Even Dead Now Robbing Stapletonians

dead-robbing-stapletoniansTheft is nothing new to Stapleton, and neither is the diversity of the people accused of committing those crimes. Whites, blacks, and Hispanics have at one time all been involved in some sort of caper in the Stapleton neighborhood. More recently, the dead have even gotten into the act. “We came home in the middle of the day to find three skeletons breaking into our house,” said resident Lee Lauterbach. “It was very concerning. I mean, I show respect for the dead. Can’t they show a little respect for me?” The break in was the fourth report of skeletons robbing Stapleton homes in the month of October. “We expect this from people who are alive,” said wife Darcey Lauterbach. “But when the dead start coming into our homes, it’s pretty disconcerting. What next, the undead? Really frustrating.”

The Denver Police Department says they are monitoring the situation. “We are aware the dead have been causing some problems in the Stapleton neighborhood,” said Officer Mark Elmore. “We are increasing patrols…again, and are hoping the dead feel our presence and go back to where they came from. Wherever that may be.” Elmore is encouraging residents to be vigilant and make sure they report anything suspicious they see from the dead. “Absolutely call 911 immediately,” said Elmore. “Let us know location. And at the risk of sounding bones-ist, there is no need for giving a description. All skeletons pretty much look the same.” Make no bones about it. The recent rash of skeleton crime is real. The dead are here to stay.

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