Issue 5

Forrest City Taking “Less Sub, More Urb” Slogan to Whole New Level

Forrest City Taking “Less Sub, More Urb” Slogan to Whole New Level

Forrest City’s classic Stapleton ad slogan, “Less Sub, More Urb” was once clever, but now has become too much for local residents.  Recently the development company shipped in some street hooligans from Detroit to stage a riot in the town center to give Stapleton that “city feel.”  Forrest City President Phil Dargossi believes this is […]

HGTV Green House Pretty F’ing Green

HGTV Green House Pretty F’ing Green

The HGTV Green House in Stapleton is green enough for even the hippy-est of vegan flower children. This adobe home features almost no modern amenities invented after the turn of the 20th century. The future “winner” of this home will be surprised by the lack of indoor plumbing, electricity, and natural gas.  “We wanted to create something […]

Stapleton Census:  By 2014, Turtle Signs to Outnumber Caucasian Children

Stapleton Census: By 2014, Turtle Signs to Outnumber Caucasian Children

Recent census projections show that Stapleton Caucasian children could soon be a minority.  The study projects that by 2014, the annoying turtle signs reminding you that there are children in Stapleton, and you should slow down, will be the majority.  Forrest City is unsure how this will affect the community.  “We don’t really know how […]

MCA Pool Staff Prepared for Unnecessary Closures

MCA Pool Staff Prepared for Unnecessary Closures

When it comes to closing a pool quickly, it appears only Seal Team 6 could compete with the Stapleton Pool Staff.  Whether it is high winds, almost rain, sounded like thunder, is that poop, or simply getting dark a little early, this staff can get things closed up within minutes.

Stapleton Stingray Swim Team Wait List Now Longest in Country

The Stapleton Stingray waiting list has just eclipsed that of the previously high waiting list of 175,000 for Washington Redskin season tickets.  The Stingrays and Redskins are followed by the Packers, NY Giants, and Eagles. 

Stapleton C.R.A.P. Brings Hope to Stapleton Divorcees

The Stapletonion recently published the unfortunate story of a man that was caught cheating on his spouse with his neighbor.  We received several thousand emails about a business that has been in Stapleton to aid in these unfortunate circumstances.  For example, when stay at home Stapleton mom Vicki Mathias filed for divorce from her unfaithful […]

Bus Strike Cripples Walking Community

Bus Strike Cripples Walking Community

The recent school bus strike has caused problems all over the city, but no where has it caused more pain than the pedestrian-friendly community of Stapleton.  The “Far East of Denver” as it is known to many was designed specifically so that those living in the community could choose to walk their children to school […]