Park Hill to Stapleton: “Train Horn Not as Irritating as Jet Engines”

train horn not as bad as jetsThe Central Park Station is in full throttle, and overall, Stapletonians are enjoying either taking the train or having it as an option. “Suddenly opening up every Lo-Do restaurant as a place to go to dinner is really cool,” said resident Amy DeLay. “We went down for Mother’s Day, and it was so easy and so much fun.” Other residents agree. “We will definitely see more Rockies games this season,” said Benjamin Dreesman. “Not having to worry about driving and parking is truly a game changer. Hell, I’m even considering seeing some Avs games this winter. I hope everyone will appreciate how great this train dealio is.”

Not all Stapleton residents are so enthused. “Westbound comes every 14 minutes and Eastbound every 24 minutes,” explains Central Park North resident Mark Wiley. “Which is great, except they sound that horn each time they approach the station. Is that necessary, or is it some sort of tradition? Just seems a little unnecessary.” North Eastbridge resident Dawn Buenger agrees. “It is pretty loud and annoying,” says Buenger. “Is it really that common for people just to walk out in front of a commuter train? They have bells at the station, too. Can’t we just have the bells? It is very disruptive to people close to the area.”

Park Hill residents remain fairly unaffected by the new transit system, but do have some encouraging news for Stapletonians. “I have lived in Park Hill for 30 years,” exclaimed Randy Day. “We used to have jets flying over our heads every five minutes. From 6AM until 11PM, every day. Now, I don’t know a ton about decibels, but I do know I would rather have a train horn once in a while than the constant sound of jets taking off and landing.” Long time Park Hill resident Eric Drenner also recalls the noise prior to the Stapleton Airport closing in 1995. “I can’t imagine a train could be any worse,” said Drenner. “My house would literally shake, almost all day. Does the train make your Stapleton house shake? Probably not. I guess my advice to Stapletonians would be to enjoy the quiet horn of progress, and be happy you never have to worry about a plane crashing down on your house.”

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BLM 5280 Requests Running Man at Central Park Station be Painted Black

white running manThe Denver activist group Black Lives Matter 5280 has requested Stapleton undergo a name change. Now, they’re upset with an art piece at Stapleton’s newly opened Central Park Station. “Really? A white running man?,” questioned BLM 5280 Spokesperson James Williams. “They could have thought through this one a little better. Do black people not take trains? Trust me, black people take the train. I think this is just another slap in the face from Stapleton and Forest City.”
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Downtown to be Renamed “Stapleton West?”

stapleton-westThe addition of the A-Line (or the University of Colorado A line as it so cumbrously called) has made it significantly easier for Stapleton residents to travel and explore downtown. So much so, that downtown Denver may be going through a name change. “The truth is, Stapleton is good for business,” said downtown Denver visitor’s bureau spokesperson Mandy Kohrt. “We want Stapletonians down here eating lunch, eating dinner, doing their shopping. We are also sensitive to the fact that Stapletonians don’t always like to leave Stapleton. Well, maybe making a slight name change to downtown Denver can alleviate both problems. They won’t have to ‘leave’ Stapleton, and downtown Denver increases revenue. Everyone wins.”
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MCA Increases Security…Military Style

MCA increasing securityNew MCA President Paul Harris is emphatic on his promises in regards to security and continues to deliver on those promises. “Residents remain concerned over the threat of possible crime here,” said Harris. “I have read reports saying crime is really not that bad. Maybe. But maybe not. We will continue to use our funds to stave off real and fictional threats to our citizenry.” Harris and the MCA recently entered a partnership with the Air Force and Buckley Air Force Base to conduct training and reconnaissance missions over Stapleton looking for suspects aiming to harm the Stapleton way of living. “The helicopters deployed are transport copters, not gunships,” explained Sargent Chris Meeter, who is overseeing the project. “There won’t be any shots fired into the neighborhood. We are here to assess threats, then if necessary, land and deploy special forces to end the threat.” Meeter says threats could be from package pirates, garage thieves, or possibly home intruders.
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Mowing Around Tiny Tree in Small Back Yard Becoming Big Pain in the Ass

MowingJason Gerber owns a Parkwood Home in the Bluff Lake neighborhood in Stapleton. Like many other Stapleton homes, Jason does not have much of a yard. In fact, there is even less than he started with. “We had a patio put in two falls ago,” said Gerber. “So, really all we have is the tiny little section in the back, and the small section in the front.” By looking at the yard, it would seem to be a pretty simple mow. But not according to Jason. “It’s almost too small. I mean, we have one annoying tree back there, and I have to circle around it, duck under its little braches, back into the gate. Then, I have to reverse my steps and go back the opposite way, usually getting a branch in my face. I mean, I just want to get rid of the whole back yard and turn it into a patio.”
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First Eastbridge Watchtower Nears Completion

watch-towerSix months ago, the MCA moved forward on a plan to construct a series of watch towers. After several delays, the first tower located close to the car wash in Eastbridge is almost completed. “This is just one of the many steps we are taking towards a safer Stapleton,” said MCA President Paul Harris. “This tower is more than a functional structure which will serve as a place for private security to scope out criminals and outsiders, it serves as a symbol of our strength as a community. No, you’re not going to take things out of our open garages, and no, you’re not going to loiter around our shops without an MCA card. This is a big first step, and a positive one.” Harris was not specific on how many other towers would be built but mentioned there would be “several.”

Many residents are not keen on the idea of having watchtowers throughout Eastbridge. “I think I would rather have the petty crime than have our neighborhood look like a jail yard,” said Eastbridge resident Lara Reisetter. “The one they have in the town center doesn’t look horrible, but if you put those all over the place and in parks, it starts looking pretty bad. This isn’t Gaza for crying out loud.” Resident Mark Ihm echoed those sentiments. “This is ridiculous,” said Ihm. “I never thought living here would be like living in a police state. Just a little too much.” The Next tower is expected to be raised at the park on the corner of 26th and Fulton.

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Stapleton Three Year Old Cries for Reason

three year old crying for reasonIn an almost unprecedented event, a Stapleton boy, aged three, had an actual reason to cry. “You can probably count the number of times this has been recorded on two hands,” said child psychologist Dr. Dave Price. “Typically, a three year old just cries randomly and sometimes when they are happy. To use a scientific term, it’s pretty fucked up.” Price said he has studied the emotional behavior of three year olds for over a decade and has seen thousands of three year olds crying, in person and in videos. “What makes this situation so unique is that the incident was caught on tape,” said Price. “Lots of people have sent me unverified statements about their three year old crying for a reason, but none had any hard evidence to back it up. It was all hearsay. What we have been looking for is video proof of a three year old crying for a legitimate reason.”
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