A recent article in Westowrd discusses the “Seven Things that Make Stapleton Residents Really, Really Mad.” The article, written by a disgruntled former Stapleton resident, aims to identify things that anger Stapletonians. Overall, the effort should be considered haphazard at best, only identifying low hanging fruit, which quite frankly, is our job at The Stapletonion. The author comments on the long awaited Eastbridge town center, King Soopers, Stapleton crime, gating the community, and even goes so far as to criticize how we raise our kids.
Of course, there are some egregiously erroneous comments in the article which include the statement, “Children reign supreme in Stapleton, so if you don’t have any, you at least need a complete willingness to smile your way through someone else’s little rugrats constantly getting in your way. (Often literally in your way: Some families encourage their young kids to drive golf carts on public streets, and think this is more adorable than illegal.)” I am sure some parents have allowed their kids to drive the golf cart supervised in a controlled environment, but “encourage their young kids to drive golf carts on public streets,” is way off base. As a reporter, I drive around Stapleton all the time, and don’t recall one occasion where I had to dodge out of the way from a crazed child in a golf cart.
As the author comments on crime, he mentions, “The vehicle break-ins got so bad in 2015 that a sign was temporarily erected on Central Park Boulevard warning people not to leave valuables in their cars and to ‘watch for people that look like they don’t belong.’” I don’t remember any sign with that verbiage, but I do remember this sign. The author may have wanted to read that sentence aloud before publishing its ridiculousness. He does mention his car was vandalized twice while he was living in Stapleton, but my guess is those particular incidences were person-specific.
Overall, the article doesn’t offend me as a Stapletonian, it offends me as a comedian. Stapleton’s number one news source, The Stapletonion, wanted to rectify the Westword’s inaccurate list of Stapleton fears by publishing the accurate list of our five greatest fears.
- Non-hot moms moving to Stapleton. Stapleton is probably the hot mom capital of the world, boasting a 98.4% hot mom percentage, unofficially higher than any other area this dense on the planet. As Stapleton grows, however, the odds increase that more non-hot moms may move into the Stapleton community. Some forecasters project the “hot mom index” may dip to as low as 95%. God help us.
- Stress of where to eat, drink, and socialize becoming too much to bear. Stapleton already has some nice dining options and watering holes. And soon, several more will be coming in with the Stanley Project, Eastbridge Town Center, and Punch Bowl Social at the tower. Residents already have difficulty deciding where to take the kids to eat and where to meet friends at happy hour. Now, with a plethora of great options, residents feel the stress may be overwhelming.
- Loss of excuses to not leave Stapleton. People love staying in the hood. And why not? But, there is a whole other city out there, and now Stapletonians can easily and cheaply explore it with the FasTracks RTD project which will bring Stapletoians from Stapleton to the heart of the city in 12 minutes. The project will also get us to the airport in 12 minutes, so I guess we need to start planning some out-of-Stapleton adventures.
- Too many good schools to choose from. This is always a stressful time of year for parents as they have to make hard decisions on where they want their children to attend school. In many parts of the country, there is no choice; you simply attend the school close by. In other areas of the country, there are limited options when it comes to quality schools, so getting into your school of choice is less likely, as everyone works to enter that one school. In other cases, people pay thousands of dollars a year so their kids can attend private schools. Here in Stapleton, there are over half a dozen quality elementary schools, almost the same number of great junior highs, and now a new high school. These options make it difficult for parents to choose which school to enroll their children into. However, people don’t always get their first choice. But, that second choice is usually pretty damn good.
- Too many people wanting to move here. With all of the great things going on in Stapleton, lots of people want to live here. That can cause two problems. One, Forest City continues to grow Stapleton beyond its original planned boundaries, lessening the current community-feel and watering down the community’s original concept. Two, home values continue to increase, making it seem as if Stapletonians are wealthy snobs, when in fact, most residents are simply hard-working, upper-middle income people who wanted good opportunities for their children, and also wanted to be a part of all the great things the City of Denver can offer.
Following a recent meeting about the expansion plans of McAuliffe Middle School on the Smiley campus, members of the loosely organized Park Hill Militia (PHM) began an occupation of the Smiley building in order to “reclaim our school,” according to PHM spokesperson Ammon Harney.
PHM had planted several followers at the meeting who were able to disrupt a formal presentation about McAuliffe’s expansion plans with repeated expressions of disgruntlement regarding having to share the middle school with residents of nearby Stapleton. However, McAuliffe principal Peter Ackman, with his signature calm demeanor, handled the many irrelevant questions with aplomb, pointing out, for example, that 82% of Park Hill residents had opted out of the neighborhood middle school when it had been exclusively theirs. After the near capacity crowd in the Smiley auditorium applauded Mr. Ackman’s fourth successful foil of PHM’s cantankerous campaign to take over the expansion meeting with their own agenda, militia members became determined to take action. Arriving the next morning, armed with an array of weapons that included ski poles, pinata bats, and nerf guns, the protesters blocked all entrances to the Smiley building with Priuses as they loaded in cases of Door-to-Door Organic produce boxes.
The long Holiday break is great for families to get a chance to spend time together, travel, and to see family and friends. During breaks, parents are also much more lenient when it comes to keeping kids on a schedule, in particular when it comes to bed times. “We always let the kids stay up later than usual,” said Stapleton mom Barbara Halpin. “Let them have fun with siblings, cousins, friends, or whatever. They have friends, family, and new toys. I let them enjoy them.” The problem most parents end up having to deal with is kids start getting up later and later each morning. “We got into a pattern where our kids were not up until 10, and not out of their pajamas until one,” said Halpin. Halpin is not alone. “We basically ended up doing brunch for two and a half weeks because the kids weren’t even ready to eat until eleven,” said Kari Southall. “Probably because they weren’t eating dinner until nine o’clock.”
The 
Stapleton dad Adam Retzlaff has two children, a five year old girl and a three year old boy. The family is no different than any other family with two young kids. There is a long process to get them both to bed, and even after that, they know things are just beginning. “I have to lay with my son until he falls asleep,” says Retzlaff. “Then, I finish some work, or do some picking up around the house and head to bed. But, I always know my night’s not over. Not by a long shot.”
Stapleton residents have been clamoring for a 
The popular skin care product line Rodan and Fields has been around for almost 15 years, and has thousands of independent consultants all over the country. The products promise to help clients to help slow aging, hide unsightly skin discolorations, and help women with make-up prep. Overall, the products get fairly positive reviews from clients. Rodan and Fields originally launched on QVC, but now is focused primarily on multi-level marketing from independent consultants.
Multi-level marketing is not new to Stapletpon, as several residents have sold diet supplements, food plans, make-up kits, etc. What makes Rodan + Fields unique in Stapleton is simply the large number of independent sales consultants selling the products. “It seems like everyone is selling Rodan and Fields products,” says resident Alli Harris. “It’s kind of annoying because it’s really hard to avoid. I think at least two people in Stapleton approach me each week about getting into selling Rodan and Fields. I appreciate what they are doing, but it just gets to be a little much.” Amy Zarfis, a Rodan and Fields independent consultant says she just wants what’s best for her clients. “I know what these amazing products can do,” said Zarifis. “I have seen the results, and I want all of my friends, and their friends, and their friends to get the results me and my clients have seen.” For more information on Rodan and Fields products, contact any one of your neighbors.
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