Issue 8

The Stapleton MCA knocked the ball out of the park last weekend when they opted to go with the unedited version of Pulp Fiction, pleasing parents and kids alike.  “At first I thought it was going to be sh*tty,” said nine year old Abby Gates.  “But after 10 minutes, I thought it was f%ck@ng awesome!”  Surprisingly, kids were able to understand the dry and witty humor of Terrantino’s cult classic. “I really liked the part when he said to the guy, ‘Say, when.  Say when again mother f&ck#r, I dare you, I double dare you mother f*ck#r.’ Then he shot him.  I about p$ssed my pants,” said Gates. Parents admitted they were a little shocked by the language they allowed to go unedited in the film.  “I always loved the film, so I thought it would be neat to have the kids see it,” said Mike Hodges.  “I forgot how much swearing was in it.  At first, I was disappointed they were showing all the swearing, but honestly, without the swearing, the movie is not near as good.  I didn’t want the kids to miss out on that.” Early in the movie, there were a lot of uncomfortable stares between kids and parents, but as the movie went on, tensions eased and families laughed together.  “Sure, they were kind of confused during the scene with “the gimp,” but they didn’t completely understand the original Star Wars either,” says Hodges. The MCA was at first apologetic, but admitted that the flood gates are open now.  “It was not like what we remembered from watching it in college,” says President Kampstra.  “As we heard more and more laughs, we knew we were on to something and will continue to show these classics.” In the next two months, the MCA plans to show Animal House, Blazing Saddles, The Jerk, Airplane, Slapshot, and the first hour of Full Metal Jacket.  Bring your beer, your blanket, your sense of humor, and definitely don’t forget the kids.  ]]>

Sprinkled throughout the well-planned Forrest City neighborhood of Stapleton, you will find several motor homes and RVs.  At first glance you may assume that these are the vehicles of visitors from out of town.  You may even think your neighbor is planning to retire early and drive cross-country exploring our great nation, ala Sarah Palin.  But these scenarios are rarely the case.  “I purchased my motor home in 2008 when the economy went bad,” says motor home owner and Stapleton resident Steven Thill.  “I figured if they take my house, I will grab everything I have, throw it in the motor home, and will continue to live in this great community.” [Read more…] about Residents Make Contingency Plan in Case of Foreclosure

In an announcement that will shake 2 and 3 year olds to their core, the popular children entertainers ‘The Wiggles’ have abruptly cancelled a planned outdoor concert performance at the Stapleton Town Center.  Originally slated for Saturday, July 23^rd, at 1:00 PM, a specific reason for the cancellation was not given.  However, during a surprisingly impromptu statement issued by the usually silent Wiggles cast member, “Wags the Dog” outside a San Antonio Hooters location, the popular K-9 character finally broke his silence. “These guys have been perpetually pushing the envelope for so long, it’s finally caught up with them – just look at ‘em.  They’re a collective (expletive) train-wreck,” added Wags.  “You don’t honestly think they could display that level of energy and enthusiasm day in, day out, without a few ‘Mother’s Little Helpers’ do you?” [Read more…] about Wiggles Cancel July Town Center Performance Amid Substance Abuse Rumors

Neighbors in Stapleton’s Southend aren’t sleeping any easier after hearing about a Caucasian man seen walking a white Labordoodle along the greenbelt last week.  The man was reportedly seen walking the allergy- friendly pooch at 6PM last Thursday near the skate park. “Something just didn’t seem right about it,” reported Southend resident and block captain, Dana McAlister, who saw the man and his non-shedding canine while she was removing flyers from her front door.  “It was dinner time for one and kind of hot, so I thought, ‘that’s kind of weird.’” [Read more…] about Southenders on High Alert After Spotting White Guy Walking Dog

In an effort to make Stapleton moms less self conscious and nannies less “creeped out,” the Stapleton MCA has agreed to turn one of its pools (YTD) into a “nanny-only” pool.  The pool has received extremely mixed feedback, albeit consistent within groups.  For example, Stapleton moms and nannies are very excited about the new pool.  “I think it’s great,” says Stapleton mom Delicia Speaker.  “There are so many nannies, that it makes sense to have a pool just for them.  It is not about us moms.  We just really care about the nannies.”  Nannies are on the side of the moms.  “I am excited,” says Heidi Andreasen.  “It will be nice to go to the pool without getting stared at by all those really creepy old guys.  I mean, the other day, this dad that was like 36 said hi to me.  Ewwww!” [Read more…] about Stapleton MCA to Open “Nanny Only” Pool

Stapleton residents have become so desperate for a Havana Town Center, they are now ecstatic about the announcement of a 711 convenient store moving in farther down the road on Havana.  “I was psyched it wasn’t a King Soopers,” said resident Ben Raiklin.  “This is so huge.  I will happily pay the extra 30% to not have to drive two miles to King Soopers.”  Other residents, such as Tom Brennan, are psyched about the unique product offerings of 711.  “Usually, I have to drive an extra couple miles to get my big gulp.  Now, I just head down the road and grab one for myself and then some Slurpees for the kids.” [Read more…] about Thank Heaven! 711!

This may be bad timing considering we just celebrated our great nation’s independence, and I am writing an article that goes directly in the face of the constitution’s 2nd amendment.  However, as an editor of a major publication, it is my responsibility to do what I think is right and mobilize the masses. [Read more…] about Letter from the Editor: Help Put an End to High-Powered Squirt Guns at Stapleton Pools