Westword Article Completely Misses Mark on Stapleton

A recent article in Westowrd discusses the “Seven Things that Make Stapleton Residents Really, Really Mad.” The article, written by a disgruntled former Stapleton resident, aims to identify things that anger Stapletonians. Overall, the effort should be considered haphazard at best, only identifying low hanging fruit, which quite frankly, is our job at The Stapletonion. The author comments on the long awaited Eastbridge town center, King Soopers, Stapleton crime, gating the community, and even goes so far as to criticize how we raise our kids.

Of course, there are some egregiously erroneous comments in the article which include the statement, “Children reign supreme in Stapleton, so if you don’t have any, you at least need a complete willingness to smile your way through someone else’s little rugrats constantly getting in your way. (Often literally in your way: Some families encourage their young kids to drive golf carts on public streets, and think this is more adorable than illegal.)” I am sure some parents have allowed their kids to drive the golf cart supervised in a controlled environment, but “encourage their young kids to drive golf carts on public streets,” is way off base. As a reporter, I drive around Stapleton all the time, and don’t recall one occasion where I had to dodge out of the way from a crazed child in a golf cart.

As the author comments on crime, he mentions, “The vehicle break-ins got so bad in 2015 that a sign was temporarily erected on Central Park Boulevard warning people not to leave valuables in their cars and to ‘watch for people that look like they don’t belong.’” I don’t remember any sign with that verbiage, but I do remember this sign. The author may have wanted to read that sentence aloud before publishing its ridiculousness. He does mention his car was vandalized twice while he was living in Stapleton, but my guess is those particular incidences were person-specific.

Overall, the article doesn’t offend me as a Stapletonian, it offends me as a comedian. Stapleton’s number one news source, The Stapletonion, wanted to rectify the Westword’s inaccurate list of Stapleton fears by publishing the accurate list of our five greatest fears.

  1. Non-hot moms moving to Stapleton. Stapleton is probably the hot mom capital of the world, boasting a 98.4% hot mom percentage, unofficially higher than any other area this dense on the planet. As Stapleton grows, however, the odds increase that more non-hot moms may move into the Stapleton community. Some forecasters project the “hot mom index” may dip to as low as 95%. God help us.
  2. Stress of where to eat, drink, and socialize becoming too much to bear. Stapleton already has some nice dining options and watering holes. And soon, several more will be coming in with the Stanley Project, Eastbridge Town Center, and Punch Bowl Social at the tower. Residents already have difficulty deciding where to take the kids to eat and where to meet friends at happy hour. Now, with a plethora of great options, residents feel the stress may be overwhelming.
  3. Loss of excuses to not leave Stapleton. People love staying in the hood. And why not? But, there is a whole other city out there, and now Stapletonians can easily and cheaply explore it with the FasTracks RTD project which will bring Stapletoians from Stapleton to the heart of the city in 12 minutes. The project will also get us to the airport in 12 minutes, so I guess we need to start planning some out-of-Stapleton adventures.
  4. Too many good schools to choose from. This is always a stressful time of year for parents as they have to make hard decisions on where they want their children to attend school. In many parts of the country, there is no choice; you simply attend the school close by. In other areas of the country, there are limited options when it comes to quality schools, so getting into your school of choice is less likely, as everyone works to enter that one school. In other cases, people pay thousands of dollars a year so their kids can attend private schools. Here in Stapleton, there are over half a dozen quality elementary schools, almost the same number of great junior highs, and now a new high school. These options make it difficult for parents to choose which school to enroll their children into. However, people don’t always get their first choice. But, that second choice is usually pretty damn good.
  5. Too many people wanting to move here. With all of the great things going on in Stapleton, lots of people want to live here. That can cause two problems. One, Forest City continues to grow Stapleton beyond its original planned boundaries, lessening the current community-feel and watering down the community’s original concept. Two, home values continue to increase, making it seem as if Stapletonians are wealthy snobs, when in fact, most residents are simply hard-working, upper-middle income people who wanted good opportunities for their children, and also wanted to be a part of all the great things the City of Denver can offer.
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One response to “Westword Article Completely Misses Mark on Stapleton”

  1. Dennis Scott

    What struck me about the Westword article was how often I felt like I was reading something kinda, sorta like something previously published in the Stapletonion. Not that I’m saying the Westword article wasn’t an original piece of work. Obviously it was because the Stapletonion stuff is actually good.

    The oozing bitterness of the author and the comments on the piece are hilarious. Comments from snobs who live outside of Stapleton passing judgement and looking down their noses at the snobs they claim live in Stapleton. Oh irony, how you entertain me.

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