Grounded: Constellation Design Engineers Come to Terms with Fact That Structure Doesn’t Need to Fly

constellationConstellation Ice Cream has been under construction in the Eastbridge Town Center for quite some time. Engineers have struggled to finalize the project, and residents have been kept in the dark as to why the project hasn’t been completed. “What’s taking so long?” questioned Eastbridge resident Shane McCoy. “I’m not a business analyst, but getting this thing done in time for Christmas just doesn’t make sense.” North Central Park resident Nicci Doyle agrees. “We have ridden our bikes down there tens of times through the spring and summer to eat and have drinks, and it would have been nice to have some ice cream,” said Doyle. “But, the progress seems to always be very slow, and oddly methodical for an ice cream shop. Don’t you just need a roof, some eggs, milk, and sugar?”

The Stapletonion has been attempting to reach project managers of the Constellation for months, and recently were able to speak to the lead engineer of the project, Chris Evers. Turns out, the initial scope of the project wasn’t very simple. “We really wanted to create something special, not just an ordinary ice cream shop,” said Evers. “The creative design of the airplane wasn’t the end of it for us, it was the beginning. From the start, we intended that the shop, the airplane design, would actually be able to fly.” Ever’s engineering team spent months working out design issues and trying to figure out the best way to make their idea take flight. Ultimately, the project crashed, and Evers had to make some tough decisions. “We confronted the fact that ultimately, people just want to get their ice cream. They don’t need to be airborne to enjoy it,” said Evers. Finances also played a part in the decision. “We had sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars in to figuring out a way to not only have the plane be able to take off and land, but to have it be financially feasible. I mean, we couldn’t charge $75 for a cup of ice cream.”

After hearing the news, Stapleton residents were understandably disappointed. “Yeah, would have really been nice to enjoy the ice cream while flying over Stapleton,” said South End resident Dave Anderson. “But, I suppose I can just eat my ice cream on the ground, like people from other Denver neighborhoods.” Amy Beatty agrees that flight would have been nice, but having a fourth functional ice cream shop in Stapleton is more important. “Stapleton is used to having everything a little better, but as long as they have good ice cream, I will be happy, I guess,” said Beatty. Evers says that removing the “flying portion” of the shop will speed things up quite a bit, and patrons can expect to start getting their much awaited ice cream in the Eastbridge Town Center in early 2018. Who knows, maybe ice cream can just be enjoyed at 5,280 feet?

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DPS to Add Door to Door House Calls to Make Sure No One Misses Announcements

DPS to Knock on DoorsDenver Public schools recently announced they will continue to upgrade their communication strategy with their parents. “It is important for DPS to make sure we are making every effort in our communications with our parents,” said DPS Superintendent Tom Boasberg. “Now, instead of just getting an email, a Facebook announcement, a Twitter alert, a text, and a phone call, parents can expect a friendly knock on the door.” DPS is contracting out the service to a company providing bi-lingual employees to knock on doors of parents of the roughly 100,000 students attending DPS. “Improving communication has been a big part of our strategy, and this adds a big piece to that,” said Boasberg. “This is something I am pretty sure parents are going to appreciate.”

Stapleton residents made aware of the new strategy feel it is unnecessary. “I already hear from them in five different ways,” said Wicker Park resident Allison McGovern. “Besides, I’m not answering the door for a stranger, anyway.” Sara Gerbracht agrees. “Seems like a huge waste of money and resources,” said Gerbracht. “Shouldn’t that money be going in to the schools, not casing the parents to make sure not one person misses an announcement? They text, call, and email you. Who doesn’t have one of those services?” Boasberg says they will evaluate the strategy after this school year and make any necessary adjustments. “We understand not everyone will be home when we come to the door. We will leave fliers for those homes as an additional touch point,” said Boasberg. The new strategy is expected to add between $250-$500k worth of costs for the overburdened school system.

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Stapleton Teens Improving at Fortnite Faster than National Average

fortniteIn a study conducted by Johns Hopkins University, Stapleton kids have proven again they are ahead of the curve. Johns Hopkins took a sample of over ten million teenagers who play the popular waste of time, Fortnite, and tracked their improvement over an eight-month time period. “What we found is that most kids did got better after playing an average of four hours per day, which was expected,” said Dr. Bryan Farrell, lead researcher on the study. “Then, we spliced that down by age, number of hours played, and even ZIP codes. We weren’t sure what we were trying to learn necessarily, but kids waste so much time playing it, we figured we had to do some sort of study on it.”
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Stapleton Man Doesn’t Have Energy to Discuss Home Furnishings with Wife

man lacks energy to discuss house furnishingsAfter recently seeing a friend’s house, Sara Helman decided she wants to completely replace many of the furnishings in her home. “The look of our living room, which includes the couch, love seat, and ottoman, just needs to be updated,” said Helman. “I love what Lisa did with their place and I think we could do something similar, but with the feel of our family, if you know what I mean.” We don’t, and apparently, Sara’s husband Brian doesn’t either. “I’m totally fine with how things are right now,” said Brian. “I’m not sure why things need to change.” Brian would prefer to make any changes after the kids are out of the house. “Why get new stuff for the kids to destroy? That’s what they are going to do. You know it, I know it. But, she wants to talk about it, and I’m just not ready for it.”
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Stapleton Man Quietly Hoping Neighbor Continues to Shovel His Walk This Winter

man hoping neighbor shovels walkKeith Plakke does a respectable job at keeping a nice home. He mows his lawn, does some weeding, waters the flowers, and so on. But the winter is a different story. “I hate the cold,” says Plakke. “I don’t like to work in it, drive in it, or be outside when it’s cold at all.” So, as Plakke looks towards the upcoming winter months with disdain, he was quickly reminded of how much he hates it after the recent fall snow. “Even getting dressed is more of a pain in the ass,” said Plakke. “Not to mention getting clothes on the kids. I mean, talk about adding time on to your day.” The one nice thing for Plakke about the winter is that he has a nice neighbor who typically shovels his sidewalk. “It’s a great deal,” says Plakke. “I patiently wait for him to go out and start shoveling, and then I walk out towards the very end, acting as if I was going to help. I’m always very thankful, of course. But, it’s Denver. That snow was going to melt in a few hours anyway, right?

Plakke is really hoping the goodwill of his neighbor continues. “If he just stops doing my shoveling, that could completely ruin my winter. I’m not even sure I own a shovel,” said Plakke. Plakke knows that the dead of winter is some months off, but worrying about the situation does cause him angst. “The waiting is the hardest part. Not knowing if I am going to have to do my own work or not. I almost want to just bring him a couple bottles of decent whiskey and sit down and talk about it. That way, it would finally be over.” Unfortunately for Plakke, winter is not.

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Stapleton Man Refusing to Host Gatherings Still Expects Others to Invite Him

man won't host guestsScott Strassburg enjoys being social and getting together with neighbors and friends. He will meet them at restaurants, bars, parks, house parties, and basically anywhere. That is, except his own house. “It’s not that I don’t like people, I just don’t want them in my house,” said Strassburg. “A lot of times they want to bring their kids. Have you seen what kids do to houses? They destroy them. Plus, I have to stress about what I have to get everyone to eat, drink, and so on. Then, there’s pre-hosting cleaning and post-hosting cleaning. It’s just a lot of stuff to do just to have a home game.” Strassburg says that he is flexible when it comes to small gatherings. “If it’s just a couple of the neighbor dudes without kids to watch a game, I’m totally in. It’s just the idea of having to put work and thought into it. Why add unnecessary stress?” Strassburg admits that although he refuses to ever host, he expects to continue to be invited to other parties. “I still think I’m a good enough guest that even though I don’t invite people to my place, I should still be invited to parties.”
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Vegas Night in Stapleton; What Happens in Stapleton, Stays in Stapleton

Casino NightProgress Coworking and Stapleton All Sports are sponsoring an evening of gambling, drinking, and dancing, with a chance to win lots of great prizes, at the first ever Vegas Night in Stapleton hosted by The Hangar at Stanley Marketplace. The event is on Friday, November 2nd, from 6:30 to 10:30, but the party will continue on in to the early morning hours at Stanley Beer Hall.
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