Breaking News: Greedy Denver Teachers Not Willing to Work for Unlivable Wages

2019 Strike

Okay, so it’s pretty hard to be snarky about such a ridiculous scenario, so I’m not going to be.  Many Denver students are at school today experiencing a much less than ideal scenario, with their regular teachers out of the classrooms striking.  Why are they striking?  Money.  Yes, this is about money.  Teachers are asking for a fair compensation program.  If you want to see how the current ProComp compensation program works click here.  If you made it through the video without screaming, “what?!” you did better than me.  Yes, that’s an actual video put out by DPS talking down to teachers as if they were 2nd graders.  And yes, it was approved by “voters” 15 years ago.

Imagine if your compensation plan at your job was decided by the general public.  The same general public who has no background in your industry and has never spent a day in your shoes doing your job.  Oh, and they did it 15 years ago.  Has anything changed in your company or your industry in 15 years?  One of the many disturbing things about the video was the “reimbursement” for ongoing education, which is part of how teachers increase their pay.  Unless I am missing something, it says the district will reimburse teachers up to $4,000 in a lifetime for continuing education.  I assume they also provide them with flux capacitors to travel back in time and go to college in the 19th century when $4,000 would have paid for something.

Almost everyone goes through financially stressful times in their lives.  Whether it be certain times of the year, making college choices for our kids, going through career transitions, major purchases, medical bills, major repairs, etc.  Now, think of how well you are able to focus on your profession during those times, when you are financially stressed.  Or, imagine how well you could do your career job if you had to work multiple jobs to survive.  By appropriately paying our teachers, we can immediately make them better by removing a little bit of the financial stress they deal with.

Another thing I don’t think people are addressing is that teaching is in a teacher’s DNA.  It’s not like it was the only job they were qualified for, so they thought, “I guess I’ll just be a teacher.”  They were drawn to helping people, specifically, helping our kids.  What’s the value of that to you or us as a society?  Having highly qualified, caring people, taking care of our kids, nine months a year, eight hours a day?  Teaching your kids to read, do math, problem solve, enjoy learning, and on and on.  Almost everyone who has kids, views their kids as the most valuable thing(s) in the world.  Their teachers are shaping them as people in a positive way.  Do we want teaching in Denver to turn in to a job people take to “just have a job?”

Finally, DPS states “The mission of the Denver Public Schools is to provide all students the opportunity to achieve the knowledge and skills necessary to become contributing citizens in our diverse society.”  So, ultimately, it’s about the kids, right?  So, let’s do what we can to keep our motivated, great Denver teachers taking care of our kids here in Denver.  Support the DCTA, and contact DPS leadership to let them know you want our exceptional, hard-working teachers back in schools doing what they want to be doing:  teaching our kids.

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Record One-Third of Shit Gets Done While Wife Out of Town

Man in kitchen

Man in kitchen

Stapleton woman Sarah Burns left town for a three-day work trip two weeks ago. Like many successful, working Stapleton women, Sarah occasionally has to travel. “It’s not too bad,” said Burns. “Usually, it’s just one to two days, but every once in a while, I have to be gone for three to four days. I miss the kids, but with technology, I can at least see them and talk to them.” When business women leave town, they have to trust their spouses to make sure everything gets done around the house. “There is so much going on with the kids,” said Burns. “School lunches, drop off and pick up, after school activities, breakfast and dinner, homework, housecleaning, and laundry, to name some of the things.”

With women traveling more and more, men are having to put down their beers, television remotes, and video game controllers to contribute to everything that needs to get done around the house. “It’s not that men can’t do the stuff, it’s just the totality of it,” said Shane Burns, Sarah’s husband. “I don’t like the idea that men can’t do anything, or that we’re just a bunch of helpless dummies. That’s simply not true. We just don’t like to multi-task. So usually some things get done right, and other things just don’t get started.” According to a recent study published in People magazine, while the woman of the house is gone, less than one-fourth (23%) of shit gets done around the house. The study sited reasons such as lack of effort, knowledge, interest, and overall wherewithal from the man’s perspective as main reasons for the drop-off in productivity to when the woman of the house is present. “I really believe they are giving their best effort,” said Sarah Burns. “It’s not out of malice. A lot of times, a man may not even know what shit needs to get done, or why that shit needs to get done. We could one day get there, but we have a ways to go.”

What gives Sarah hope is that while she was gone on her most recent work trip, Shane was able to get a record 33% of shit done. “I couldn’t believe it,” said Sarah. “I was blown away. Usually about 20% of shit gets done, but he almost doubled his normal production when I am gone.” The 33% of shit getting done in the Burns house while Sarah was gone is believed to be a record for all men getting shit done while their wife was out of town. “For me, it’s not about the record,” said Shane. “It’s just about getting better every day.” Shane is not exactly sure what he did to do so much better at getting shit done, but is planning on trying to rehash it and start a blog to help other households. “If husbands of women who travel for business can double their productivity in regards to shit getting done, well, the world is just going to be a better place.” It most certainly will, Shane.

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Stanley’s New “No Dinosaur” Policy Frustrating to Local Residents

no dinosRecently, Stanley Marketplace implemented a new policy where pets will no longer be allowed inside the building. The policy excludes service animals, but included and was not limited to dogs, cats, and even harmless dinosaurs. “We knew this would cause some backlash,” said Stanley spokesperson Kyle Strassburg. “Many of our patrons enjoyed bringing their friends, big and little, in to our place. But, with so many different animals, so many people, so many restaurants, it just became too much. We had to make a tough decision, and ultimately our animal friends are the ones who lost out.” Resident Jim Evers is having a hard time dealing with the change. “I used to bring my pet velociraptor in here all the time,” said Evers. “Some people were nervous around Cooper, but he is so sweet. It’s not like he’s a pit bull or anything. It was just great to let him hang out while I had a couple of beers at Cheluna. I definitely think this will hurt their business.”
Continue reading “Stanley’s New “No Dinosaur” Policy Frustrating to Local Residents”

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Traffic Reminder: Intersection at 25th & Dayton NOT a 4-Way Stop

4-way stopThe “Shortcut to Stanley” has become busier and busier since it opened just over a year ago. The only traffic on the road back then was headed straight to Stanley Marketplace or maybe to Amina Auto to fix a vehicle. Nowadays Stanley is attracting business from every direction, and people from Aurora are using Dayton as a through street. For the most part, this isn’t a big deal. Except that for some reason, a number of drivers insist on treating the intersection as if it is a 4-way stop. “So many times I am headed up Dayton to turn right to go to Stanley,” said Eastbridge resident Steve Nielson. “I’m waiting for the traffic on 25th traffic to clear, and suddenly, the driver just stops, waiting for me. That’s nice and all, but it’s not a 4-way stop.” Nielson says this has happened to him on several occasions. “There is a dip in the road there for sure, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop.”

Other residents have driven in to the same issue. “It’s really annoying, and dangerous,” says North Central Park resident Amber Gerber. “Why are they stopping? Are they going to go right when I do? Is someone going to go around them and hit me?” City officials have been alerted of the issue, and agree something needs to be done. “When I drove over there just to observe the sight, it happened to me first thing,” said Aurora City Traffic Engineer Mark Lewis. “It’s very likely we just add two stop signs and call it a day. Must be that our brains think there should be a stop sign there so just fill in the blank.” Until the issue is resolved, area drivers are reminded that they should obey actual street signs, not ones they think should be there.

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Eastbridge Man Pretends to Convert to Judaism to Avoid Putting Up Christmas Lights

menorahEastbridge continues to see its neighborhood Christmas decorations soar to new heights. People go as far as paying thousands of dollars to have them professionally decorated. Many people spend countless hours on the weekend going to the store to purchase new decorations and getting their arrangement just right for everyone to enjoy, not to mention bragging rights. This holiday season Eastbridge resident Mark Street decided to buy two menorahs and place them inside his two front window sills. “I really just got sick and tired of trying to keep up with the Jones’s, having to buy bigger and better Christmas lights every fucking year. It’s bad enough Christmas decorations go up the day after Halloween, even worse my next-door neighbor Jon just dropped $400 on an 8 foot blow-up Grinch. I purchased two Menorahs on sale for $89 on shop-judaica.com. There was no assembly required, and it took me five minutes to put the batteries in and set them up, which gave me the entire afternoon to watch college football and even a little time to play with my kids.”
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Stapleton Parents Forced to Rent Space to Hide Kids’ Presents

storage facility for presentsStapleton parents Stew and Carol Hogan promise to not go overboard every year. However, every Holiday Season, they find themselves in the same predicament with lots of presents and no place to put them. “We used to be able to hide them different places in the loft and the basement,” said Stew. “But, the kids are getting older, so they seem to be doing more ‘exploring’ so to speak. We can only put so many toys in Carol’s underwear drawer.” The couple had been shifting things from car to car, covering items with blankets, but it got to be too much. “Our neighbors used to hide things at their place as well,” said Carol. “But, they have so much stuff now, too. We couldn’t have their kids finding our kids’ stuff.”

Ultimately, the Hogans decided they needed a better temporary hiding solution. “We eventually went with a nearby storage facility in Aurora,” said Stew. “Sure, it adds more money to the Christmas expense, but it does remove a lot of the stress. The kids aren’t going to drive to the storage facility, find the correct compartment, and then have the key.” The Hogans also figured out a way to at least mitigate some of the cost. “We shared the idea with our neighbors, and they loved the idea. So, we just split the cost, and it works out great for everyone.” The Hogans could consider not going overboard every Christmas, but that’s just not going to happen.

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Grounded: Constellation Design Engineers Come to Terms with Fact That Structure Doesn’t Need to Fly

constellationConstellation Ice Cream has been under construction in the Eastbridge Town Center for quite some time. Engineers have struggled to finalize the project, and residents have been kept in the dark as to why the project hasn’t been completed. “What’s taking so long?” questioned Eastbridge resident Shane McCoy. “I’m not a business analyst, but getting this thing done in time for Christmas just doesn’t make sense.” North Central Park resident Nicci Doyle agrees. “We have ridden our bikes down there tens of times through the spring and summer to eat and have drinks, and it would have been nice to have some ice cream,” said Doyle. “But, the progress seems to always be very slow, and oddly methodical for an ice cream shop. Don’t you just need a roof, some eggs, milk, and sugar?”

The Stapletonion has been attempting to reach project managers of the Constellation for months, and recently were able to speak to the lead engineer of the project, Chris Evers. Turns out, the initial scope of the project wasn’t very simple. “We really wanted to create something special, not just an ordinary ice cream shop,” said Evers. “The creative design of the airplane wasn’t the end of it for us, it was the beginning. From the start, we intended that the shop, the airplane design, would actually be able to fly.” Ever’s engineering team spent months working out design issues and trying to figure out the best way to make their idea take flight. Ultimately, the project crashed, and Evers had to make some tough decisions. “We confronted the fact that ultimately, people just want to get their ice cream. They don’t need to be airborne to enjoy it,” said Evers. Finances also played a part in the decision. “We had sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars in to figuring out a way to not only have the plane be able to take off and land, but to have it be financially feasible. I mean, we couldn’t charge $75 for a cup of ice cream.”

After hearing the news, Stapleton residents were understandably disappointed. “Yeah, would have really been nice to enjoy the ice cream while flying over Stapleton,” said South End resident Dave Anderson. “But, I suppose I can just eat my ice cream on the ground, like people from other Denver neighborhoods.” Amy Beatty agrees that flight would have been nice, but having a fourth functional ice cream shop in Stapleton is more important. “Stapleton is used to having everything a little better, but as long as they have good ice cream, I will be happy, I guess,” said Beatty. Evers says that removing the “flying portion” of the shop will speed things up quite a bit, and patrons can expect to start getting their much awaited ice cream in the Eastbridge Town Center in early 2018. Who knows, maybe ice cream can just be enjoyed at 5,280 feet?

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DPS to Add Door to Door House Calls to Make Sure No One Misses Announcements

DPS to Knock on DoorsDenver Public schools recently announced they will continue to upgrade their communication strategy with their parents. “It is important for DPS to make sure we are making every effort in our communications with our parents,” said DPS Superintendent Tom Boasberg. “Now, instead of just getting an email, a Facebook announcement, a Twitter alert, a text, and a phone call, parents can expect a friendly knock on the door.” DPS is contracting out the service to a company providing bi-lingual employees to knock on doors of parents of the roughly 100,000 students attending DPS. “Improving communication has been a big part of our strategy, and this adds a big piece to that,” said Boasberg. “This is something I am pretty sure parents are going to appreciate.”

Stapleton residents made aware of the new strategy feel it is unnecessary. “I already hear from them in five different ways,” said Wicker Park resident Allison McGovern. “Besides, I’m not answering the door for a stranger, anyway.” Sara Gerbracht agrees. “Seems like a huge waste of money and resources,” said Gerbracht. “Shouldn’t that money be going in to the schools, not casing the parents to make sure not one person misses an announcement? They text, call, and email you. Who doesn’t have one of those services?” Boasberg says they will evaluate the strategy after this school year and make any necessary adjustments. “We understand not everyone will be home when we come to the door. We will leave fliers for those homes as an additional touch point,” said Boasberg. The new strategy is expected to add between $250-$500k worth of costs for the overburdened school system.

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Stapleton Teens Improving at Fortnite Faster than National Average

fortniteIn a study conducted by Johns Hopkins University, Stapleton kids have proven again they are ahead of the curve. Johns Hopkins took a sample of over ten million teenagers who play the popular waste of time, Fortnite, and tracked their improvement over an eight-month time period. “What we found is that most kids did got better after playing an average of four hours per day, which was expected,” said Dr. Bryan Farrell, lead researcher on the study. “Then, we spliced that down by age, number of hours played, and even ZIP codes. We weren’t sure what we were trying to learn necessarily, but kids waste so much time playing it, we figured we had to do some sort of study on it.”
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