Issue 19

In a bizarre turn of events, an elf on the shelf in Stapleton informed resident Cindy Patterson that her husband Robert had been cheating on her. The elf, Randy, had been spying on Robert, including listening to his phone calls, looking at text and emails, and even monitoring his online chats. “I’m obviously shocked and disappointed,” said Cindy. “But now I know I can always trust Randy and can take full stock on how good he says the kids have been.” Robert feels betrayed by Randy and says he still can’t believe that Randy sold him out. “I have been the one giving him snacks and treats for years,” says Robert. “I don’t know what I could have done that made him betray me like this.” [Read more…] about Stapleton Elf on Shelf Tells Wife Husband is Cheating on Her

We all know about Santa’s naughty and nice list and its importance when it comes to getting gifts on Christmas. Kids make their best efforts to behave for one year simply so they can get good gifts on Christmas. Each child having their own unique set of requests for gifts. The Stapletonion had a chance to sit down with Santa for a brief interview to ask about Christmas and his thoughts on the children in the Stapleton community. The Stapletonion: “How have Stapleton children behaved in the last year?” Santa Claus: “Overall, I am very impressed with the behavior of the children in Stapleton. I don’t know how that happened, as I am not overly impressed with the behavior of the Stapleton parents.” The Stapletonion: “Is there anything unique that stands out about the kids in Stapleton versus other neighborhoods in the world.” Santa Claus: “Well, as I mentioned, they are better behaved overall, and I would say a large percentage of Stapleton kids are on the nice list, but they are needier than other children. The average child, even in the United States asks for presents with a retail value total of about $186. The average child in Stapleton is requesting about $526 in total gifts. Globally, kids average about $84 in requests.” The Stapletonion: “Is there anything the Stapleton community can do to help accommodate you on your brief trip through Stapleton? Santa Claus: “A lot of times people will leave a beer and cookies, which is great. I will say, chocolate ship is my favorite, and as far as beer goes, I’m a PBR guy. And when it comes to the beer, please leave it on ice, or leave a note saying it is okay to grab one from the fridge. People always leave them out, but by the time I get to a house, a lot of times the beer is warm, and I just end up giving it to the reindeer.” The Stapletonion: “Speaking of reindeer, do you have a favorite?” Santa Claus: “Obviously, I love all of them, but if I had to pick a favorite, I would say Donnor. Just easy-going, and always putting his best effort out there. Rudolf is great, but he hasn’t been the same since we gave him a contract extension.” The Stapletonion: “Thank you so much for your time, and best of success on Christmas.” Santa Claus: “Thank you, and I love your publication.”]]>

In an only slightly controversial move, a Stapleton resident has created a manger scene where there is no baby Jesus, but a baby Tebow. The baby Tebow dons a number 15 Broncos jersey, and the three wise men are all “Tebow-ing” next to the baby. “We still love the baby Jesus,” said resident Steve “Stevie” Schall. “We just feel that this Christmas we have really been blessed with the thoughts of playoffs dancing in our heads.” Schall has not completely given up on Jesus as potentially being the Savior. “Look, we still think it is possible that Jesus is the Chosen One. From what we learn from going to church three times a year, he seems great. But, this is a ‘what have you done for me lately’ world, and Tebow has been there for us.” [Read more…] about Stapleton Manger Scene Replaces Baby Jesus with Baby Tebow

[Read more…] about Northfield Carriage Ride Features Trip Through Historic Borders Parking Lot

After long thought and consideration, the board of regents at SMIS has decided to change its format from an international school to an intergalactic school. “We just felt that we were possibly limiting not only the students we could bring in, but the potential of the current students,” said regent’s member Scott Andreasen. “We want it to be very clear that we are not only the most progressive school in Stapleton, but in all of Denver, and possibly the world.” [Read more…] about Swigert-McAuliffe International School Changes to Intergalactic School

Residents angry about the Central Park Blvd. exchange began posting signs demanding the city “End Road Work.” There has been an undercurrent of complaints since the project began, but as residents have lost their patience, they started posting the signs including their demand. [Read more…] about Protests begin over Lengthy Construction Project

State health officials and Denver Water officials are confirming reports that water may have leaked its way into Sand Creek, a major source of cancer-causing pollutants for Aurora and Northeast Colorado. [Read more…] about Stapleton Resident Reports Presence of Water in Sand Creek

Independent research firm Prestige International conducted a survey of the Stapleton community in 2010 and discovered that 97% of Stapleton children are classified as gifted or otherwise academically advanced. The results of this survey have landed Stapleton the coveted number one spot on the IPE’s (Institute of Private Educators) list of preferred communities. [Read more…] about New Study: Stapleton Has Most Gifted Children Per Capita