Report: Nantucket Close Residents ARE Better Than You

A comprehensive study recently conducted by the University of Colorado concluded what many Stapleton residents have known for years:  residents in the Nantucket Close are significantly better than everyone else.  The study looked at several factors including appearance, income, intelligence, athleticism, musical ability, artistic ability, and even charisma.  “We scored each one of these categoriess, and then had a comprehensive score, which we call a person’s Clooney Score,” said Dr. Chris Frazier of the University.  “The highest score one can get is 1000.  The average Nantucket Close resident scores an 894, the average Stapleton resident scores a 637, and an average American would score 482.  In Nebraska, the average person is a 268.”

None of this comes as a shock to anyone, including the scientists.  “No matter how strong a hypothesis is, it must be proven,” said Dr. Frazier.  “It gives the subject some sort of closure, and we can move on to other important studies, such as whether or not women prefer tall or short men.”  Residents in the Nantucket Close participated in the study willingly, and are pleased with the conclusion.  “We have known this for a while, and talked about it amongst ourselves,” said Close resident Dana Rowell.  “We are hoping Forrest City takes note of this and adds to the 10 security guards we already have posted in front of our private drive.”

If you happen to see a Nantucket Close resident, you should not look them in the eye but do greet them with a slight bow.

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6 responses to “Report: Nantucket Close Residents ARE Better Than You”

  1. Dana Rowell

    You forgot to mention our humanitarian efforts. *We are now selling punch cards to the public so they can enter the Close during the hours of 9:00 AM – 7:00 PM to see our awesomeness. Every fifth visit is free. The funds will be donated to us, of course, to even further our awesomeness.
    *You will have to answer to our guards if your dog craps in our park.

  2. May Q. Cry

    My fellow Nantucket neighbor forgot to mention that we have also started a fund that will be devoted to youth correctional sports therapy for all Stapleton children who have been forced to endure years of inadequate coaching through Stapleton All Sports programs.

  3. Bowdown T. Mee

    My generous neighbors in all their splendid awesomeness also forgot to mention the pride of the Close and why this place is just so special- the gazebo! For a large fee, you too could experience a taste of what it’s like to exist inside these white picket fences. If you pass inspection, we will rent this one of a kind space out to you for such things as weddings, christenings, concerts, or perhaps even a try at a comedy gig. If you don’t have enough friends to fill our large green, lush lawn or your friends just don’t think you’re as funny as you think you are, we will be happy to loan you OUR friends. Since our friends want every opportunity to spend more time here, they will happily do this for free!
    *Please don’t come in here to take pictures unless authorized by one of our guards.

  4. Man Tucket

    I would also like to add that the males in the Nantucket Close also have a special gift that was not mentioned in the study. Perhaps you’ve already heard about it. It starts out like this:

    There once was a man from Nantucket…

  5. Below Average Joe

    I just tried to buy a punch card but the concierge wouldn’t let me in because supposedly I am “too ugly.”

  6. Dana Rowell

    Joe-I’m sooooo sorry about that. He’s new. We do let ugly people in but you’ll have to pay double and wear a big hat. Please come back and have the concierge call me when you arrive!

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