Issue 137

Theft is nothing new to Stapleton, and neither is the diversity of the people accused of committing those crimes. Whites, blacks, and Hispanics have at one time all been involved in some sort of caper in the Stapleton neighborhood. More recently, the dead have even gotten into the act. “We came home in the middle of the day to find three skeletons breaking into our house,” said resident Lee Lauterbach. “It was very concerning. I mean, I show respect for the dead. Can’t they show a little respect for me?” The break in was the fourth report of skeletons robbing Stapleton homes in the month of October. “We expect this from people who are alive,” said wife Darcey Lauterbach. “But when the dead start coming into our homes, it’s pretty disconcerting. What next, the undead? Really frustrating.” The Denver Police Department says they are monitoring the situation. “We are aware the dead have been causing some problems in the Stapleton neighborhood,” said Officer Mark Elmore. “We are increasing patrols…again, and are hoping the dead feel our presence and go back to where they came from. Wherever that may be.” Elmore is encouraging residents to be vigilant and make sure they report anything suspicious they see from the dead. “Absolutely call 911 immediately,” said Elmore. “Let us know location. And at the risk of sounding bones-ist, there is no need for giving a description. All skeletons pretty much look the same.” Make no bones about it. The recent rash of skeleton crime is real. The dead are here to stay. ]]>

With the encouragement of the Stapleton Principal HOA, the City of Denver has adjusted an Eastbridge sign to make it clearer where criminals and Aurorans should be headed. “We have had too many gun shots and gun incidences in recent weeks to not make some sort of change,” said Stapleton Principal HOA President Paul Harris. “We feel the new sign is an improvement, especially for criminals and Aurorans who have a hard time reading. The symbol should be helpful.” Eastbridge and Bluff Lake residents are hoping the new signage has a positive effect. “At this point, I think we are willing to try anything,” said Bluff Lake resident Adam Miller. “If we aren’t going to get our wall, we need to keep trying other alternatives.” Eastbridge resident Dana Wolfe is also hopeful the signage will make for some positive changes. “Sometimes little things like this can make big changes,” said Wolfe. “Even it diverges 10% of the crime, it can be a big help.” [Read more…] about New Signage Attempts to Push Crime Where it Belongs: Aurora

Recently, a surprising event occurred on the Eastridge through-street Fulton. A driver on their way home to Aurora not only obeyed the stop signs and drove the speed limit, the driver also had their music on at a reasonable volume. According to eyewitness Eric Barnette, the 1990 something sedan drove on Fulton St obeying the traffic laws, and the music in the vehicle was barely audible. “They went slow enough where I should have been able to hear it more clearly,” said Barnette. “I thought something was strange, as normally cars driving through Stapleton to get to Aurora have the music cranked loud, and many times aren’t obeying the traffic laws. This guy seemed to be aware of his surroundings. It was quite remarkable.” [Read more…] about Aurora Resident Driving Through Stapleton Keeps Music at Reasonable Volume

Stapleton mom Kristi Harves had enough. Her kids live a life most all kids outside of Stapleton would do anything for. They have two loving and attentive parents who dote on them. They have friends in the neighborhood, are involved in extracurricular activities, go on great vacations, have nice clothes and toys, and on and on. Yet, somehow with all of that, they find things to complain about. “It’s really unbelievable,” said Kristi. “They have great lives, but inevitably, they will find something to whine about on a daily basis. Whether it’s wanting peanut butter and jelly instead of spaghetti and meatballs, or maybe they didn’t want to wear a particular outfit, or go hiking. There is always something they are finding to grumble about.” After several talks regarding “little things versus big things” and trying to have the kids think globally and understand how bad other people have it, Harves finally decided to try something new. “Nothing was working,” said Harves. “We would talk about kids in other countries, about homeless people, and yet, they can still get mad if their ski coat isn’t the color they wanted. So, I decided to hit ‘em where it hurts. Their wallets.” [Read more…] about Stapleton Mom Starts “Wine” Jar to Reduce Children’s’ Whining

As expected, the ice cream shop being built in the town center, The Constellation, will be the flagship of the Eastbridge Town Center. The store will come complete with a massive artistic architectural project including a replica wing of the Lockheed Constellation airplane. “It is really going to be a great building,” said designer Dave Reynolds. “The building is really going to ‘top off’ the town center, pun intended.” The design is impressive, if not overwhelming, including the giant wing and a fuselage. The length of the piece extends about 30 feet from The Constellation itself, and is about 20 feet off the ground. “We are paying homage to the history of Stapleton,” said Reynolds. [Read more…] about The Constellation Ice Cream Shop to be Cornerstone of Town Center

The RTD General Manager held a press conference this week announcing the train horn will be blowing possibly until the Eastbridge Town Center is completed. “It has to do with a bunch of safety blah, blah,” said RTD GM Dave Genova. “It’s super complicated, involves federal regulations, the Federal Railway Administration, engineering, and a bunch of other things you non-transport types won’t understand,” said Genova. “We are doing whatever we can, so just be patient and don’t ask questions about things you don’t understand and have no ideas of how to solve it. Thank you.” Stapleton resident Sam Jepsen looks forward to several more months of the train horn. “It just makes me feel like we are living in the city,” said Jepsen. “I love hearing the train horns.” [Read more…] about Feeling Horny? Train Noise Gonna Be Here Awhile

Recently, an odd craze of people dressing up as scary clowns has been sweeping the nation. And when I say sweeping, I mean it’s happening in very small numbers and in random occurrences. But, since coulrophobia (fear of clowns) is real (my sister has it), it seems to be getting much more attention than it should. Idiots seem to be jumping on the clown bandwagon, believing dressing up as a scary clown is not a big deal and no harm can be done. Maybe they’re right. Reports of clowns actually getting in physical altercations with people are extremely low in number, so it’s hardly a matter for homeland security. But, with the exaggerated nature of our 24 hour news cycle, people are now nervous about being attacked by a clown. And as Jules says, “…when I get nervous, I get scared. And when motherf#ckers get scared, that’s when mother#ckers accidentally get shot. But I don’t want that. And you don’t want that.” So, I guess the point is, maybe don’t dress up as a scary clown or encourage others to dress up as scary clowns. By next year, we can put this whole thing behind us and get back to dressing up as scary clowns again. Until then, stay safe, and don’t be a scary clown this Halloween.]]>