Stapleton Visionary Launches Tree-Trimming Business


37 year-old Doug Schwab is an idea man. Throughout the years, his entrepreneurial spirit, wild creativity, and limitless imagination have produced countless ideas that turned into wildly popular products and services and made a lot of people very wealthy. Ever heard of a little thing called FaceBook? Unfortunately for Schwab, he first heard of it when he was describing his idea for keeping your friends and family updated on your life and activities via a web interface to a group of potential investors. Other great ideas he had just a little too late include:

  • E-Buy, an auction site where people can sell their stuff to anyone in the world
  • Where Would Jeeves Drive?, a “search motor” where people can simply type in an address and get driving directions as well as listings for local businesses (you may have seen his WWJD? t-shirts and bracelets before the Cease and Desist order)
  • Gators – a line of cheaply made and chafing footwear

In an effort to finally be ahead of the curve, Schwab recently launched his latest venture, Stapleton Trim, a stump removal and tree pruning business targeting the lucrative Stapleton market. “I’ve seen businesses like this rake in the money in neighborhoods like Wash Park, the Highlands, and Park Hill so I did some research and it seems that these guys are literally ignoring the Stapleton area,” Schwab told his wife in their weekly brainstorming meeting. “We finally have a chance to be the first ones in on the ground floor of a great idea!”

Although he is currently fielding calls mainly from men seeking short-term female companionship, Schwab is confident that the calls for tree trimming will start rolling in a mere 10-15 years from now. He estimates that by 2075, the need for stump grinding and removal will be overwhelming in the area. “Honestly,” he confided in The StapletOnion, “I need to start hiring and training a crew immediately if I am to have any hope of keeping up with future demand. I have to admit, it feels great to know that I can finally build a secure future for my family and start focusing on some of my more aggressive ideas.”

What are his plans until this goose starts laying golden eggs, you ask? Well, we did too and, although he didn’t want to divulge too much about what he has in the works, with a sly wink he told us to be on the lookout for a website where you could track the scores of literally every NCAA, NFL, NBA, MLB, and even MLS sporting event in what he promises will be very close to real time.

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