Issue 73

Everyone in Stapleton understands they are taxed at a higher rate than any other neighborhood in Denver. Some choose to accept it, others choose to ignore it, and everyone else chooses to complain about it. Complaining might not be that useful, unless you actually know what you are complaining about. Do you know why Stapleton residents are taxed more? Do you know where that money goes? Do you know how long that “extra tax” will be in place? These are the questions people need to be asking before making loud complaints. The Stapletonion approached the Treasury Division of the City and County of Denver to get answers to these questions. The reason Stapleton residents see a higher tax is due to the Stapleton Special District Tax, which increases many residents’ tax bill about 40% compared to anywhere else in Denver. To some people, having the word “special” next to Stapleton is all they need to hear. “I’m totally fine with our higher taxes,” says resident David Erickson. “We are special, and with that, sometimes there is a higher price to pay.” Others see it as a tricky way to simply take advantage of residents. “So, I pay taxes to help the City and County of Denver,” stated Nancy Dunlay. “But, since I live in a particular neighborhood in Denver, I have to pay a huge additional tax to help that neighborhood thrive? They are doing a lot of great things in the Highlands. I am guessing that is my tax dollars at work as well. Shouldn’t every neighborhood pay for their own upkeep and improvements?” After getting passed the name of the tax, The Stapletonion looked into where the SSDT money goes. What we found ranged from the obvious to the bizarre. You can see from the bullets below that 8% of the tax goes towards Starbucks coffee for the Stapleton firefighters, and another 4% goes to security for the Nantucket Close. For a complete list of where your extra Stapleton tax dollars are going, see below:

Control Tower Fund = 23%

Pool Fund = 17%

Prairie Dog Killing Fund = 11%

Pocket Parks Fund = 10%

Starbucks Coffee for Stapleton Firefighters Fund = 8%

Maintaining Aurora Buffer Zone = 8%

Stapleton Only Light Rail Fund = 6%

Jail Improvement Fund = 5%

Nantucket Close Security Fund = 4%

Extra Stop Sign Fund = 3%

Chalk/Graffiti Cleanup Fund = 3%

Sand Creek Remediation Fund = 1%

Stapleton Art Fund = 1%

Affordable Housing Fund = 0%

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Back in 2002, when George W. Bush was president, we were still searching for Bin Laden, and the Patriots beat the Rams in the Super Bowl, a pioneering family took advantage of the Stapleton land rush. “The city was looking to expand, and wanted to do so before Aurora claimed the concrete infested former airport,” said 86 year old former Deputy Mayor Hans Schmit. “So, we essentially offered free titles to anyone who was willing to move out into the barren wasteland. And, really that is how Stapleton started.” [Read more…] about Looking Back: The 2002 Stapleton Land Rush

Stapleton is home to hundreds of extraordinarily gifted children, mostly according to their parents. From genius two year olds, to nine-year old concert ready pianists, Stapleton has a high percentage of special children. Justin Becker is one of these children. Justin is just like any other seven year old in Stapleton. He enjoys video games, playing with friends, and watching movies. But, what makes Justin unique, are his athletic gifts. [Read more…] about Stapleton Family Moves to Colorado Springs to Better Challenge Athletically Gifted Child

The Front Porch recently included an article discussing the dangerous effects of THC in marijuana, and that it will continually be more important to discuss these dangers with kids as marijuana continues to become more socially acceptable. The challenge is selecting when you should discuss it with your children and how it should be discussed. [Read more…] about Expert to Parents: “Much Easier to Talk to Kids About Marijuana if You’re High”

Stapleton resident and Bronco fan Josh Gibbs is having a hard time adjusting to reality. Not just the reality that his Broncos were defeated in the Super Bowl, but the reality that he has an entire family living with him that he must now learn to interact with. “You know, I have kind of been out of it for the last five months,” said Gibbs. “Between going to work and looking up Bronco stats on the internet and coming home and watching ESPN News and the NFL Network, I haven’t had a lot of time to speak to my family.” [Read more…] about Stapleton Bronco Fan Forced to Pay Attention to Family Now that Football Season is Over

In ‘honor’ of the stupidest and most pointless holiday ever, The Stapletonion would like the help of Stapletonians. To completely disrespect this Hallmark holiday, we would like people to view Valentine’s Day as a chance to air your grievances, as opposed to being forced to be oversentimental. So, instead of feeling pressured to make up ridiculous Facebook posts such as, “Happy Valentine’s Day to the greatest husband in the world. You are the greatest man in the world and my best friend. I love you,” you can think of things that really annoy you about your spouse, and send to us or post on our Facebook site. We will post (ANONYMOUSLY) the best grievances in the February 19th issue of The Stapletonion (Issue 74). Here are the rules.

• You must currently be married to the individual. No remarks from bitter divorcees.
• Nothing sexual in nature
• Nothing too personal (i.e. my husband is fat, my wife is a horrible cook and doesn’t know it, etc.)
• It must actually bother you

The biggest thing is to just keep it simple. Some examples include: not unloading the dishwasher, leaving laundry in the washer/dryer for days, not changing the lint screen, not changing the empty roll of toilet paper, etc. So, Happy Valentine’s Day, and send us the things that really piss you off about your spouse! ]]>