Stapleton Library Slated to Open Exactly One Day After Libraries Become Irrelevant

Residents are eagerly awaiting the opening of the new Stapleton Library, but unfortunately, the grand opening has bad timing, according to most analysts.  “Sadly, libraries are quickly going the direction of the newspaper,” said Wall Street Journal .com analyst Jake Wharton.  “With Wikipedia, who needs microfiche; with the Kindle, who needs physical books; with the iPad, who needs anything else,” questioned Wharton.

Wharton appears to be correct according to the plans for the grand opening.  Matt Shelton, Kindle’s DGD (Director of Global Dominance), is expected to be present at the ribbon-cutting ceremony, but only so he can quickly make an offer on the land.

“As Kindle expands into other vertical markets, we asked ourselves what does Stapleton need more than anything right now,” asked Shelton.  “The answer was pretty clear – another gas station, and we want a piece of that action. What do they need less than just about anything in the world? A whole building full of paper books. Seriously, what are they going to build here next, an electric typewriter store?”  Some have argued that although the poor will soon be able to afford iPads and Kindles, libraries are really about the kids.  Wharton disagrees. “Have you ever seen a kid with an iPad? That kicks the heck out of a kid in a library.”  Wharton also makes another solid point.  “If the Stapleton Library was really for the kids, they wouldn’t have built it so close to Aurora in the first place.”

Analysts can not say with complete certainty that libraries will become obsolete, but most agree that understanding how to find a book using a card catalogue will become significantly less important in the next year.

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One response to “Stapleton Library Slated to Open Exactly One Day After Libraries Become Irrelevant”

  1. Beth Seton

    What is the opening date?

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