Stapletonians Consider Paying $15/month to Become Whiter, More Snobbish

stapleton trying to get whiterA recent Front Porch article discusses the possibility of Stapletonians hiring a private security patrol to help monitor crime around the area. “I am so sick of not being able to leave my garage open and house unlocked without worrying someone could non-violently take something,” said Central Park West resident Shane Klunder. “Something has to be done about all of this declining, non-violent crime.” Residents hoping to add private security to the neighborhood cite the number of social media posts they see regarding package theft and suspicious behavior. “Every day you see something on Next Door or Stapleton Community Watch in regards to crime,” said resident Lesley Brody. “When you see these posts, especially the ones with visuals, it really gets me nervous. Sure, it’s a package today, but it could be a kid tomorrow.” Ken Dawley also likes the idea of some extra eyes in Stapleton. “I’m always happy when I see the horse patrols or police cars driving around,” said Dawley. “But is it enough?

According to the Denver Police Department (DPD), it is. “The truth is, there really isn’t a lot these private patrols do aside from take money and call police when they see a crime,” said DPD Lieutenant Rob Clark. “The types of crimes that are being committed typically aren’t deterred by these types of security patrols. It is really hard to tell if someone belongs on a porch or a bike without stopping them and asking them if it belongs to them. Plus, criminals really aren’t scared by these private security firms.” Estimates have shown that adding security detail to the MCA fees would be between $12 and $15 per month. For the detractors, it isn’t the cost that worries them.

“There is nothing whiter than private security detail,” said resident Ben Hruska. “It basically confirms the stereotypes people have of Stapletonians. That we live in a bubble, we think we are better than others, and we are predominantly white. Why do we want to support a negative stereotype of ourselves?” Eastbridge resident James Fobian is also against adding private security. “For me, it’s not about the money,” said Fobian. “I know most people in the community would hardly notice the $15 a month. But, I have an idea. How about we still pay the $15 per month, you lock your cars, houses and garages like normal people who live in a major US City (Denver is the 19th largest US City and growing fast) and with that $15 we get to not feel like stuck up, whitey pricks? Maybe we could take that $15 a month and donate it to charitable causes in surrounding communities in need?” Shena Sullivan feels the security concept is misguided as well. “Even if I thought it would help, I don’t like the idea,” said Sullivan. “It just feels wrong and gross. There are people here who can afford living in a gated community, then fine, move to a gated community. I would rather open Stapleton up than lock it down.”

There is no timetable on if and when Stapleton would hire private security detail, but residents can give feedback through the SUN Survey by clicking on the provided link. To be white or to be whiter? That is the question.

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Stapleton Couple Tries to Rid Selves of Unruly Toddler

unruly two year oldBrian Meehan and his wife Mindy are a successful Stapleton couple. He, a dentist, and she, a lawyer aspiring to be a homemaker, have a cute two year old pure bred toddler they “just can’t take care of anymore,” says Brian, the father. “All of our friends had toddlers, so we thought we should get one. We figured we were fit to have one after doing some research on what it takes, so we jumped right in.” Somehow, things took a turn for the worse. The toddler became too much for the couple to handle. Cannon, the toddler, is a cute two year old who acts age appropriately and seems to bring joy to the family. But, as the couple found out, taking care of a toddler is more work than it seems.
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Eastbound MLK Crosswalk Placed at Exactly Most Dangerous Spot

dangerous intersectionThe crosswalk positioned to help get residents across busy (soon to be busier) MLK to the new Eastbridge Town Center has been positioned at the exact spot considered to be the most dangerous. “It could be off by inches or maybe a foot, but that placement is precisely the most dangerous spot for pedestrians to be crossing,” concluded city engineer Ryan Travillian. “That spot is going to cause drivers and pedestrians a lot of angst.” Travillian isn’t sure why the walk was placed in that area, but agrees that the placement could have a long-term negative impact. “Drivers come around a blind corner and have no time to slow down or even know a crosswalk there,” said Travillian. “Pedestrians or bikers often have blind faith in crosswalks and believe that when that light shows the little crossing guy, they are completely good to go. These two factors I believe are like fire and gasoline. And at the exact right spot.”
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Speed Sign on Central Park Boulevard Needs to Calm the F*ck Down

Speed signIf you are reading this, the odds are you have driven north on Central Park Boulevard heading towards Northfield.  Of the handful of things that can be a little annoying on this stretch, by far the most irritating is the speed sign. “I really hate that damn thing,” says Stapleton resident Jacob Essex. “I mean, it flashes when you are going one mile an hour over 30. Really? Is the flashing necessary? Relax. It’s one mile per hour, you jackass sign.” Other residents have the exact same experience. “If that sign was a grown man, I would pull over and kick it’s ass,” said Mike Davis. “Why are you flashing at me? Oh, you’re mad because I am going four miles per hour over the speed limit. Well, sign, I think you need to calm your shit.”

Ultimately, the sign probably accomplishes its goal of keeping residents driving slower and safer on this small stretch, but in the long run, may be causing more damage. “After I see that sign, I am so pissed off, once I get through that annoying stretch, I drive aggressive and mean,” said driver Brad Gerbracht. “Who does that sign think it is to yell at me for driving two miles an hour over the speed limit? Relax, jerkoff.” Some residents have considered removing the sign themselves. “I have absolutely thought about heading out there late at night and tearing that sign down,” said a Stapleton resident speaking on condition of anonymity. “I am just worried that it will somehow get caught on tape, and I will get busted for kicking a sign’s ass.” Finally. Something all Stapleton residents can agree on. The sign can stay, but the unnecessary flashing, well, that has to go.

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Eastbridge Sign Helps Drivers to Beware of Dangerous “Street” Tottering Trend

street totteringA new and dangerous trend among Stapleton youth is being called “street tottering.” Kids are creating makeshift teeter totters and putting them in the middle of streets, disrupting traffic. “It’s really dangerous,” said resident Kevin Tracy. “I have seen this all over Stapleton, not just in Eastbridge. It’s pretty crazy, and I wish parents would teach their little ones that pranks like this are extremely dangerous.” Kim Sellers has also noticed an increase of kids playing in the street, in particular, teeter tottering. “What kind of parents are allowing their kids to play in the street, completely unsupervised?” asked Sellers. “This is crazy. And it’s not just during the day. I’ve seen kids out street tottering around five. I really hope this sign brings the appropriate attention to parents. I wonder if we need more of them.”

To date, no kids have been hurt, but community members are worried that is coming. “Never mind where they are doing it,” stated Dean Carrol. “Even without doing it in the street, teeter tottering can be really dangerous. One kid jumps off with the other kid is in the air, feet get trapped, butts get hurt, etc. A lot of things can go wrong on a teeter totter. Then, adding the street element makes it even crazier.” Some parents are wondering if this is a new way for elementary kids to get a rush. “Maybe this is something they are doing to get a kind of high,” said Selleers. “I don’t know. But it needs to stop.” Community organizations will continue to help parents become aware of the issue and encourage parents to keep their kids off the streets and off the teeter totters.

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“Shortcut to Stanley” Opening Soon

dayton-stIf you have been frustrated with the limited number of routes to drive to Stanley, you can look forward to a direct route very soon. Dayton Way will soon connect 26th Ave. to 25th Ave., making an almost direct route to the Stanley Marketplace. “It’s very exciting,” said resident Brock Beener. “It’s been tough having to go down to Fulton. It just seems like you are going way out of your way to get there. This could cut down maybe two minutes of the drive there.” Resident Stacy Roberts agrees. “There are times we have opted not to go because of the thought of having to go all the way down to Fulton,” said Roberts. “Plus, it’s a few extra blocks of having to be in Aurora, which no one wants.”

Some residents wonder if the space could have been used more wisely. “I love Stanley as much as anyone,” said resident Lisa Harper. “But I don’t think a half mile extra driving is that big of a deal. I would prefer to keep the green space.” Matt Gill also wishes the space would have been used in another manner. “Why not just have an open area of flat, green grass?” asked Gill. “Is that too much to ask? We don’t need a playground or a hill or a trail, just give us people without a yard another place to go do stuff.” Dayton Way looks to open in the next couple of weeks. The new road does come with wide sidewalks on either side for those who need a little extra biking room on their way home from Cheluna.

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