Issue 119

Stapleton residents have long been hoping for additional security in Stapleton, and much of what they want is simply keeping Aurora residents out. “I’m not saying I want a gated community,” says resident Aaron Lane. “I just want a community where only people who live here can enter and exit. I don’t like all of the in and out of those who aren’t Stapleton residents.” Many members have asked SUN and the MCA to do something about visitors from the outside, but nothing has changed. “This problem isn’t new,” said resident Kevin Ditchman. “We have been pulling for some sort of security for a long time, but nothing has changed. So, a lot of us took it upon ourselves this week to do what we could.” Through social media, residents banded together to make connections with private snowplow companies and used their own shovels to block off several of the through streets in Stapleton with giant snow mounds. Many of the mounds reach 10 feet high and are 15 feet thick. “We know it’s not going to last,” said Ditchman. “But, if anything, it sends a message. And maybe it can even slow down crime for a little bit. Maybe it will change their traffic patterns and they will drive around Stapleton like the old days.” Resident Geoff Plakke says it shows the community is united on the issue. “If we as a community are willing to do something on our own, we should get the support of the MCA, SUN, and the City of Denver,” said Plakke. MCA President Liza Kampstra says the MCA does not condone community members altering city streets. “There is a right way to do things, and this isn’t it,” said Kampstra. “This is not how we get the City of Denver and the City of Aurora to work together.” In fact, several residents are extremely annoyed with the wall. “Aside from the fact that it is highly illegal, it is also really annoying,” said resident Stacey Melton. “People from Stapleton take that route all the time to get to places across the border. So, inconveniencing hundreds of Stapleton residents just isn’t the answer.” For now, the City of Denver says it will let the issue run its course. “We aren’t going to deploy snowplows to remove the walls at this time,” said City Maintenance Spokesperson Brian Kleese. “We aren’t going to waste our funding on something this petty. It doesn’t completely disrupt traffic, so we won’t make any changes at this time.” It is unclear if Stapleton residents will use a snow blockade in the future. “Hopefully this gets the point across,” said Ditchman. “And maybe the next wall will be made of a slightly harder material than snow.” Snow or no snow, it seems Stapleton will continue to give Aurora the cold shoulder.]]>

As a community, Stapleton has an unusually large number of door to door salesman and petitioners. From solar panels to roofing and from political parties to social agendas, there is a fairly constant stream of people knocking on Stapleton doors. The most recent wave of salesman appears to be cashing in on Stapletonians fears from the recent crime wave. “We recently purchased some window bars from Best Windows, Bar None,” said resident John Gibbons. “It just seemed to make sense. I mean, I know they won’t stop gun shots, but they will at least stop someone from climbing into a window right into our home.” Gibbons says he purchased a decorative style as to not upset the neighbors. “Window bars are a personal choice,” said Gibbons. “But you don’t want it to stand out. You want it to blend somewhat in with your home. I think what we choose absolutely says ‘Infinity.’” [Read more…] about ‘Window Security Bar’ Door to Door Salesmen Invade Stapleton

In the rarest of circumstances, Stapleton mom Shannon Skaggs, who normally is running a bit behind, is running completely on schedule. “I really can’t believe this,” said Skaggs. “I don’t ever recall not feeling rushed or harried. I’m pretty comfortable right now.” Skaggs said she had several small tasks to accomplish around the house, as well as get the kids to school, go to the grocery store, and of course go to yoga. But amidst all of that, Skaggs says she is actually ahead of schedule. “I’m not really sure what I did differently. I certainly need to look into it, because it is a pretty good feeling.” Skaggs says typically she is sprinting out the door while yelling at the kids as she runs in and out of the house to grab backpacks, lunches, and other miscellaneous items. “It gets pretty crazy in the mornings,” Said Skaggs. “Then I always realize there is some other thing I am supposed to do, whether it be helping at school, bringing an extra snack for the class, sending something out for the soccer team, it’s always something. So, typically, stress levels are high from about seven in the morning until about 5:30 at night.” Somehow, on this day, things worked out perfectly for Skaggs. “I’m more at peace than I’ve been in two years. Now I just need to figure out what went differently and how I can duplicate it.” ]]>

The Reisetter family has lived in Stapleton for almost a decade now. They are raising two young kids and have grown to love the community, and have made several good friends in the neighborhood. “There’s just so much to like about living here,” said Sean Reisetter. “There are plenty of things to do, and with the kids having friends here and us having friends here, we really don’t need to leave that much.” Reisetter points out that although things are pretty easy here in Stapleton, things are about to get even easier. “The Quebec King Soopers isn’t ideal,” says Reisetter, “but it’s still serviceable. And pretty soon we’ll have another one in the Eastbridge Town Center. Plus the town center will have lots of other exciting businesses as will the Stanley project. So, at some point you just have to ask yourself, ‘do I really want to leave the neighborhood today?’” [Read more…] about Couple Irritated About Having to Leave Stapleton for Dinner Party

A vast majority of Stapleton residents have young kids, and with kids, comes messes. Nothing can stop them. We all start off with rules regarding where they can color, paint, play with play dough, and other crafts, but over time, the kids wear us down and win out. It’s the same thing with food. First, it’s only eating at the dining table, then the ottoman, and pretty soon, it’s just, “try to eat over your plate.” Families try to clean up the messes, or hire people to clean them up, but the mess force that is children seems to be an unstoppable force. “I feel like I’m constantly sweeping or vacuuming,” said Stapleton mom Lesley Fogdall. “Or wiping things off, or scrubbing things, and we have house cleaners come once every week. It is just exhausting.” In fact, most kids are so messy, parents refuse to purchase new furniture until their kids are out of the house. “What would be the point,” said resident Jason Starbeck. “They would just ruin that as soon as we got it. It’d be like throwing money directly into the garbage. We already waste enough money on these kids, we don’t want to give them the satisfaction of destroying one more valuable thing in this house.” So, most Stapleton residents move on with their days pretending not to notice the almost incomprehensible inadequacies of their furniture. [Read more…] about Cracks of Stapleton Family’s Couch Probably “Grossest Thing Ever”

In an unfortunate incident sure to emotionally scar seven year old Stapleton girl Alexis Miller, Miller found out through her mom’s iPhone that Santa is not real. “I always let her play with my phone to keep her busy when we are out eating, or if I’m driving, or busy at home,” said Alexis’ mom Kate. “She has seen me use the Siri function before, but I never thought she knew how to get to it, or would ever ask such a damning question. But, she did, and I guess I have to deal with it from here.” Apparently, Alexis specifically asked Siri if Santa was real. According to Kate, Siri said, “no, Santa is not real. However, global warming is.” Kate thought the comments from Siri were meant to soften the blow. “I don’t think Siri is programmed to lie, so it tried to throw some random misdirection in there. Unfortunately, it didn’t take.” [Read more…] about Siri Tells Stapleton Child Santa Claus Isn’t Real

Some call it the “Irish goodbye” others call it “ghosting,” and some call it the “French exit.” But no matter what you call it, for some reason, the terminology carries a negative connotation. These terms all refer to leaving a party without saying goodbye to people, or essentially sneaking out of a party or gathering. Personally, I feel this is the only way to go. This is especially true when attending Stapleton Holiday or New Year’s parties. Here’s why:

1. If it’s officially a party (not just a gathering of close friends), there will definitely be people there you either don’t know or don’t like. You may have already had to talk to these people, which is unfortunate. To avoid speaking with them again when you want to go, just leave. You hated the first conversation with them, why be “cordial” and have another bullshit conversation? What were you going to say to them, anyway? “Great to see you for the first time since last year’s party.” “Sorry to hear your drive to work can take a while.” Cut your losses at the first conversation, and disappear.
2. Trust me. You’re not that important. Really, no one cares if you leave. No one cares why you have to go (babysitter, work project, going to the game tomorrow, etc.). Nobody cares. So, don’t make a big spectacle of your departure. If it’s important to get your, “look everybody, it’s me,” moment, do it at your arrival. Walk in like the life of the party. But don’t demand the attention of others just to let them know you no longer will be enjoying their company.
3. The final reason is very personal to me. We’ve all been at a party, finally finding that comfortable corner of friends talking about things we like to talk about, when suddenly the “goodbyer” invades. “Hey, fellas/ladies, I’m heading out, great to see you, hope to see you soon…” Well, they just broke up your good time corner. We all forgot what we were talking about, or the rude goodbye made others feel like they could walk over and jump into our circle of fun. Now, some of our crew is splitting up, getting another drink, or whatever. The fun circle is over, probably for the night. Now, it’s time for me to ghost. The goodbyer just squashed the only hour of fun I was potentially going to have. Like jinxing a no-hitter. Don’t be the guy that ruins a no-hitter. Just leave, and let the rest of us carry on with our good time, you selfish, arrogant prick.

So, when attending any large gathering in the hood, you shouldn’t feel obligated to say goodbye. You should feel obligated to not say goodbye. May the ghost be with you. ]]>