Issue 7

Flash Mob Interrupts Otherwise Successful Farmer’s Market

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Sunday, June 19th, the Stapleton Farmer’s Market opened up on the green. The market gives residents a chance to shop for organic vegetables, pet treats, salsa, and even top meat cuts (The Stapletonion highly recommends Blue Horseshoe steaks & burgers — www.bhcattle.com.  It is also fun to simply walk around, let the kids play, enjoy the weather and talk with friends. Opening day was going great with tremendous vendors, great weather, and overall good times. At approximately 10:45AM, all that changed, with the simple snap of fingers.  “I remember seeing two people walking towards each other, snapping,” said resident Kristen Battenfield.  “It was pretty stupid looking.”  Things got worse for the farmers market when suddenly “Dancin’ in the Streets” by David Bowie and Mick Jagger began playing loudly.  “Immediately, the green was filled with all these people,” said Battenfield.  “The dance, as expected, was rudimentary. People left during the ‘performance’ and I am sure the local businesses weren’t happy.” Many businesses were disappointed with the timing of the event.  “I don’t know why the flash mobsters decided to ruin opening weekend,” said salsa salesman Nick Dinnebier. “Most of the business owners have already talked with the police, and the police said they will arrest any future flash mobsters at the market.”  Although no one was directly hurt by the flash mobsters, there is no way to evaluate the psychological impact.  “I wish flash mobsters would at least think about the kids,” says Battenfield.  “There were at least a dozen kids crying, trying to cover their eyes and ears.”  Market-goers are asked to immediately report any suspicious behavior and keep a close eye on those that do not appear to look like Stapleton residents.  ]]>

Preschool "Re-Education Chamber" Under Construction

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Construction on a new neighborhood preschool began over the past few months and many Stapleton residents have been confounded by the new silo at its front door. Stapleton resident Colleen Lawruk tells the Stapletonion, “My daughter will be starting preschool school in the fall and we were very excited that there might be a farm at the site. My son loves pigs so we are hoping some interaction with farm animals was built into the curriculum.” But upon further investigation, the Stapletonion has discovered from the preschool’s headmistress, Lisa Bartness, that the silo will serve as a “time out” room for children who act out. She explains, “we plan to fill the silo with “time out” appropriate games and let the children reflect upon their poor behavior. We think that it will work perfectly because there are no corners in the room which will have a psychological effect on the kids to help deter them from misbehaving in the future.”  [Read more…] about Preschool "Re-Education Chamber" Under Construction

Old Block Captain Surveys Damage Done by New Block Captain

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Former Block Captain Amanda Baldwin returned to Stapleton this week to look at the ruins she used to call home.  “It’s as if the current block captain hasn’t done anything except forward emails,” says Baldwin who had moved from Stapleton less than a year ago. Her legacy still lives in the community and on her former block.  “The new block captain is a nice person, but they lack the leadership and heart that Amanda does,” mentioned a block resident on the condition of anonymity. [Read more…] about Old Block Captain Surveys Damage Done by New Block Captain

Reminder: Election Over, Residents Can Take Down Yard Signs

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Congratulations to all of you who voted. Voting is a civic duty that every non-felon, 18-year old should exercise. Whether you vote for politicians that don’t know who Paul Revere is, or those who twitter their twitters, we at the Stapletonion support you.  Thanks for voting. Many people support their candidates by going door to door, contributing money, arranging public speaking, and even putting up yard signs. Yard signs are a great way to let people know where you stand, and in some cases, that you’re not racist. But it is time to take them down. Hopefully, the eight months you had a yard sign up representing a minority candidate was enough to convince your friends and neighbors that, “you don’t even see color.”  We appreciate that. But the fact remains that the election is over, and your advertisement for your candidate doesn’t even help the candidate. It does make it appear as if you are not aware the election is over, and also desecrates your yard. Have you seen any “Go Packers!  Beat the Steelers!” signs in yards? Probably not, as the Super Bowl has been over for 4 months. Feel free to store your sign in the basement in case your candidate decides to run for re-election, but take it down today. We do not want a repeat of the ’08 election where Caucasian Obama supporters kept their signs up for 16 months after the election. Again, thank you for getting involved in the election process.    ]]>