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FBI Agent Bemoans Assignment

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After a lifetime of training, discipline, hard work, FBI agent Mike Chavez finds himself depressed, a little lonely, and bored. “When I left Quantico, I couldn’t wait to get out there and start solving murders, hunting for serial killers, busting up organized crime rings, maybe infiltrating a terrorist cell or two and making America safe again. I got my assignment to Denver and, although I was really hoping for New York or D.C., I figured I was bound to see some action one way or another. Then I arrived at our office in the Stapleton neighborhood. OK, I figured, the building looks like it could withstand some heavy attacks so they must be wary of something out here. Wrong, dead wrong. Turns out they are required to build FBI offices with a certain degree of fortitude no matter where they are located. Do you know how many national security risks are called in to the Stapleton branch every month? Zero.”

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Stapleton’s Most Discriminated Group, Republicans, Prepare for Tough Times

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With the November election right around the corner, Stapleton Republicans have been meeting regularly to discuss how they will respond to those yelling at them and stealing their yard signs. All 36 registered Republicans in the Stapleton community have been gathering every Thursday night at the Central Park community room. Some have chosen to go in costume in case an undercover Democrat plans to take names. “You never know what those scheming Democrats will be up to,” says Stapleton Republican leader Keith Carman. “You can never trust a damn lib.” [Read more…] about Stapleton’s Most Discriminated Group, Republicans, Prepare for Tough Times

Stapleton Visionary Launches Tree-Trimming Business

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37 year-old Doug Schwab is an idea man. Throughout the years, his entrepreneurial spirit, wild creativity, and limitless imagination have produced countless ideas that turned into wildly popular products and services and made a lot of people very wealthy. Ever heard of a little thing called FaceBook? Unfortunately for Schwab, he first heard of it when he was describing his idea for keeping your friends and family updated on your life and activities via a web interface to a group of potential investors. Other great ideas he had just a little too late include:

  • E-Buy, an auction site where people can sell their stuff to anyone in the world
  • Where Would Jeeves Drive?, a “search motor” where people can simply type in an address and get driving directions as well as listings for local businesses (you may have seen his WWJD? t-shirts and bracelets before the Cease and Desist order)
  • Gators – a line of cheaply made and chafing footwear
In an effort to finally be ahead of the curve, Schwab recently launched his latest venture, Stapleton Trim, a stump removal and tree pruning business targeting the lucrative Stapleton market. “I’ve seen businesses like this rake in the money in neighborhoods like Wash Park, the Highlands, and Park Hill so I did some research and it seems that these guys are literally ignoring the Stapleton area,” Schwab told his wife in their weekly brainstorming meeting. “We finally have a chance to be the first ones in on the ground floor of a great idea!” Although he is currently fielding calls mainly from men seeking short-term female companionship, Schwab is confident that the calls for tree trimming will start rolling in a mere 10-15 years from now. He estimates that by 2075, the need for stump grinding and removal will be overwhelming in the area. “Honestly,” he confided in The StapletOnion, “I need to start hiring and training a crew immediately if I am to have any hope of keeping up with future demand. I have to admit, it feels great to know that I can finally build a secure future for my family and start focusing on some of my more aggressive ideas.” What are his plans until this goose starts laying golden eggs, you ask? Well, we did too and, although he didn’t want to divulge too much about what he has in the works, with a sly wink he told us to be on the lookout for a website where you could track the scores of literally every NCAA, NFL, NBA, MLB, and even MLS sporting event in what he promises will be very close to real time.]]>

Stapleton Considers Invading Park Hill

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Stapleton residents have had about enough of Park Hillians using our pools, parks and open space. Stapleton residents essentially do not like paying higher taxes for a nice neighborhood, just to have others come in and use facilities their hard earned tax dollars paid for. As a last resort a senior committee will consider invading Park Hill to stop further encroachments on the unique and sheltered lifestyle we all want to maintain. A recent meeting sponsored by the Stapleton Coalition to keep Park Hill in Park Hill had well over 500 attendees. Many people complained that overcrowding at our pools and our Rec Center are easily attributed to the migration of Park Hill residents using these “Stapleton Facilities.” [Read more…] about Stapleton Considers Invading Park Hill

Study: Stapleton Wives Just as Irrational as Other Wives

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A recent study conducted by the University of Colorado Hospitals shows that married women in Stapleton are in fact as irrational as married women in the rest of the world. This controversial study flies in the face of Stapleton wives who believed they were a little more rational than other women, but it does confirm what Stapleton dads have been thinking for years. “The big issue here is the transplant issue,” says Doctor of Psychiatry Greg Halsor. “None of these women were born in Stapleton, and all moved here. It is possible that the next generation of Stapleton women will be more rational, but there is no evidence suggesting that just living here will make you more rational.” [Read more…] about Study: Stapleton Wives Just as Irrational as Other Wives