Soopers Opening Delayed Until June; Eastbridge Residents Simultaneously Shout, “F#ck!”

eastbridge-delayedIn what is being called, “the curse word heard round Stapleton,” Eastbridge residents dropped the “f bomb” at almost the exact same time after hearing news that the Eastbridge Soopers may not be open until June. “I really thought it would be open in November,” said Eastbridge resident Tom Lewis. “When I heard the update, I couldn’t help but let out a frustrating, ‘f#ck!” Area resident Holly Tims had a similar reaction. “I guess it all hit me at once,” said Tims. “I realized it will be another seven months of going to the Quebec Soopers, another seven months of having to drive to get one simple thing we forgot from the store. I normally try to be proper, but I just couldn’t help but yell a big, ‘f#ck!” Renee Schmidt was another upset resident among hundreds of others. “Can this really be happening?” asked Schmidt. “I was so much looking forward to moving on from the old Soopers that I was excited about a King Soopeers. That’s how enthusiastic I was. Now this! F#ck, f#ck, f#ck, f#ck, f#ck!”

The decibel level of the chorus of “f#cks” was not measured, but the sound of it was audible to residents in Westerly Creek, North Central Park, and the East 29th Ave. Neighborhoods. “It was at least as loud as the train,” said East 29th Ave. resident Daryly Wallace. “It was very clear, and definitely shocked you a little bit. I hope this won’t be a daily thing.” The decibel level of a train horn is about 110, which makes it almost as loud as a rock concert at Dick’s Sporting Goods. Eastbridge residents have said the loud, “f#ck” was not planned, and that there is no sort of plan to daily or consistently yell, “f#ck” in the future. “I think I speak for all Eastbridge residents when I apologize for the incident,” said Tims. “It was completely spontaneous and in no way planned. We have just been screwed so many times by Forest City and have just taken it. I think everyone feels a little bit better now.” If history repeats itself, and it always does, Eastbridge residents will definitely be getting screwed again. And when that happens, holy f#ck, look out.

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