Next Door Alert: No One Gives a Sh#t About Your God Damn Cat

cat articleThe popular social media site Next Door is often used by Northeast Denver residents. The site allows people to buy and sell items, post events, and even has a lost and found. The most common use is alerting others to suspicious behavior or crime in the neighborhood to help others become aware of important information. If something is time sensitive, people can mark their posts “urgent.” If there is an accident, a serious crime situation, a missing dog, and sometimes even a missing child, people often mark these posts “urgent” so that the messages get delivered directly to people’s email boxes. The aforementioned situations absolutely qualify as urgent, and area residents should give these matters the appropriate amount of attention.

There are some situations where Next Door members are too liberal with the term “urgent” posting an item as urgent when the situation did not dictate it. The most common involves a missing feline. “I hate getting urgent emails from Next Door only to find out someone’s old cat is missing,” said Next Door user Skylar Walsworth. “It’s extremely annoying. I’m expecting to see big news on a crime in progress, but it’s just that someone let their senile house cat slip out. Sorry, can’t help you.” Stapleton resident and Next Door user Kate Hanson feels the same way. “It’s a cat,” exclaimed Hanson. “And no, a missing cat and a missing dog are not the same thing. First off, they’re from totally different suborders. Secondly, you can easily tell dogs apart. And finally, people like dogs.” Next Door user Eric Miller has a possible solution to the “urgent” missing cat issue. “Why not add it as a user group,” suggests miller. “You could choose if you want to hear about missing cats, or any animals really. If you care about cats, you will get all of the “urgent” missing cat notices. If you don’t care for them, you won’t be burdened with the emails.” However, the rule of thumb for users should be they understand no one gives a sh#t about god damn cats.

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Hot Mom Clique Locks Up Free Agent to Three Year Deal

hot mom cliqueStapleton people are competitive with everything. Their homes, cars, vacations, parties, and of course, their kids. But, no area is more dog eat dog than the competitive world of hot mom cliques. The Stapleton hot mom league boasts 18 different cliques, each trying to out-hot the others. Teams vie for the title of hottest clique by continuously adding and discarding “players (hot moms).” Often trades are even made. Once on a team, organizations share secrets to players on how to stay hot, whether it be skin care, diets, fitness strategies, what to wear, and of course, elective procedures. The fight to get free agent hot moms, those who aren’t currently on one of the hot mom teams, can be brutal, and the stakes are high. “We are always scouting new potential teammates,” said hot mom clique leader Amanda Baird. “We put our best foot forward and let them know what we can offer so that we get the unofficial title of hottest mom clique.” Other groups go as far as to pay off real estate agents. “If a hot mom moves into the neighborhood, we want to be the first to know about it,” said clique leader and CrossFit guru Maria Propp. “So, yeah, we have a large group of real estate agents we pay off so we can be the first to introduce ourselves. First impressions are important.”
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Stapleton Mom Making Smooth Transition from Children’s Butler to Children’s Chauffeur

mom ChauffeurStapleton mom Christine Morningstar has worked for roughly 12 years as a butler for her two boys, ages 10 and 13. She has provided meals, cleaned rooms, done laundry and many other tasks to help the boys any way she could. Overall, it has been a very gratifying experience for her. “I’ve really enjoyed this job,” said Morningstar. “Of course, it can be a grind, but I really do love these boys and would do anything for them. I think what makes any job special is who you work with, and these kids have been great to work with.” As the boys have grown older, their needs have changed, however. They are not as picky with meals, they clean their own rooms, and have even started trying to do their own laundry. “I knew my position was getting downsized,” said Morningstar. “So, we sat down to talk about where the organization was headed, and if there was somewhere else I could fit in.”
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Stapleton Parents Comfortable With Child Not Being Best at Everything

boy not the bestStapleton parents Dana and Bryan Phillips have a five year old boy who is similar to most Stapleton five year olds. Max enjoys playing at the park, going to the pool, and spending time with his friends. When Max is with his Stapleton friends, you almost can’t tell the one area in which Max is completely different than his buddies in the neighborhood. Max is not the best at everything he does. “We love Max so much,” said Dana. “He is good at a lot of things, but we know he is not the best at everything. I know that is a weird thing for a Stapleton parent to say, but we know it’s true, and we have to be honest with ourselves.”
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Denver Stapleton Throws Counter Punch at Aurora Stapleton

Emporia or DaytonWith the Shortcut to Stanley preparing to open soon, neighboring cities Denver and Aurora have had issues settling on the street name of the new road. “From our standpoint, it’s not an issue at all,” said City of Aurora engineer Kevin McCoy. “This is in Aurora, so we get to name the street. Denver can name any street they want, but not ones in the City of Aurora. We will take care of that on our end.” Denver city Engineer Luke White disagrees. “Their city?” asked White. “If it wasn’t for Stapleton, the real one, not Stapleton Aurora, no one would even care about that part of Aurora. Hell, Aurora didn’t care about that part of Aurora until Stapleton came along. So, yeah, we feel like we should get some input there and the Stapleton street, Emporia, should keep the name as it goes through to the Stanley. Bringing Stapleton people, to a Stapleton project.”

Aurora ignored Denver’s requests and ultimately hitched a street sign branding the street Dayton Way. “It was pretty disrespectful,” said White. “They didn’t so much as reply to our requests to discuss it. It was pretty childish and frustrating. But, you know, I guess you fight fire with fire.” Denver responded by placing a massive concrete bench with the name “Emporia Street” etched on it. “It’s not going to be fun trying to move that thing,” White said with a grin. “Let’s see if they have anything left in their arsenal.” McCoy did not let on what Aurora will do next, but admitted there will be a response. “This thing is going to escalate quickly,” said McCoy. “We’re just getting started.” Looks like the border wars are back in a big way.

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Noise Wall Dead; Bullet-Proof Wall Now On Table

Noise wallThe proposed noise wall for MLK Blvd. east of Ironton was defeated last week with almost three-quarters of residents voting against the concept. Residents were concerned with poor routes for pedestrians, blocked views, potential for graffiti, and just the overall tackiness of the project. “I don’t want a wall in my backyard,” said resident Nikki Dove. “It just looks really trashy. It’s like building a golf ball barrier but not being able to see the golf course.” Resident Cori Focht expressed similar concerns. “I found myself thinking we would always be wondering, ‘what is going on on the other side of that wall,’” said Focht. “I’m sure, like most people in this area, we will complain about not having one in five years, but for now, I’m glad the measure didn’t pass.”
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Eastbridge Resident Possibly Professional Dog Walker of Own Dog

professional dog walkerIt’s not unusual to see anyone in Stapleton walking with a dog. Stapleton has an abundance of dog owners and walkers. However, Eastbridge residents have noticed one man’s dog walking habits which are a little unusual. The unidentified man takes his smaller, mixed breed dog on a lot of walks. Lots and lots of walks. I mean, an inordinate amount of walks. Some residents even believe the guy is a professional dog walker. “I would see this same guy walking around F-15 park all the time,” said area resident David Meeter. “He was always walking a dog, so I assumed he was just a professional dog walker. But, I eventually noticed, it was the same dog every time. He can’t be a professional dog walker for just one dog, can he?” Laura Campbell noticed the same thing. “He is always by himself, walking a dog five to seven times a day,” said Campbell. “I’m a stay at home mom, so I’m often at the park with my kids. What’s this guy do? He has to be a professional dog walker. But, after a while, I noticed it’s the same dog.” Both Meeter and Campbell also recognized the man doesn’t seem cheerful. “If it is in fact his dog, and he’s not a professional dog walker, he’s not very happy to be walking that dog,” said Meeter. “He just seems really uptight for a dog owner,” said Campbell.
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Stapleton Pools Drained After Complaints

SONY DSC

SONY DSC

Residents who frequent Stapleton’s variety of aquatic options have several things in common: they like to drink beer, they like to bring their kids, and they don’t like to get wet. To even the most casual observer, Stapletonians lounging around the pool are curiously dry and seem to have a cat-like aversion to water. This has recently manifested itself in myriad complaints to the MCA and the lifeguards it employs that they do not like being splashed by the scores of children romping, playing, and laughing in the water.
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