Principal HOA: Residents Continue to Flee “Shithole” Stapleton Boroughs to Wicker Park, Willow Park East

shithole neighborhoodsPeople have been moving from one Stapleton neighborhood to another for over a decade. Recently, some neighborhoods have seen an increased number of residents moving out and up to the newer neighborhoods up north. “We’ve definitely noticed more people leaving the older neighborhoods, or shithole neighborhoods as we call them, to Willow Park East and Wicker Park,” said Principal HOA Spokesperson Janelle Ayers. “It just has that new neighborhood smell that everyone likes. Plus, East 29th Ave., Westerly Creek, and South End are just kind of shitholes.”

Although residents notice some of their neighbors have been moving north, they take exception to the Principle HOA calling their neighborhoods “shitholes.” “Did they actually refer to our neighborhood as a ‘shithole?’ questioned East 29th Avenue resident Dana Montgomery. “I mean, without us, there would be no Stapleton. We started this thing and we still love our neighbors and this borough. It’s hardly a shithole.” Westerly Creek resident Jim Shaffer was also taken aback by the comments made by the Principle HOA. “That’s a terribly irresponsible statement,” said Shaffer. “I mean, these are current residents who pay their HOA fees and help make Stapleton a great neighborhood. Almost not believable that a person of authority could call a region a shithole. Hopefully, no one else is okay with this.” Ayers has since backed off her original comments saying it’s just something they say and “really don’t mean anything by it.” “We did not mean to offend anyone,” said Ayers. “But the reality is, I bet when people go to local bars and talk to each other about Stapleton, they probably do call these older boroughs shitholes. So, they know what we’re talking about.”

Correction: An earlier version of this story had Ayers calling the neighborhoods “shithouses.” The term she used was “shithole” and the appropriate edits have been made. We apologize for the error.

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‘Hamilton’ Coming to The Cube

hamilton coming to cubeThe hit Broadway play ‘Hamilton’ is coming to the Buell theatre in March, but for most Denver area residents, there is really no chance of getting in to the quickly sold out show. People waited online for hours only to find out they were behind tens of thousands of people or heard the news by 3PM that tickets were sold out. “It was tough to hear as I had promised my wife we would get tickets,” said Stapleton resident Eric Heald. “I had two computers going and was trying to call in, but just no luck.” Area residents who were lucky enough to get tickets made sure to throw it in the faces of everyone else by posting their fortune on social media. “When I had my tickets confirmed, I immediately took a screen shot and posted it on Facebook so everyone would know that I was lucky and they weren’t,” said Stapleton resident Tiffany Bukatz. “It was such a great feeling.” In fact, so many people were ecstatic about getting their tickets you questioned what was better, Hamilton or the tickets themselves.
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Container Holding Hats and Gloves Getting Fucking Ridiculous

messy hats and glovesCold weather and snow has sporadically hit Denver, and that means it’s time to get out the gloves, hats, and boots. The Klingman family keeps all of these items in one big messy container. And the container is not just for the new items. The Klikngmans keep old gloves and boots that no longer fit the kids, or gloves they no longer use. Mom Dawn fully intends to sell the items on Swap as soon as she gets around to it. “We’ve just been so busy these last…well, several years,” said Dawn. “But, I will do it. I promise.” Some of the gloves no longer have pairs, or are so beat up no one would ever wear them, but have stayed in the container, nonetheless. There are even a couple hats and gloves that neighbor kids left years ago, but Dawn fully intends to someday return them. “I meant to text them that next day, but I just kept forgetting,” said Dawn. “I feel kind of bad now, but better late than never.”
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Stapleton Man Achieves Near Enlightenment After Box Cutter Purchase

box cutterBobby Travillian never thought a late night trip to Walmart could change his life, but after our interview with the local Stapleton family man, it’s clear he has all but achieved a state of near enlightenment.

“I was just there for milk and eggs and figured I’d swing through the tool aisle on my way out” Travillian, 39, said of the night in question.  He continued, “I had no intention of buying anything, just doing my usual fantasizing about various unfinished projects – then I spotted the box cutter.  Figured I’d give it a shot.”
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Stapleton Couple Thrilled to Finally Get Invite to Hang Out With Popular Group

popular groupSwigert parents Jim and Kelly Roberts have been waiting for years to be invited in to one of the popular Swigert groups. “We would see all the popular cliques hanging around talking at drop off and pick up and would wonder what it would take for us to get included,” said Kelly. “The girls were all so pretty and in shape, and just, you know, cool.” On several occasions Kelly said she had tried to interact with those in the group. “I would hear one of them say something that I could relate to and just try to throw myself in to the conversation,” said Kelly. “But, I was usually blown off pretty quickly, and would feel pretty dejected about the whole thing.” Although Kelly said she hoped she could one day be invited in to the cool group, she wasn’t holding her breath. “I felt like we must have missed our chance,” said Kelly. “At this point, I figured we were considered ‘not cool enough’ and we would just have to find other people outside of those circles to hang out with. But man, we really wanted to be with those in crowds.”
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New Stay at Home Parent: “Six Hours Not as Long as I Thought it Was”

stay at home momNicole Weigel stopped working full time about a month ago and has really enjoyed her newfound flexibility and time with her kids. “It’s been great not having to rush out the door every morning,” said Weigel. “I get to make the kids lunches, take them to school, watch their activities, and keep up with what is actually going on with the school. It has been great.” One thing Nicole has noticed is that the school day seems to go by much faster than she had thought. “I used to wonder what stay at home moms whose kids went to school full time did all day,” said Weigel. “I figured, what a life of leisure. Probably coffee with friends, maybe some shopping, some early happy hours. That stay at home thing has to be the easiest gig. What I found out was that those six hours or so go by pretty damn quick.” Weigel says by the time the kids are settled at school and she drives to the gym, it is already 9:15. “I work out after dropping the kids off, come home, take a shower, and now it almost lunch time,” said Weigel. While eating lunch, I’ll pick things up around the house or do laundry, maybe answer a few texts or emails, and now it’s suddenly 1:30. A lot of days I need to go to the store or run some other errands, and before you know it, it’s three o’clock. I need to get things ready for the kids after-school activities, snacks, water, attire, etc. Then, back in the car to pick them up. Whole day is gone.”
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“No Eating on Couch” Rule Lasts Almost Six Days

kids eating on couchThe Noelting family finally upgraded their couch last week after years of complaining about how filthy the old couch had gotten. “It was really disgusting,” said mother Angi. “I didn’t even want to have guests over. The worst part is, I would clean that thing all the time. But, by the next week, there are crackers, cookie crumbs, wrappers, and all sorts of things in that couch. There were spots I couldn’t get out, some from wine, and all sorts of other liquid spilled there. I couldn’t stand looking at it anymore.” Angi purchased a new couch and put the old one on the side of the street of her Eastbridge home. “It was picked up in last than an hour, which was great,” said Angi. “The new couch wasn’t perfect, but it was much better than that dumpster we had been sitting on. We decided to make some rules with the new couch.”
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