Cookie Wars: Scout Troops Fight Over Disputed Territory

girl scout cookiesGirl Scout cookie sales officially started a couple weeks ago, and Scouts and their parents were out in full force pushing their delicious goodies on Stapleton residents. This is typically a happy time of the year, where adults get to see cute little ones sell cookies, and of course, eat the cookies as well. There are several different scout troops within the borders of Stapleton, and troops have long kept the peace by negotiating sales territories. However, this year, violence erupted when a girl scout from troop 338 noticed a girl from troop 1265 selling cookies within what she considered a 338 territory in Bluff Lake.

“What are you doing in our back yard?” yelled Kendall Miller. “This is 338 territory. You best be on your way, and I can pretend I never saw this.” A defiant Rylie DeGroot yelled back, “Not anymore. The 1265 has decided to open this area back up. This is now anyone’s game. Didn’t you hear?” More words were shouted as the two girls quickly approached each other. Suddenly, the girls began fighting. Cookies went flying, dollar bills flew into the air along with sales sheets. It was chaos. When the girls were finally separated, they both knew this was only the beginning of the violence. Troop 338 was not only going to protect their territory, but now they would also feel entitled to sell in 1265’s territory.

What started as a small skirmish between two girls has started a massive war between scouts from several troops. As girls from troop 338 and 1265 continue to invade and sell in each other’s territories, other troops have begun waring over territories as well, looking to protect and expand their territories. “This is not what the Girl Scouts of America are about,” said local troop leader Nikki Larson. “We should be supporting each other, not fighting. But, to those not honoring their territory commitments, you are going to get a beat down.” There is no sense of when and if the violence will end, but experts believe the only way to stop it is for residents to continue to buy cookies. “Once the cookies are gone, violence should subsist, and scout leaders will come back to the table to redefine territories,” said organized crime expert Dave Cox. “But, we need to get those cookies off the streets, people. We must continue to buy those cookies. It’s our only hope.”

*Editor’s Note:  If your cookie supplies are running low, please contact The Stapletonion at stapletonion@gmail.com, and we will get you hooked up.  We got what you need. 

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After Trying to ‘Get Together’ for Six Years, Stapleton Couples Finally ‘Get Together’

couples finally get togetherThe Fredricks and Jackson couples have known each other for a long time, seeing each other at various gatherings such as school fundraisers, holiday parties, or just running into each other at the Berk. They always have a fun, easy-going conversations, and appear to have a lot in common. “We always thought they seemed so nice and fun,” said Julie Fredricks. “You could just tell they were good people.” The Jacksons feel the same way about the Fredricks. “Great sense of humor,” said Mike Jackson. “We are always trying to find fun couples to hang out with, and you could tell they were fun.” The couples would talk and laugh, and when they had to leave, they always ended the conversation the same way; “we need to get together sometime.”
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Busy Resident Struggling to Understand How Neighbor Keeps House Clean

clean houseKristen Bauer is very similar to her neighbor Justine Winga. They both have two kids, are active stay at home moms who exercise and keep busy social calendars. They are both heavily involved in their children’s’ schools including the PTA and fundraisers. On top of it all, they are really good friends. But one thing seems to really be bothering Bauer lately. “How in the hell is Justine’s house always so clean?” Bauer Wonders. “We both basically have the same schedule, and I know she doesn’t have a cleaning lady more than me. Her kids and husband are just as lazy as my family, so why is it that every time I stop by her house, everything is perfectly clean?” Bauer says the cleanliness applies all the time, not just for scheduled visits. “It would be one thing if everything was just neat and picked up when they had us over for dinner. That makes sense. But, if I stop by unexpectedly to borrow a stick of butter, that damn place is spotless. How in the hell is that possible?”
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Getting Into Orange Theory Class Harder than Actual Workout

stapleton orange theoryOrange Theory fitness continues to grow as they now have hundreds of studios operating in 46 states. Colorado alone has roughly 25 studios. Members rave about the results and about the challenge of the workouts. “I absolutely love everything about it,” said Member Stephanie Jepsen. “I really enjoy the workouts, and love how it tracks what you are doing. Really gives you that sense of accomplishment when you are done.” Troy McFarlane agrees. “I enjoy the intense atmosphere,” said McFarlane. “The group environment is neat as well. And I like that it allows you to compete with yourself and really push yourself.” But don’t let the good times fool you. The classes are meant to be hard. “They are definitely killer workouts,” said Jepsen. “I have done all sorts of exercise regiments, and they really work you.”

In fact, according to McFarlane, the only thing harder than the class, is finding space in a class that works with your schedule. “A lot of people who work have similar schedules,” said McFarlane. “So, we all try to get into the same classes, which makes it incredibly hard to get into a class time that works for you. I mean, if you are trying to sign up for the 6:30 class the day before, forget about it. You have no chance. And that’s pretty much the same with the 11:45 and the 5:30. Those are just really hard times to get into a class there. In fact, I think getting a preferred time in the class is harder than the class itself, and the classes are pretty hard.” Jepsen agrees. “I’m not a morning person, but the 6:30 class is perfect, given my schedule. I mean, no way I’m getting up at five. But, apparently, several hundred other people feel the same way, so getting into that class is almost impossible. Sometimes, I work from home just so I can go to the 9:15 class, which doesn’t seem as hard to get into.”

McFarlane and Jepsen both agree they will continue to work hard to get into the classes. “You know, it just adds to the challenge,” said McFarlane. “It’s a reminder of how great the class is and how hard it is. Which starts with getting into a class in the first place.”

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Groundhog Hears Shadow; Train Horn to Blast for Six More Months

groundhog hears shadowIn a recent Front Porch article, RTD acknowledged the A Line train horn would be blaring for at least another six months. They came to this conclusion after using the most sophisticated technology at their fingertips; the groundhog. “We have a groundhog, named Thomas,” explained RTD spokesperson Tina Jaquez. “Every six months or so we pull him out to see if he hears his shadow. If he hears his shadow, we know it will be at least six more months where we will have to use the train horn to alert people at the crossings.” The Federal Railroad Administration (FRA) says the A Line is not up to safety standards in regards to crossing gates going up and down in a timely manner. “We need to fix a few bugs,” says Jaquez. “But, we really don’t know how to fix those things. It probably seems like it would be easy, given the technological advances of today, but we just aren’t sure where to start. So, we will keep using the groundhog until we get a better idea.”
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Forest City Proves Bridges Can Be Placed Anywhere for Any Reason

Random BridgeTwo weeks ago, Forest City set down a pedestrian bridge near Prairie Meadow Dr. and 51st Ave.. The bridge, in sync with other bridges Forest City has placed, seems to serve no purpose at all. “What the hell is a bridge doing there?” asked Stapleton resident Chris Royal. “There is nothing there. What are they trying to connect? I have to believe that is pretty expensive and a big waste of money.” Laura Grossman also sees the bridge as a waste of resources. “They have been working on the 26th Ave. Park forever,” said Grossman. “Why put any resources into putting down a bridge that doesn’t do anyone any good? How about a pedestrian bridge from the Eastbridge neighborhood to the town center instead of those dangerous crossings?”

For its part, Forest City seems to be impressed with its work. “What we did is really kind of amazing,” said Forest City spokesperson Janelle Ayers. “We took a bridge and placed it basically in the middle of nowhere, for no apparent reason. Now, we have to figure out how we need to design around the bridge. A lot of people do it the other way. Create the surrounding environment and then decide if and how to put a bridge in.” Ayers didn’t offer any information on why the bridge was being placed there. “Maybe just because we can,” said Ayers smugly. “Look, this is a big thing, building a bridge. This is just another addition to the many wonderful bridges in Stapleton.” Forest City says the bridge will be open to the public by late April, but they are not sure why anyone would need to ever walk on it.

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My Struggles to Categorize 63 Million People

trump votersLike many people, I have struggled for over a year to understand how anyone could support Donald Trump. Yet, 63 million people voted for him in the 2016 Presidential election. Donald Trump is our current President and problem, but the solution isn’t simply getting him out of office. It goes much deeper than that. We need to understand who these 63 million voters are and why they felt compelled to vote for a man not qualified to run a country and who has no moral backbone. Over the last six months, I have been on my own journey trying to wrap my head around why anyone would vote for someone so vile, unintelligent, and narcissistic. Through reading and conversations with people on both sides of the campaign, I am continually evolving in my understanding of these 63 million voters.

Some of these voters can be easily and obviously grouped into buckets such as those so fiscally conservative they could never vote for a Democrat, or those social conservatives who believe liberals are destroying America’s moral fiber, and of course those who simply didn’t want a “liberal” nominating Supreme Court Justices. Other small buckets include those who hate the Clintons and those who are worried Democrats care going to take their guns. Most certainly, some of the 63 million voters go into these buckets. And although I don’t agree with any of those positions, I can at least comprehend why these voters went with Trump. But, I strongly believe these voters make up only a small percentage of the total Trump vote. So, we must press on.
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