Residents Targeted in FDA Probe of Milk Box Use


The FDA is now targeting Stapleton residents for improper milk box use. Elise woke up early Tuesday morning before sending her two children off to Westerly Creek Wolfpack Nation to a knock on her front door. What she thought was a neighbor asking to save her a chair at the overly crowded gymnasium for the production of “Oklahoma – The Later Years” was instead confronted by an obscure enforcement arm of the FDA. Agents from the little known Milk Information and Lactose Containment agency (aka M.I.L.C.) questioned the wife and mother of two with a summons to inspect her milk receptacle box on her front porch. What they accused her of, shocked the recently relocated Stapleton resident.

The FDA specifically prohibits the off label use of milk receptacles. It seems that Sally has been a bad girl, at least in terms of Federal Rules for Statutory Limitations for Use of Milk Receptacles. An unidentified undercover agent from M.I.L.C. called Sally’s activities “teetering on the level of a conspiracy,” with a long trail of violations since signing up on Stapleton Moms back in 2011. Specifically, she is charged with “improper use of a milk receptacle with intent to distribute, sell, exchange or purchase items NOT related to milk, milk forms, lactose or distributed by a milk or lactose distributor.”

Our investigation found that many residents in the Stapleton community may be participating in this widespread conspiracy. Shockingly, we found residents placing a wide array of items in these receptacles, ranging from misplaced pajama bottoms from a previous night’s sleepover to cash in envelopes for services sold as well as potentially harmful partially cleaned appetizer plate from previous night’s margarita party. But it doesn’t stop there. Many residents using the internet to barter, trade or sell items and placing them in these receptacles for distribution may be violating federal wire transfer laws, which includes residents living next door to each other.

When we interviewed Elise on the charges potentially imposed on her, she simply replied, “I had no idea.” Which the agent for M.I.L.C. simply replied “I believe the response is, ignorance is no excuse for violating the law.”

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