Issue 63

Commerce City. Unfortunately for Commerce City, a loud Dave Matthews concert has given them the unneeded ire of the Stapleton community. “Think of communities as neighbors on a street,” said Stapleton resident Dave Seery. “Stapleton is the nice family living in the nice home. They are polite to their neighbors, but everyone knows they think they are better than everyone else. Aurora is the shady guy renting the two bedroom apartment next door. No one really trusts him, and he keeps weird hours. When the cops come to his house, he knows it’s because ‘Stapleton’ called them on him.” Seery believes Stapleton’s tough relationship with Aurora has allowed Commerce City to go almost unnoticed. “Commerce City is the guy renting on the other side of Stapleton,” said Seery. He is always really friendly and non-threatening, but Stapleton is pretty sure Commerce City does drugs. Stapleton ignores Commerce City’s silly antics, understanding nothing they do is going to hurt anyone. Then, Commerce City decides to start having loud, late night parties. This strains the relationship. Stapleton stops saying hi to Commerce City, and eventually calls the police on them during one of their late night gatherings. The relationship will never be the same.” Dick’s Sporting Goods Park hosted the Dave Matthews Band on August 23rd and 24th. Apparently, the noise from the park was quite disturbing. “Pictures on my wall were shaking,” said resident Tom Beatty. “Now, I like the Dave Matthews Band, and I like music, but I think that the noise was a little out of line.” Some residents reportedly called the police, but the police were unable to shut down the concert and arrest Dave Matthews as the residents had requested. The SUN Board will be discussing the issue to look for potential solutions with Commerce City and Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. More than likely, the only major change will be Commerce City getting discussed more and more. Hey, Aurora, maybe someday we’ll forget all about you. Editor’s Note: You should not have to be reminded that you don’t call 911 to complain about loud music. ]]>

DPS along with the Stapleton Search Committee completed a three month local search for a candidate to become the Principal at the new Stapleton High School. According to reports, DPS was looking for a candidate who met the following qualifications: forward-thinking approach, understanding of the community, desire to partner with parents, and ability to lead a strong team of educators. After the intensive search, DPS was unable to find a candidate that would be able to lead the new high school in the top-notch Stapleton Community. [Read more…] about DPS Intensifies Stapleton HS Principal Search After Realizing Local Candidates All Suck

Recently, the City of Denver and traffic engineers met to look at some possible solutions to the traffic issues on Quebec St. Anyone who has accidentally taken Quebec and thought they were going to cross over Colfax between the hours of 2PM and 6PM knows what a mess this can be. Drivers and residents in the area looked to the city for solutions. [Read more…] about Quebec Street: The Ultimate Quagmire

Erin Logan was walking along the trail on 29th St. when she saw an RTD bus heading her way on the street. She quickly ducked behind a tree in case the driver lost control of the vehicle. The bus continued on its way without hitting her, and made its passenger pickup on 29th. Luckily, there was no incident. This time. “I am okay, and no one was hurt,” said Logan. “Yeah, I was a bit lucky, so I am going to make sure I check the bus schedule and just avoid being on 29th Street during those times.” [Read more…] about RTD Bus in Stapleton Almost Causes Issue

A recent study reveals that over half of Stapleton women communicate with their husbands almost exclusively using questions, or interrogative statements used to test knowledge. “We are studying the communication habits of married couples,” said research director Brian Crowley. “The Stapleton community has a dense population of married couples in the age range we wanted to look at (35-50), so we interviewed about 1,000 couples in Stapleton. We were able to learn a lot about communication habits.” [Read more…] about Study: 62% of Stapleton Women Speak to Husbands only Using Questions

“We will be out here until we know the truth–this is just not Stapleton,” said one of a small group of passionate protestors picketing the home of a new Eastbridge resident. Support is mounting against the new resident’s lifestyle since Wednesday morning when a neighbor sporting a welcome basket was able to enter the home. “There is no evidence that this woman has any dogs at all, not one.” A second story neighbor had alerted the Stapleton Master Community Association earlier this month that there were “no piles of dog crap whatsoever” in the new resident’s rear yard. “Let’s not vilify this poor woman until we know the facts,” said Stapleton resident and community association officer Chris Mason. “There have always been dogs, there will always be dogs, and it’s very possible there is a dog in there somewhere. I know we are all optimistic.” The investigation is ongoing, but an undisclosed source has claimed to have evidence that the middle-aged single woman may in fact be harboring a domestic Siamese mix cat inside the residence. [Read more…] about Stapleton Welcome Committee Fears Worst of New Eastbridge Resident

Just when you think Stapleton can’t get any snobbier, they somehow make it happen. This Friday night (9/13), a direct giving party with a college-like rivalry is being hosted at the Nantucket Close. Yes, a college theme party in the most exclusive part of Stapleton. Parents from Bill Roberts and Westerly Creek will be squaring off in college events in what is being dubbed “the Spirit Games.” The games will officially take place from 6-9PM, but we know that it will go past 11. [Read more…] about First Annual “Spirit Games”: Even College-Theme Parties in Stapleton are Snobby