Stapletonian’s Report to Police “Total Dog Sh#t”

total dog shitLast Thursday, someone reported a car driving slowly down alleys near 35th and Akron. The suspicious man was seen getting in and out of his car, going into people’s backyards and then putting stuff in his trunk. “I saw the strange behavior and texted a tip right away,” said resident Michael Potter. “We have too much of that stuff going on around here so I want to put a stop to it when I can.” Luckily, police arrived at the scene and pulled the man over.

Unfortunately for Stapleton residents, the man wasn’t arrested, and no charges were pressed. On a positive note, it turns out the man was some sort of pooper scooper who cleans up people’s backyards. “I didn’t even know that was a thing,” said resident Katie Propp. “People hire people to pick up their dog poop? Only in Stapleton I guess. And we wonder why we are targeted. Who wouldn’t want to rob a neighborhood so wealthy they have other people come clean up their dog poop.” The police say they appreciate residents reporting suspicious behavior, even when it turns out to be total crap. “There is no way of knowing what this person in an unmarked car was doing so it was good they contacted us,” Said officer, Jeremy Thompson. “Obviously, in this situation, it was just a bunch of shit, but next time, it could really be something.” The Stapletonion must give credit to Stapleton Community Watch, who was the first to “scoop” the story.

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