible looting. Indeed, some Classic Stapleton homeowners (or \u201cNatives,\u201d as they prefer to be known) reported late Thursday that it had already begun, with a number of bikes stolen, garages broken into, and car windows smashed. One commenter on Stapleton Moms, however, speculated that those incidents were probably unrelated to the school-boundary conflict. \u201cSounds like a typical Thursday night,\u201d she wrote.\nEven so, some local businesses were taking precautions. Udi\u2019s Bread Caf\u00e9 issued a statement saying, \u201cWe are closed until further notice due to the ongoing violence, so you crazy white people will have to get your overpriced frou-frou sandwiches somewhere else.\u201d At King Soopers, an employee was seen in the parking lot, painting new arrows on the asphalt — all pointing away from the store. \u201cThis\u2019ll keep the looters away for sure,\u201d he was overheard muttering to himself.\nLockie, the Forest City spokesman, told reporters that, in a worst-case scenario, continued school-boundary-related violence could lead to the unprecedented cancellation of Stapleton Halloween later this month. Economic analysts said the resulting massive falloff in candy sales would likely throw the entire nation into recession. The economic impact could be exacerbated further if the Eastbridge barricade is eventually destroyed, greatly reducing the stock of unwanted crap available for next year\u2019s Community Garage Sale. Global stock markets fell as much as 3% on the news.\nOn a happier note, Lockie said Forest City was delighted to learn that a use has finally been found for the airport tower. \u201cWe congratulate the Central Park West residents on their creativity in that regard,\u201d he said. \u201cBut now will everyone please simmer down, go home and finish putting up your Halloween decorations?\u201d\n]]>\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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