Stapleton Man Doesn’t Have Energy to Discuss Home Furnishings with Wife

man lacks energy to discuss house furnishingsAfter recently seeing a friend’s house, Sara Helman decided she wants to completely replace many of the furnishings in her home. “The look of our living room, which includes the couch, love seat, and ottoman, just needs to be updated,” said Helman. “I love what Lisa did with their place and I think we could do something similar, but with the feel of our family, if you know what I mean.” We don’t, and apparently, Sara’s husband Brian doesn’t either. “I’m totally fine with how things are right now,” said Brian. “I’m not sure why things need to change.” Brian would prefer to make any changes after the kids are out of the house. “Why get new stuff for the kids to destroy? That’s what they are going to do. You know it, I know it. But, she wants to talk about it, and I’m just not ready for it.”
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Stapleton Man Quietly Hoping Neighbor Continues to Shovel His Walk This Winter

man hoping neighbor shovels walkKeith Plakke does a respectable job at keeping a nice home. He mows his lawn, does some weeding, waters the flowers, and so on. But the winter is a different story. “I hate the cold,” says Plakke. “I don’t like to work in it, drive in it, or be outside when it’s cold at all.” So, as Plakke looks towards the upcoming winter months with disdain, he was quickly reminded of how much he hates it after the recent fall snow. “Even getting dressed is more of a pain in the ass,” said Plakke. “Not to mention getting clothes on the kids. I mean, talk about adding time on to your day.” The one nice thing for Plakke about the winter is that he has a nice neighbor who typically shovels his sidewalk. “It’s a great deal,” says Plakke. “I patiently wait for him to go out and start shoveling, and then I walk out towards the very end, acting as if I was going to help. I’m always very thankful, of course. But, it’s Denver. That snow was going to melt in a few hours anyway, right?

Plakke is really hoping the goodwill of his neighbor continues. “If he just stops doing my shoveling, that could completely ruin my winter. I’m not even sure I own a shovel,” said Plakke. Plakke knows that the dead of winter is some months off, but worrying about the situation does cause him angst. “The waiting is the hardest part. Not knowing if I am going to have to do my own work or not. I almost want to just bring him a couple bottles of decent whiskey and sit down and talk about it. That way, it would finally be over.” Unfortunately for Plakke, winter is not.

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Stapleton Man Refusing to Host Gatherings Still Expects Others to Invite Him

man won't host guestsScott Strassburg enjoys being social and getting together with neighbors and friends. He will meet them at restaurants, bars, parks, house parties, and basically anywhere. That is, except his own house. “It’s not that I don’t like people, I just don’t want them in my house,” said Strassburg. “A lot of times they want to bring their kids. Have you seen what kids do to houses? They destroy them. Plus, I have to stress about what I have to get everyone to eat, drink, and so on. Then, there’s pre-hosting cleaning and post-hosting cleaning. It’s just a lot of stuff to do just to have a home game.” Strassburg says that he is flexible when it comes to small gatherings. “If it’s just a couple of the neighbor dudes without kids to watch a game, I’m totally in. It’s just the idea of having to put work and thought into it. Why add unnecessary stress?” Strassburg admits that although he refuses to ever host, he expects to continue to be invited to other parties. “I still think I’m a good enough guest that even though I don’t invite people to my place, I should still be invited to parties.”
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Vegas Night in Stapleton; What Happens in Stapleton, Stays in Stapleton

Casino NightProgress Coworking and Stapleton All Sports are sponsoring an evening of gambling, drinking, and dancing, with a chance to win lots of great prizes, at the first ever Vegas Night in Stapleton hosted by The Hangar at Stanley Marketplace. The event is on Friday, November 2nd, from 6:30 to 10:30, but the party will continue on in to the early morning hours at Stanley Beer Hall.
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Principal HOA: Residents Continue to Flee “Shithole” Stapleton Boroughs to Wicker Park, Willow Park East

shithole neighborhoodsPeople have been moving from one Stapleton neighborhood to another for over a decade. Recently, some neighborhoods have seen an increased number of residents moving out and up to the newer neighborhoods up north. “We’ve definitely noticed more people leaving the older neighborhoods, or shithole neighborhoods as we call them, to Willow Park East and Wicker Park,” said Principal HOA Spokesperson Janelle Ayers. “It just has that new neighborhood smell that everyone likes. Plus, East 29th Ave., Westerly Creek, and South End are just kind of shitholes.”

Although residents notice some of their neighbors have been moving north, they take exception to the Principle HOA calling their neighborhoods “shitholes.” “Did they actually refer to our neighborhood as a ‘shithole?’ questioned East 29th Avenue resident Dana Montgomery. “I mean, without us, there would be no Stapleton. We started this thing and we still love our neighbors and this borough. It’s hardly a shithole.” Westerly Creek resident Jim Shaffer was also taken aback by the comments made by the Principle HOA. “That’s a terribly irresponsible statement,” said Shaffer. “I mean, these are current residents who pay their HOA fees and help make Stapleton a great neighborhood. Almost not believable that a person of authority could call a region a shithole. Hopefully, no one else is okay with this.” Ayers has since backed off her original comments saying it’s just something they say and “really don’t mean anything by it.” “We did not mean to offend anyone,” said Ayers. “But the reality is, I bet when people go to local bars and talk to each other about Stapleton, they probably do call these older boroughs shitholes. So, they know what we’re talking about.”

Correction: An earlier version of this story had Ayers calling the neighborhoods “shithouses.” The term she used was “shithole” and the appropriate edits have been made. We apologize for the error.

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‘Hamilton’ Coming to The Cube

hamilton coming to cubeThe hit Broadway play ‘Hamilton’ is coming to the Buell theatre in March, but for most Denver area residents, there is really no chance of getting in to the quickly sold out show. People waited online for hours only to find out they were behind tens of thousands of people or heard the news by 3PM that tickets were sold out. “It was tough to hear as I had promised my wife we would get tickets,” said Stapleton resident Eric Heald. “I had two computers going and was trying to call in, but just no luck.” Area residents who were lucky enough to get tickets made sure to throw it in the faces of everyone else by posting their fortune on social media. “When I had my tickets confirmed, I immediately took a screen shot and posted it on Facebook so everyone would know that I was lucky and they weren’t,” said Stapleton resident Tiffany Bukatz. “It was such a great feeling.” In fact, so many people were ecstatic about getting their tickets you questioned what was better, Hamilton or the tickets themselves.
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Container Holding Hats and Gloves Getting Fucking Ridiculous

messy hats and glovesCold weather and snow has sporadically hit Denver, and that means it’s time to get out the gloves, hats, and boots. The Klingman family keeps all of these items in one big messy container. And the container is not just for the new items. The Klikngmans keep old gloves and boots that no longer fit the kids, or gloves they no longer use. Mom Dawn fully intends to sell the items on Swap as soon as she gets around to it. “We’ve just been so busy these last…well, several years,” said Dawn. “But, I will do it. I promise.” Some of the gloves no longer have pairs, or are so beat up no one would ever wear them, but have stayed in the container, nonetheless. There are even a couple hats and gloves that neighbor kids left years ago, but Dawn fully intends to someday return them. “I meant to text them that next day, but I just kept forgetting,” said Dawn. “I feel kind of bad now, but better late than never.”
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Stapleton Man Achieves Near Enlightenment After Box Cutter Purchase

box cutterBobby Travillian never thought a late night trip to Walmart could change his life, but after our interview with the local Stapleton family man, it’s clear he has all but achieved a state of near enlightenment.

“I was just there for milk and eggs and figured I’d swing through the tool aisle on my way out” Travillian, 39, said of the night in question.  He continued, “I had no intention of buying anything, just doing my usual fantasizing about various unfinished projects – then I spotted the box cutter.  Figured I’d give it a shot.”
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Stapleton Couple Thrilled to Finally Get Invite to Hang Out With Popular Group

popular groupSwigert parents Jim and Kelly Roberts have been waiting for years to be invited in to one of the popular Swigert groups. “We would see all the popular cliques hanging around talking at drop off and pick up and would wonder what it would take for us to get included,” said Kelly. “The girls were all so pretty and in shape, and just, you know, cool.” On several occasions Kelly said she had tried to interact with those in the group. “I would hear one of them say something that I could relate to and just try to throw myself in to the conversation,” said Kelly. “But, I was usually blown off pretty quickly, and would feel pretty dejected about the whole thing.” Although Kelly said she hoped she could one day be invited in to the cool group, she wasn’t holding her breath. “I felt like we must have missed our chance,” said Kelly. “At this point, I figured we were considered ‘not cool enough’ and we would just have to find other people outside of those circles to hang out with. But man, we really wanted to be with those in crowds.”
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