Wiggles Cancel July Town Center Performance Amid Substance Abuse Rumors

In an announcement that will shake 2 and 3 year olds to their core, the popular children entertainers ‘The Wiggles’ have abruptly cancelled a planned outdoor concert performance at the Stapleton Town Center.  Originally slated for Saturday, July 23rd, at 1:00 PM, a specific reason for the cancellation was not given.  However, during a surprisingly impromptu statement issued by the usually silent Wiggles cast member, “Wags the Dog” outside a San Antonio Hooters location, the popular K-9 character finally broke his silence.

“These guys have been perpetually pushing the envelope for so long, it’s finally caught up with them – just look at ‘em.  They’re a collective (expletive) train-wreck,” added Wags.  “You don’t honestly think they could display that level of energy and enthusiasm day in, day out, without a few ‘Mother’s Little Helpers’ do you?”

Celebrating their 20th Year in 2011, The Wiggles have created a catalogue of music, television, video and film that have proven to be modern classics amongst children and select adults.  The Wiggles have always been a touring band, which in part explains the success they have enjoyed. They have kept in constant contact mingling with their public and the public has responded to the music and characters they have created.

These recent revelations may have derailed fans love affair with the group.  Additional, yet unsubstantiated rumors have surfaced over the last 18 months about the level of sobriety within primary cast’s core members, Sam (Yellow), Murray (Red), Jeff (Purple) and Anthony (Blue) have all faced their own legal challenges.  When pushed for specifics around the combustibility of the Wiggles, Wags bounced around the various rumors, not willing to completely sell out his fellow cast members.

The news is not going over so well with one-time ticket holders.  When asked about her child’s sadness following cashing in her four pre-purchased $285 (each) tickets online at Ticketmaster, Stapleton resident Stacey Martin expressed a sigh of relief.  “Dodged a bullet there.  I was going kill someone if I had to sit out in 100 degree heat and listen to Dorothy the Dinosaur ramble on about colors and emotions when I should actually be sipping some Spanish Pinot at the pool.”

Phone calls to other cast members have gone unanswered.  This freelance writer did attempt to catch cast favorite Captain Feathersword recently outside a Hollywood eatery, however his commentary was brash, belligerent and very incoherent.


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One response to “Wiggles Cancel July Town Center Performance Amid Substance Abuse Rumors”

  1. Stinky Rhodes

    Isn’t Jeff the one who is a little “light in the loafers”?

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