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Some information from the CAB diversity report was recently released in the Front Porch, and much of the information confirmed what Stapleton residents probably already knew. When compared to the city of Denver, Stapleton has a higher percentage of homeowners, a higher home value, and a higher median income. This information was hardly a revelation to Stapleton residents. “I don’t think it takes an actuarial scientist to figure that out,” said resident Scott Youde. “You can drive around Stapleton for five minutes and discern that.” [Read more…] about CAB Diversity Report: West and East Stapleton to Change Names to “Black” and “White” Stapleton, Respectively

The 1993 movie Groundhog Day follows the life of a news reporter who gets stuck on a particular day, Groundhog Day, and wakes up every day at the same time and place. With Groundhog Day being this week, Stapleton mom Kathy Shaner can’t help but compare the underappreciated film to her own life. “The truth is, a lot of days I feel like I am waking up, living the same day over and over,” said Shaner. “Get kids ready for school, watch husband leave for work, take kids to school, yoga, Starbucks, housework, pick kids up from school, after-school activities, etc., etc. The days kind of blend together, and I can hardly discern one day from the next.” In the picture show Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character Phil Connors ends up making some positive life changes which ultimately help him escape reliving the same day over and over. Shaner is not sure what she can do to escape the rigorously monotonous routine she seems stuck in. “What if I’m wrong, and I’m not reliving the same day over and over,” says Shaner. “I take the risk that I could be negatively affecting all the lives around me including my kids. It’s just too big a risk to take. So, I’ll keep going through every day, until something happens that snaps me out of my tedious, daily routine.” The only thing that may break Shaner out of the circle is if some girlfriends take her out on a Thursday night. So, if you’re friends with Kathy, please, give her a call, and take her out for a big night of drinking. It might be her only hope. ]]>

The testing of the new Light Rail at Havana and Smith Road has many wishing for the good ol’ days when a trip down Havana meant enjoying the scenic views of not one, but two correctional facilities while waiting your turn at a lengthy four-way stop. Now we get to enjoy those sights even longer as some lucky commuters with unfortunate timing get stuck at a stoplight for nearly 10 minutes at a clip while they test the new high-speed trains. [Read more…] about RTD Downs DOC in Contest to Make Havana Exit More Annoying

DENVER, CO – MARCH 9: A plan is announced to restore the air traffic control tower in Stapleton and turn it in to a second location for the Denver-based Punch Bowl Social. It will also serve as the company’s corporate headquarters. The tower is located at the intersection of Central Park Blvd. and Martin Luther King Blvd. (Photo by Kathryn Scott Osler/The Denver Post)[/caption]By April, it appears Punch Bowl Social will have the deed to the 2.2 acres of land around the control tower and will be able to begin construction on the cool new fun and eatery™. The project won’t be easy, according to Project Manager Randy Gibbons. “There are so many things that need to be addressed,” said Gibbons. “There are structural issues, electrical issues, design issues, etc., etc. Plus, it’s not like we simply need to upgrade things. We are repurposing the facility. It was a place to direct planes, now it needs to be a place that sells food. It’s a monster of a project.” [Read more…] about Punch Bowl Social to Acquire Control Tower Land and Begin LONG Construction Project

On February 2nd, the Stapleton community had the lowest incidences of reported crime in over half a decade. The Denver Police Department (DPD) informed The Stapletonion that they could not remember the last time they received so few calls from the Stapleton community. “We typically receive tens of phone calls a day from Stapleton residents or complaints on our Text-a-Tip line,” said officer Dan Lembeck. “But, on Tuesday, we maybe received one or two calls. It was just extremely quiet. Which is great. Maybe the residents are finally listening to us.” Although it’s certainly possible residents have wised up and started locking their homes and garages, there just may be other factors in play, suggests crime expert Kevin Propp. “It could be possible that residents have started to lock their valuables, but my guess is the weather played a bigger part,” said Propp. “Burglars see the weather and watch the weather reports, too. If school is canceled, they assume people will be home. Plus, they don’t want to be driving or trudging through the snow. Makes for a more challenging getaway. Plus, all of our research shows criminals don’t like cold weather. Which is why there is hardly any crime in North Dakota. Or, at least I assume there is no crime there.” ]]>

A recent article in Westowrd discusses the “Seven Things that Make Stapleton Residents Really, Really Mad.” The article, written by a disgruntled former Stapleton resident, aims to identify things that anger Stapletonians. Overall, the effort should be considered haphazard at best, only identifying low hanging fruit, which quite frankly, is our job at The Stapletonion. The author comments on the long awaited Eastbridge town center, King Soopers, Stapleton crime, gating the community, and even goes so far as to criticize how we raise our kids. Of course, there are some egregiously erroneous comments in the article which include the statement, “Children reign supreme in Stapleton, so if you don’t have any, you at least need a complete willingness to smile your way through someone else’s little rugrats constantly getting in your way. (Often literally in your way: Some families encourage their young kids to drive golf carts on public streets, and think this is more adorable than illegal.)” I am sure some parents have allowed their kids to drive the golf cart supervised in a controlled environment, but “encourage their young kids to drive golf carts on public streets,” is way off base. As a reporter, I drive around Stapleton all the time, and don’t recall one occasion where I had to dodge out of the way from a crazed child in a golf cart. As the author comments on crime, he mentions, “The vehicle break-ins got so bad in 2015 that a sign was temporarily erected on Central Park Boulevard warning people not to leave valuables in their cars and to ‘watch for people that look like they don’t belong.’” I don’t remember any sign with that verbiage, but I do remember this sign. The author may have wanted to read that sentence aloud before publishing its ridiculousness. He does mention his car was vandalized twice while he was living in Stapleton, but my guess is those particular incidences were person-specific. Overall, the article doesn’t offend me as a Stapletonian, it offends me as a comedian. Stapleton’s number one news source, The Stapletonion, wanted to rectify the Westword’s inaccurate list of Stapleton fears by publishing the accurate list of our five greatest fears.

1. Non-hot moms moving to Stapleton. Stapleton is probably the hot mom capital of the world, boasting a 98.4% hot mom percentage, unofficially higher than any other area this dense on the planet. As Stapleton grows, however, the odds increase that more non-hot moms may move into the Stapleton community. Some forecasters project the “hot mom index” may dip to as low as 95%. God help us.
2. Stress of where to eat, drink, and socialize becoming too much to bear. Stapleton already has some nice dining options and watering holes. And soon, several more will be coming in with the Stanley Project, Eastbridge Town Center, and Punch Bowl Social at the tower. Residents already have difficulty deciding where to take the kids to eat and where to meet friends at happy hour. Now, with a plethora of great options, residents feel the stress may be overwhelming.
3. Loss of excuses to not leave Stapleton. People love staying in the hood. And why not? But, there is a whole other city out there, and now Stapletonians can easily and cheaply explore it with the FasTracks RTD project which will bring Stapletoians from Stapleton to the heart of the city in 12 minutes. The project will also get us to the airport in 12 minutes, so I guess we need to start planning some out-of-Stapleton adventures.
4. Too many good schools to choose from. This is always a stressful time of year for parents as they have to make hard decisions on where they want their children to attend school. In many parts of the country, there is no choice; you simply attend the school close by. In other areas of the country, there are limited options when it comes to quality schools, so getting into your school of choice is less likely, as everyone works to enter that one school. In other cases, people pay thousands of dollars a year so their kids can attend private schools. Here in Stapleton, there are over half a dozen quality elementary schools, almost the same number of great junior highs, and now a new high school. These options make it difficult for parents to choose which school to enroll their children into. However, people don’t always get their first choice. But, that second choice is usually pretty damn good.
5. Too many people wanting to move here. With all of the great things going on in Stapleton, lots of people want to live here. That can cause two problems. One, Forest City continues to grow Stapleton beyond its original planned boundaries, lessening the current community-feel and watering down the community’s original concept. Two, home values continue to increase, making it seem as if Stapletonians are wealthy snobs, when in fact, most residents are simply hard-working, upper-middle income people who wanted good opportunities for their children, and also wanted to be a part of all the great things the City of Denver can offer.

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Following a recent meeting about the expansion plans of McAuliffe Middle School on the Smiley campus, members of the loosely organized Park Hill Militia (PHM) began an occupation of the Smiley building in order to “reclaim our school,” according to PHM spokesperson Ammon Harney. PHM had planted several followers at the meeting who were able to disrupt a formal presentation about McAuliffe’s expansion plans with repeated expressions of disgruntlement regarding having to share the middle school with residents of nearby Stapleton. However, McAuliffe principal Peter Ackman, with his signature calm demeanor, handled the many irrelevant questions with aplomb, pointing out, for example, that 82% of Park Hill residents had opted out of the neighborhood middle school when it had been exclusively theirs. After the near capacity crowd in the Smiley auditorium applauded Mr. Ackman’s fourth successful foil of PHM’s cantankerous campaign to take over the expansion meeting with their own agenda, militia members became determined to take action. Arriving the next morning, armed with an array of weapons that included ski poles, pinata bats, and nerf guns, the protesters blocked all entrances to the Smiley building with Priuses as they loaded in cases of Door-to-Door Organic produce boxes. [Read more…] about Park Hill Militia Occupies Smiley Building

The long Holiday break is great for families to get a chance to spend time together, travel, and to see family and friends. During breaks, parents are also much more lenient when it comes to keeping kids on a schedule, in particular when it comes to bed times. “We always let the kids stay up later than usual,” said Stapleton mom Barbara Halpin. “Let them have fun with siblings, cousins, friends, or whatever. They have friends, family, and new toys. I let them enjoy them.” The problem most parents end up having to deal with is kids start getting up later and later each morning. “We got into a pattern where our kids were not up until 10, and not out of their pajamas until one,” said Halpin. Halpin is not alone. “We basically ended up doing brunch for two and a half weeks because the kids weren’t even ready to eat until eleven,” said Kari Southall. “Probably because they weren’t eating dinner until nine o’clock.” [Read more…] about Stapleton Kids Off-Schedule from Holiday Break Attending Night School