Stapleton Enviros Secretly Use Chemical Weed Killers

A Stapletonion investigation has unearthed a network of extreme environmentalists who bond over their silent shame. They secretly use chemical weed killer. These men reside in Stapleton and find support in just being with each other as they share their double lives.

In every other respect (as far as their wives know), they are superb stewards of the earth. They recycle and compost nearly everything. They astonish their neighbors by leaving out only one white tall kitchen trash bag for city pick up every two weeks. They wear Birkenstocks, carry other peoples’ empty water bottles home from the playground, and are quite in touch with their feminine side. They forgo vacations for two years in order to save up for electric cars. Their kids have only eaten organic foods their entire lives and they have grown immune to the gritted teeth comments from their neighbors about their so-called “English Gardens.”

Despite their nearly perfect environmental bona fides, these men have a collective secret. They use chemicals on weeds. “I hate those %&#$ers, said group member Jeff Briana. “I used to pull them and pull them. At first I used natural weed killer, then I tried some homemade crap made of olive oil and paprika. I even tried to send them bad vibes through my meditation sessions, but nothing worked.” Briana explained that he was drunk and complaining about the seemingly indestructible growing monsters at a PTA event, when a fellow Stapleton dad pulled him aside and told him there was something he could do about it.

One week later, he went to his first meeting. He found solace and kinship as group members talked about how they snuck out in the middle of the night to spray Weed-B-Gone and Round Up on their yards. Wracked with guilt, they spend half of each meeting confessing their souls to each other for cheating on their wives, and Mother Nature, in this way. The other half of the meetings are spent sharing spraying techniques and the best chemical combinations. Most of the men tell their wives they are playing poker or bowling, rather than crying and holding each other. The underground group is growing quickly, and eventually, the men hope that it will be socially acceptable to come out of the closet as users of chemical weed killers.

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