MCA to Combat Crime Wave with Magnets

IMG_9895In a bold move, the MCA has recently announced that it will be pulling out all the stops and fighting crime with one of the strongest methods available – magnets. Criminals beware. Not only will residents start locking their doors and removing their laptops from their cars but every resident in Stapleton will be fully armed with deadly refrigerator magnets. When thrown, these magnets can reach supersonic speeds and completely subdue their targets. A hidden camera and microchip imbedded in the magnets are able to not only record criminal activity but quickly identify the criminals from an FBI database.

Many Stapleton residents welcome this new crime-fighting tool but others have expressed reservations. Kirstin Brody expressed the concern: “What if my three year old son thinks it’s a toy and hurls it at his little sister?”

“What if they get into the wrong hands?” expressed Joe Ryan. He suggests that residents should purchase a safe to store their magnet.

Others are concerned about their privacy rights with a hidden camera running in their homes that is connected to an FBI database. “It’s going to be like the NSA monitoring our cell phones all over again” says resident Jon McGovern.

MCA President Mike Victoria said that residents are actually getting two magnets. “We are sending a magnet within the next week to remind residents to be looking for their magnet the next week,” said Victoria. “Then, the following week, residents should receive the crime-stopping magnet. Only time will tell as each 80238 resident receives a magnet within the next two weeks. The days of unlocked doors and crimes of opportunity may soon be a thing of the past.

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