School Boundary Dispute Triggers Massive Rioting, Mayhem

The SUN Education Expo erupted into chaos and mayhem Thursday night, as long-simmering tensions surrounding the planned overhaul of elementary school admissions finally boiled over. Within hours, warring factions of enraged parents had taken to the streets in a pitched battle over educational preferences for their children, and Stapleton appeared to be on the brink of a full-scale civil war.

Central Park West residents quickly claimed Stapleton’s high ground by occupying the Airport Control Tower, while Eastbridge residents began building a massive barricade at the site of their nonexistent town center. The barricade appeared to be constructed primarily of discarded toys, barely-used children’s clothes that no longer fit, and old furniture that had been relegated to area basements after Ikea opened in Centennial.

Meanwhile, there were reports that a large mob of Conservatory Green residents, who want equal access to the South Stapleton schools, was advancing on foot toward the Central Park Boulevard Bridge—which is being defended by an even larger mob of South Stapleton residents who don’t want their children shipped across I-70 to High Tech to make room for Conservatory Green kids.

Forest City appealed for calm. Mark Lockie, a spokesman for the developer, pleaded with Eastbridge residents in particular: “Look, seriously, I’m pretty sure we can get you a Whole Foods if you’ll all just calm the f*** down.”

But Forest City was also preparing for the worst. Lockie said the developer was boarding up the windows at its headquarters, and barricading all entrances with massive piles of never-read copies of the Stapleton Green Book.

“If necessary as a last resort, we will create an impenetrable ring of fire around the building, using Green Books as kindling,” he said. “We’ve got plenty of them.”

In addition, an employee at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park, who spoke on condition of anonymity, revealed that Forest City had asked the stadium to prepare a possible blast of Raffi music that could be heard throughout Stapleton. Military analysts agreed this would be an excellent psychological warfare technique, and would probably end any rioting almost immediately.

The disturbance began with a heated argument at Thursday’s expo between a group of Central Park West residents and a group of Eastbridge residents. Witnesses reported that one Eastbridger told a vocal member of the Central Park West group, “I’ll see you in Hell before you limit my kids’ elementary-school options just because you didn’t read the damn rules before buying your stupid house.” A resident of Central Park West retorted that at least his neighborhood was focused on “something that matters, like our kids’ education, instead of a nonstop town-center bitchfest.”

Before long, pushing and shoving began, then punches were thrown and hair pulled. Soon, the violence began spilling out into the streets of this normally tranquil upper-middle-class haven of New Urbanist living. DPS and SUN officials announced that the expo was cancelled, and fled for their lives.

“We shall tell our enemies,” one Central Park West resident shouted to the assembled mob as they marched toward the vacant Airport Tower lot, “that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take OUR SLIGHTLY IMPROVED ODDS OF GETTING OUR KIDS INTO A SCHOOL THAT’S MARGINALLY BETTER THAN THE OTHER GOOD NEARBY SCHOOLS!!!”

“The helicopter parents are going to war,” another resident opined. “It is likely that we go to our doom.”

Passions were equally high in Eastbridge as residents began building their barricade. “Swigert should have been in OUR neighborhood, but they stole it from us, precious!” one resident was heard to say. “Wicked, tricksy, false! We hates DPS, we hates Forest City, and we hates Central Park West, precious! We hates it forever!”

As the chaos spread, there was growing concern that loud outbursts could interrupt local toddlers’ naptimes, causing further mayhem. Some even darkly whispered that, if the situation deteriorates badly enough, it might prevent nannies from making it to Stapleton.

“My God, this could become a nightmare,” said one local mother.

There were also fears of possible looting. Indeed, some Classic Stapleton homeowners (or “Natives,” as they prefer to be known) reported late Thursday that it had already begun, with a number of bikes stolen, garages broken into, and car windows smashed. One commenter on Stapleton Moms, however, speculated that those incidents were probably unrelated to the school-boundary conflict. “Sounds like a typical Thursday night,” she wrote.

Even so, some local businesses were taking precautions. Udi’s Bread Café issued a statement saying, “We are closed until further notice due to the ongoing violence, so you crazy white people will have to get your overpriced frou-frou sandwiches somewhere else.” At King Soopers, an employee was seen in the parking lot, painting new arrows on the asphalt — all pointing away from the store. “This’ll keep the looters away for sure,” he was overheard muttering to himself.

Lockie, the Forest City spokesman, told reporters that, in a worst-case scenario, continued school-boundary-related violence could lead to the unprecedented cancellation of Stapleton Halloween later this month. Economic analysts said the resulting massive falloff in candy sales would likely throw the entire nation into recession. The economic impact could be exacerbated further if the Eastbridge barricade is eventually destroyed, greatly reducing the stock of unwanted crap available for next year’s Community Garage Sale. Global stock markets fell as much as 3% on the news.

On a happier note, Lockie said Forest City was delighted to learn that a use has finally been found for the airport tower. “We congratulate the Central Park West residents on their creativity in that regard,” he said. “But now will everyone please simmer down, go home and finish putting up your Halloween decorations?”

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