Issue 129

Several months ago, a sign was placed on 29th and Central Park Blvd. to remind residents to lock their vehicles and homes. Last week, a similar sign was placed on MLK by the fire station hoping to deter crime in Stapleton. The message was simple: “Thieves, stop breaking N2 cars. We are watching you.” For potential thieves, the sign can be quite foreboding. “If I was a thief and I found out police may be watching me, I guess I would be less likely to commit a crime,” said Stapleton resident Sandy Johnson. “More than anything, I guess it serves as a reminder to the community that we do have a police presence here in Stapleton. So, we’ve got that going for us.” Other residents were not quite as encouraged by the signage. “When I was driving by and read the sign, I laughed so hard I spit my beer out,” said resident Tom Christin. “It was absolutely perfect. Not sure if it will deter any crime here, but it probably gave most residents a good chuckle.” Resident David Clinton agrees. “I’m pretty sure the sign isn’t going to affect crime in any significant way,” said Clinton. “But, it did affect how good of a mood I was in when I was driving home from work every day. Damn, that sign was funny. The only thing I wish is that they would have changed the wording up a little every day. But, probably didn’t want to tamper with comic genius.” Denver Police Chief Robert White says the sometimes comical signs can be helpful. “Signs are continuously reminding people not to do things,” said White. “That’s why we have street signs. You don’t have to obey them, but there’s a chance police are watching you and you will get a ticket. Same concept here. Criminals may ignore the sign, but there is a chance they will get caught.” White says the data has not been fully gathered to determine whether the signs had any effect on crime in the last couple of weeks. “We will tabulate the crimes and calls in the next month which will give us an idea if it served as any deterrent at all,” said White. If so, the DPD says they will continue to use the signs and place them strategically around Stapleton. They have asked for the community’s help in verbiage for the signs. If you have an idea for what the sign should say, please email your idea to The Stapletonion at stapletonion@gmail.com. We will send the best ones off to the DPD, as well as include in one of our issues or post on our Facebook Page. Thank you for your continued support in developing a crime free neighborhood. *Editor’s Note: We were unable to get a picture of the actual sign (yes, a sign like this absolutely existed). If you have one, please send to us. Our photographer has since been fired for his recklessness and inability to get this photo. ]]>

Scott Gerbracht is a parent at Bill Roberts school in Stapleton. He often drives his kids to school, which he would enjoy if it wasn’t for “all the horrible f*cking drivers.” “I can’t believe how bad people are at driving, parking, obeying rules, etc.,” said Gerbracht. “It is unreal. Almost every day I would take my kids to school, and almost every day I would see almost incomprehensible driving.” For that reason, Gerbracht worked with the school and the district to set up a mandatory summer driver’s education program for all parents who have returning or incoming students at Bill Roberts. [Read more…] about Bill Roberts to Require Summer Driver’s Ed For Stapleton Parents

Last Wednesday, an emergency meeting of the Stapleton Community Olympic Committee (SCOC) was held to announce the immediate withdrawal of Stapleton’s bid to host the 2028 Summer Olympic Games. According to SCOC President Dr. Mark Noren, growing concerns over the Zika virus and Brazil’s seeming inability to contain it during this summer’s Olympic games motivated the withdrawal. “This is a very sad day. Stapleton is one of the most competitive communities in all of Colorado and usually wins at everything. Hosting an Olympic games is a goal most definitely aligned with our community’s values.” [Read more…] about Zika Virus Fears End Stapleton 2028 Olympic Bid

Stapleton has long had an issue with petty crime, and growth and access to the Denver community only increases these opportunities for criminals. Although Stapleton has a low rate of violent crimes, there seems to be a high incidence of package theft, bike theft, and other unattended items in open garages. Recently, disturbing news was reported that thieves had stolen milk out of people’s milk boxes. “We called Longmont Dairy to let them know we didn’t receive our milk,” said resident Leah Ross. “They said that we weren’t the only ones in the area reporting that, and said they felt it was probably stolen. Seriously? Who steals milk?” Resident Jenny Hickey was also disturbed to hear the news. “I mean, I can deal with the sound of gun shots, a few packages being taken, but taking people’s food is crossing the line,” said Hickey. “You’re a dick when you take a package, but you’re a complete dick when you take milk. How do those people sleep at night? I guess after drinking some warm milk?” [Read more…] about Thieves Next Big Heist: Shirts Off Stapletonian's Backs

The Greiert family includes three kids with a plethora of sporting activities as well as dance and music activities. These spring programs keep parents Michelle and Jay running around making sure to get kids picked up and dropped off at different days, times and locations. “Spring is definitely crazy for us,” said Michelle. “Baseball is twice a week, soccer is twice a week plus a game on Saturdays, and then there is dance class, piano lessons, and the recitals for those. It makes for a crazy weekly calendar.” [Read more…] about Family Pins Down Spring Schedule Just in Time for Summer

The Stapleton summer puts pool season in full effect. The pools are mostly known for the constant sounds of kids playing in the water and of course, the hot Stapleton moms. Often overshadowed are the Stapleton men, who are constantly scrambling for their identity in the Stapleton community. Pool season gives guys one small chance to stand out and look “manly” at the pools. “During the rest of the year, I am going to work, going to kids events, and rarely get a chance to be out in the Stapleton social scene,” said Stapleton male resident Brendan Rudee. “Even when we are out socializing in the Stapleton community, my smoking hot wife usually overshadows me. So, for at least nine months of the year, I am pretty invisible.” Stapleton dad Chris Westwick also struggles to stand out most of the year. “Maybe we go to small gatherings, or head to the Berk,” said Westwick. “But there really isn’t a chance for me to show off the kind of man I am. I mean, I keep in shape, watch sports, and have a few beers every now and again.” [Read more…] about “Manliest Guy at Pool” Contest Officially Begins

Ethan Palmer isn’t just any eighth grader at Bill Roberts Junior High, he’s the most popular eighth grader at the school. When Ethan talks, other kids listen. “He’s pretty much the fleekest kid in school,” said fellow eighth grader Jackson Asbee. “The guys pretty much do whatever he tells them to do just be a part of his fam, and all the girls want to be his bae. He’s had like, four girlfriends this year and all of them were completely hot. No matter what he does, it’s totally live.” Fellow classmate Abbey Steiner agrees. “Pretty much RT exactly what Jackson said. He’s cool AF,” said Steiner. “He can be salty at times, but for the most part, he’s adorbs.” With the growing teen population in Stapleton, the Stapleton MCA must offer events for this emerging group of kids. One of the first of its kind in Stapleton is the upcoming Teen Night at Runway 35. The event will be held June 18th at the Runway 35 pool in Stapleton from 7PM to 10. The teen blast will have a DJ, a diving board, glow lights, water games, and a sundae bar. Everything a Stapleton parent would be totally fine with. But how will the Stapleton teens take to this first big effort to include them in planned Stapleton events? The Stapletonion was unable to arrange time to text with Ethan as he couldn’t interrupt his already busy texting schedule. He did let us know that “glow lights aren’t all that,” and the hashtag they used “wasn’t fleek. They’re using #teenglow2k16. 2k? That’s so 2000’s.” Ethan said he is still considering going to the party just because his attendance could end up making the party “pretty sik, but I may be headed to some other kick back.” But in the end, Ethan says it’s highly unlikely anyone will be “totally obsessed” with going to the party and the glow lights definitely don’t make it “savage.” In fact, he is predicting it will be “trash.” He stopped short of saying the party would be totally lame, mostly because “no one says lame anymore, Bruh. Get woke, yo. You’re too basic.”]]>