Stapleton runners and bikers beware. You are facing a new danger. No, not bad Aurora drivers. Off leash dogs? No, you figured out how to avoid those long ago. How about muggers? That’s pretty unlikely. The biggest danger to runners and bikers in Stapleton are mother birds. That’s right, overprotective birds trying to protect their young at all costs. A Stapleton runner explains.
“I was running on MLK,” said runner Gabe McCarville. “Right about where the drive is to get into the rec center, something hit the top of my head. I turned around, and sure enough it was a bird coming back at me for another pass. It was crazy.” McCarville said he at first thought it was a random incident, but he runs the same route often. “It happened to me three more times,” said McCarville. “I’m aware that I could have crossed the street, but I have too much pride to hide from some small bird. I wanted it to come down and fight like a man. However, it’s a bird, so it really only knows bird fighting, and wouldn’t know the first thing about how men fight. Unless it watches Bloodsport, in which case it would have a really good idea of how men fight.”
McCarville’s case was not an isolated incident, as other runners have complained of the bird attack. “I was running along, and this bird just went crazy tweeting at me and flying by me,” said runner Dwight Rastetter. “Something has to be done about these crazy birds.” Biker Tanya Bell agrees. “I was attacked at the same spot,” said Bell. “I meant the bird no harm, but somehow it saw me as a threat. Well, that bird is the threat. A threat to Stapleton.” Concerned residents have met with SUN President Mike Victoria to discuss options for the birds. “I’m not an ornithologist, nor do I have any idea what place birds play in our delicate ecosystem,” said McCarville. “But I think we should kill them all. If they are supposed to be eating mosquitos, they are clearly not doing their job. Even just one Stapletonian in danger is too many.”
“We have formed a committee to look into our options,” said Victoria. “One thing would be allowing runners and bikers to carry firearms to protect themselves from birds,” said Victoria. “Other options would be poisoning the birds, or possibly trapping them and relocating them.” SUN hopes to make a decision within the next two weeks so that runners and bikers can avoid being attacked during the upcoming nice biking and running months.
Editor’s Note: The author of this article was absolutely “attacked” three times in this location, and witnessed a biker crossing the street as they had been attacked as well.
]]>