Stapleton Pools Drained After Complaints



Residents who frequent Stapleton’s variety of aquatic options have several things in common: they like to drink beer, they like to bring their kids, and they don’t like to get wet. To even the most casual observer, Stapletonians lounging around the pool are curiously dry and seem to have a cat-like aversion to water. This has recently manifested itself in myriad complaints to the MCA and the lifeguards it employs that they do not like being splashed by the scores of children romping, playing, and laughing in the water.

We spoke with some residents at the F-15 pool recently where implemented a ban on squirt guns in June as an attempt to appease complaining residents. “I come here to relax, enjoy a nice canned rose, and chat with my friends,” Wendi Hoffman told us. “I’m certainly not here to be splashed by some — Hey! Sofia, stay in the shallow-end!– snot nosed kid.” Ms. Hoffman said. “Yeah, it’s, like, if I wanted to get wet, I’d get in the pool,” said Mike Hoffman who had pulled one of the low pool chairs onto the first step of the shallow-end. “Safety is my number-one concern,” Kate Shafer chimed in; she was there with her 12-year-old daughter and 14-year-old son. “I need to be here with my kids to make sure they’re okay. We live a few blocks away and drive here almost every day. The streets aren’t safe, there’s strangers everywhere, and squirt guns pose a significant risk to eye-health. Not to mention, I’m trying to get rid of these tan lines, and kids squirting me doesn’t help.”

While most parents and residents agreed, the children were understandably disappointed. We asked 11-year-old Nathan Davis what he thought. “I got this awesome splash-blaster for my birthday, but I can’t even use it at the pool, which is so lame. At least I got, like, 3 new fidget spinners, though, along with new body-armor that my mom makes me wear when I ride my bike. It makes it a little hot, but that one time I might fall off my bike, I won’t get a raspberry on my knee.”

Lifeguards are reluctantly on board, it seems. “We have so many rules to enforce already, no running, no yelling, no spitting, no splashing, no swimming fast, no holding your breath under water for more than 10-seconds; what’s another one?” pondered Beckham who has been life guarding in Stapleton for three seasons. “Half these parents are so bombed they don’t know who their kids are half the time,” mentioned Lucy, another lifeguard. “They don’t want to be wet or get splashed, whether they’re in or out of the pool. Makes complete sense,” she added wryly.

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