Stapleton Residents Terrorized by Massive Child Infestation

Hordes of feral children roamed Stapleton’s parks and swimming pools Saturday as officials admitted that there is little they can to battle the infestation.  “They’re a menace,” complained one local resident. “You see them everywhere you go. Even the restaurants seem to have more children than patrons these days.”

The unprecedented problem has grown so bad that the local bike trails have become congested with menacing packs of two, sometime three children trailing after each resident. At night, their piercing cries shatter the stillness of the evening.  Although these children are typically wary of humans and very rarely bite, they are known to harbor diseases and are extremely contagious. Residents are warned not to pet or feed any stray children encountered in the wild.

Sadly, most residents have simply learned to live with problem.

“My life is basically over,” says another resident who is battling an infestation in her own home. “They make a horrible mess in the house. They eat any food that had not been secured.  I’m constantly having to clean up after them.  And… I used to do things on the weekends, you know? Go out.  Head up to the mountains.  See R rated movies.  That’s all over now.”

While children can be found in other parts of the Denver metropolitan area, the infestation is especially high in Stapleton. Officials stress these basic safety precautions:

  • DO NOT BRING CHILDREN HOME WITH YOU.

The problem likely began when too many residents brought baby children into the home, not realizing these creatures, although seemingly defenseless, are in fact wild animals that can quickly grow to be unmanageable.

“People just don’t seem to understand that you can’t bring these creatures into the home. Sure they’re cute when they’re little, but soon they grow too big and unruly and that is when they get released back into the wild.”

The recent surge in the number of children infesting Stapleton dashed officials’ hopes that the problem had been contained.  “We have tried everything we can do at this point, including building three heavily fortified elementary schools. Unfortunately, these buildings simply don’t seem to be able to contain them.  At this point, there is little more we can do than simply wait them out,” says one official.  One day, these children will grow up and hopefully go to college. And then they will be someone else’s problem.

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