{"id":3060,"date":"2013-01-09T21:47:59","date_gmt":"2013-01-10T04:47:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/?p=3060"},"modified":"2013-01-09T21:47:59","modified_gmt":"2013-01-10T04:47:59","slug":"lack-of-stapleton-chimneys-frustrates-santa","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stapletonion.com\/?p=3060","title":{"rendered":"Lack of Stapleton Chimney\u2019s Frustrates Santa"},"content":{"rendered":"

\t\t\t\t\"\"<\/a>\u201cDown the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.\u201d In the story Twas the Night before Christmas, Santa enters the house through the chimney, and this is the way we have always been told Santa arrives. Centuries ago, this was how jolly old St. Nick delivered all of his presents, but advancements in home heating technology, changes in building codes, and the proliferation of multifamily housing has made gift delivery a logistical nightmare for Claus in recent centuries.\n\u201cI hate new home communities,\u201d Claus said during a presentation at a Christmas industry convention last spring. \u201cIn many places, building codes don\u2019t allow chimneys on new construction homes, so I\u2019ve had to resort to climbing through windows like a common criminal. I miss the days when every house had a chimney and I didn\u2019t have to be an expert at breaking and entering.\u201d\n \nFurther complicating matters, many homes now have security systems, complete with motion detectors and sensors on windows. \u201cWe can get past most home security systems but it puts a dent in our efficiency. We\u2019ve engaged in a world-wide public outreach campaign encouraging parents to disarm their alarms on Christmas Eve, but many aren\u2019t comfortable with that, and we still trip some of the more advanced systems.\u201d As a result, Claus has been forced to enter into a joint venture with Mr. Sandman, who helps ensure that families aren\u2019t awakened by an alarm. \u201cPrior to our partnership with Sandman Enterprises, we recommended that parents not comfortable with disarming their systems take Ambien or drink heavily if at all possible. Needless to say, this was a PR nightmare.\u201d\nIn Stapleton, many older children have begun to wonder how Santa arrives if there\u2019s no chimney. Parents aren\u2019t exactly sure, so they\u2019ve resorted to often ridiculous explanations. Stapleton dad John Johnson explains. \u201cMy son Pete began to question how Santa gets in since we don\u2019t have a chimney but I honestly had no idea what to tell him. Caught off-guard, I blurted out that he managed to squeeze in through a bathroom exhaust fan, but then the kids wanted to move the tree, along with milk and cookies, to our master bathroom. Gross! I gave up and said he uses magic.\u201d\nWhat parents don\u2019t know is that this \u201cmagic\u201d involves the most advanced gift delivery logistics chain in the world, billions of dollars in capital investments, complex joint venture partnerships, and worldwide PR campaigns, all to keep Claus\u2019 customers and investors happy. While changes in housing trends have provided challenges, some technological advancements have helped. \u201cDigitizing our Naughty and Nice lists was a huge boost to productivity and allowed us to decrease labor costs. Yes, some elves were laid off, but we helped most find jobs as Elves on Shelves. They still report to us but now they\u2019re non-unionized, independent contractors, so we\u2019re saving huge amounts from lower wages and decreased benefits.\u201d\nWhile many are unhappy about these elves being “off-poled,” Claus bristles at the notion that he’s turning into Scrooge, caring only about the bottom line. “It’s not about the bottom line, it’s about keeping our customers happy. The business is changing and we all have to adapt. If that means getting the same output from fewer FTEs (Full Time Elves), then they need to change with the times too; find a new career, go be a dentist or something.” ]]>\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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