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A vast majority of Stapleton residents have young kids, and with kids, comes messes. Nothing can stop them. We all start off with rules regarding where they can color, paint, play with play dough, and other crafts, but over time, the kids wear us down and win out. It’s the same thing with food. First, it’s only eating at the dining table, then the ottoman, and pretty soon, it’s just, “try to eat over your plate.” Families try to clean up the messes, or hire people to clean them up, but the mess force that is children seems to be an unstoppable force. “I feel like I’m constantly sweeping or vacuuming,” said Stapleton mom Lesley Fogdall. “Or wiping things off, or scrubbing things, and we have house cleaners come once every week. It is just exhausting.” In fact, most kids are so messy, parents refuse to purchase new furniture until their kids are out of the house. “What would be the point,” said resident Jason Starbeck. “They would just ruin that as soon as we got it. It’d be like throwing money directly into the garbage. We already waste enough money on these kids, we don’t want to give them the satisfaction of destroying one more valuable thing in this house.” So, most Stapleton residents move on with their days pretending not to notice the almost incomprehensible inadequacies of their furniture. [Read more…] about Cracks of Stapleton Family’s Couch Probably “Grossest Thing Ever”

In an unfortunate incident sure to emotionally scar seven year old Stapleton girl Alexis Miller, Miller found out through her mom’s iPhone that Santa is not real. “I always let her play with my phone to keep her busy when we are out eating, or if I’m driving, or busy at home,” said Alexis’ mom Kate. “She has seen me use the Siri function before, but I never thought she knew how to get to it, or would ever ask such a damning question. But, she did, and I guess I have to deal with it from here.” Apparently, Alexis specifically asked Siri if Santa was real. According to Kate, Siri said, “no, Santa is not real. However, global warming is.” Kate thought the comments from Siri were meant to soften the blow. “I don’t think Siri is programmed to lie, so it tried to throw some random misdirection in there. Unfortunately, it didn’t take.” [Read more…] about Siri Tells Stapleton Child Santa Claus Isn’t Real

Some call it the “Irish goodbye” others call it “ghosting,” and some call it the “French exit.” But no matter what you call it, for some reason, the terminology carries a negative connotation. These terms all refer to leaving a party without saying goodbye to people, or essentially sneaking out of a party or gathering. Personally, I feel this is the only way to go. This is especially true when attending Stapleton Holiday or New Year’s parties. Here’s why:

1. If it’s officially a party (not just a gathering of close friends), there will definitely be people there you either don’t know or don’t like. You may have already had to talk to these people, which is unfortunate. To avoid speaking with them again when you want to go, just leave. You hated the first conversation with them, why be “cordial” and have another bullshit conversation? What were you going to say to them, anyway? “Great to see you for the first time since last year’s party.” “Sorry to hear your drive to work can take a while.” Cut your losses at the first conversation, and disappear.
2. Trust me. You’re not that important. Really, no one cares if you leave. No one cares why you have to go (babysitter, work project, going to the game tomorrow, etc.). Nobody cares. So, don’t make a big spectacle of your departure. If it’s important to get your, “look everybody, it’s me,” moment, do it at your arrival. Walk in like the life of the party. But don’t demand the attention of others just to let them know you no longer will be enjoying their company.
3. The final reason is very personal to me. We’ve all been at a party, finally finding that comfortable corner of friends talking about things we like to talk about, when suddenly the “goodbyer” invades. “Hey, fellas/ladies, I’m heading out, great to see you, hope to see you soon…” Well, they just broke up your good time corner. We all forgot what we were talking about, or the rude goodbye made others feel like they could walk over and jump into our circle of fun. Now, some of our crew is splitting up, getting another drink, or whatever. The fun circle is over, probably for the night. Now, it’s time for me to ghost. The goodbyer just squashed the only hour of fun I was potentially going to have. Like jinxing a no-hitter. Don’t be the guy that ruins a no-hitter. Just leave, and let the rest of us carry on with our good time, you selfish, arrogant prick.

So, when attending any large gathering in the hood, you shouldn’t feel obligated to say goodbye. You should feel obligated to not say goodbye. May the ghost be with you. ]]>

Two weeks ago, just over 100 Stapleton residents gathered to meet with the Stapleton MCA and local law enforcement to discuss what can be done about the amount of crime in Stapleton. “Things are getting out of hand,” said resident Kristi Mullenix. “Bikes getting stolen, homes getting broken into, bullets whizzing by, police cars all over the place. I mean, it’s like Detroit. Or what I imagine Detroit would be like, as I would never go there.” Residents from all over Stapleton stood up to discuss what they feel should be done about the almost uncountable number of dangerous incidences in Stapleton (unless you try to count them and use your one hand). “It’s time we get our own private security,” said resident Vince Hodges. “I thought this was the case years ago, and now I am absolutely convinced of it.” Several residents applauded this idea to which MCA President Liza Kampstra responded. “Hiring a private security force is extremely expensive,” said Kamkpstra. “Aside from that, there is no proof it is effective.” Resident Kathleen Taylor suggested the MCA shut down the pools and other MCA services in lieu of hiring a private security firm. “If we can’t be safe, which we aren’t, what’s the point in having all these other services?” said Taylor. “Let’s put everything into safety, and shut these other things down until we can sleep at night.” Some residents liked the idea of Stapleton becoming a gated community, while others thought closing the through streets would cut down on crime. In the end, District 5 Commander Greg Westerberg tried to reassure Stapleton residents they are very safe. “Stapleton consists of about only three percent of all Denver crime,” says Westerberg. “It’s hardly a high-crime district. Stapleton, in fact, is quite safe.” Residents agreed to disagree. “You may have all of your numbers and your experience,” complained Kate Jones. “But a lot of us here can tell you, it doesn’t feel safe. Maybe you need to change how you define a high crime district.” Seth Hall agrees. “What would consist of a high crime district?” asks Hall. “What needs to happen here to change that? If we get redefined, would we get more help?” Westerberg says residents can continue to help their own cause by doing the simple things. “Residents need to continue to lock their doors, garages, and report crime and suspicious activity,” said Westerberg. “And remember, you live in a city, and crime is unavoidable to cities.” Stapleton residents plan to continue the fight to completely eliminate crime.]]>

Forest City recently released their latest plan to develop affordable housing in Stapleton. The revolutionary plan provides shipping containers which will be modified to be new age apartments. “This is starting to be done all over the world,” said Forest City President Phil Dargossi. “We can make these affordable and sustainable. Plus they are unique, which ultimately is something we love in Stapleton.” [Read more…] about Forest City Releases Cutting Edge Affordable Housing Plan

Stapleton mom Carrie Crum has done a tremendous job raising her two kids. She has been actively involved in every aspect of their lives and has worked hard to put them in the best positon to succeed. “I have tried to make sure I did my best so they could have a lot of opportunity in their lives,” says Crum. “Whether it’s cooking healthy meals, working with them on their homework, or taking them everywhere in Colorado, it has just been important to me to be the best parent I can be.” Crum has done about all you could expect out of a parent. But, recently things have started to change. [Read more…] about Stapleton Mom Admits Best Parenting is Behind Her

It’s the time of year when parents seek the best place to get their kids a quick meeting with Santa Claus. Oftentimes for Stapleton residents, this happens to be the Northfield Bass Pro Shops. “It’s so close by, and they have all sorts of things to offer,” said Stapleton mom Amanda Jones. “They have a carousel, crafts, a train, toy cars, and of course, your kids get to meet Santa and get a picture with him. It’s actually really great.” Megan Richardson of Stapleton also enjoys taking her kids over to Bass Pro Shops to have a meet and greet with Saint Nick. “We go every year,” said Richardson. “The kids love running around and looking at all the overpriced, Bass Pro Shops emblazoned toys. It’s a great and convenient way to get the kids to see Santa before Christmas as well.” [Read more…] about Northfield Bass Pro Shops Showcases Diverse Group of White Customers

Every Stapleton neighborhood has its list of grievances. Eastbridge may have more than most, but other neighborhoods also have their share of concerns. Eastbridge appears to finally be getting its act together, but recently residents of the Stapleton neighborhood have found something else Forest City needs to address. “What in the hell are they doing building a hill right in front of my house,” asked North Eastbridge resident Kristi Klunder. “I think it’s supposed to be a trail or something, which is fine, but, why the hill? It almost completely blocks sight of the jail.” [Read more…] about Annoying Hill Blocks North Eastbridge Residents’ View of Jail